Uhhhh it's really been like forever since I last update. I've always told myself that everytime I am in a plane or somewhere travelling long hours, I'd atleast update something. Well out of the 100 hours of flying across the fucking world, like litereally flying through the Atlantic/Europe/Arab route to home and through the pacific, I literally have never had that one desire to write something for this forgotten blog. Like who the heck even reads this to be honest?
Regardless, currently I am actually writing in the train, Amtrak, from NY to Boston, after submitting my passport for Canada visitor visa (which I am stressing the fuck off right now, fearing it will get lost in transit because they dumbfuck don't allow on-site pickup, which is LITERALLY THE SAFEST OPTION). Either case, the train is bumpy interestingly and full due to the plane outage from the Windows 11 bullshit crashing worldwide.
Eithercase, that's not what I want to write here. Something have been haunting my subconsciousness for the past years. The very entity that I been haunted by occasionally is you, Nat. Not like it is everyday nor everyweek, but suffice to say enough times that it sometime makes me wonder if I ever give a fuck about you. Well clearly something about me is still very much still... curious about you, to the point I have hyper vivid dreams about you, and only you, out of other classmates back in lodge. Ok sometimes is still Nia, but very rarely and also not as vivid nor impactful as what I have for you.
Well these dreams are not... in anyways negative. Is really about me dreaming to know more about you. Is really like me and you sit at a bar and discuss life kind of a vibe. I ask myself why actually. Being the one of the naturally smartest kid in the class, what is it that goes through your mind during those times I ask. Why did you study hard? What makes you? What stopped you being like other girls?
*as i am typing the train is passing through a field that does seem to have a potential for motivational speech/quote, but unfortunately I know those field are just field grass and don't mean a shit other than it is a field of grass. maybe because the sun has set and it just looks dull idk. also why the fak is the train moving so damn fast in turns?*
I often question myself. Why did I never honestly just ask any of these to you myself? I mean the answer is probably I was shy back then and I tried to be someone I am not for the longest time. By being myself now, I've reached goals that some people won't even be able to do. Like first author publications in a good tier journal before PhD? Either case, I've noticed that if I were myself then, would I've been able to learn more from you then? You are just this enigmatic person, whom sometimes is by my side at random times of my life. For many others, I have kind of understood their nature, not their life and everything mind you. I mean it is easy to do once you deal with alot of people and seeked their stories/wisdom. Moreover after seeking my path from the basics of philosophical techniques, even you can kind of figure the general reason why certain people are like what they are. Like understand how people like Karen/Amy/Nia/etc. did what they did seem to be straightforward after a couple of months of self question, but you? Years it has been and I am still stuck in this void of a character you left me with. Did I not read enough books? Did not think hard enough? Or...did I just never get to see your true self?..Or better yet.. never know when you are actually on your true self or faking it. Well how would I know though?
I remember some events in high school that happened to you that still sticks to me for questioning. For when you cry that time and leaving us guessing because you were also laughing, what was on your mind? When you got scolded in the library by Mdm Chew because you were playing with Sab, what ran across your mind? When you were the prefect president, what was in your mind? When you decide to read what I wrote for other people's magazine, why? When you heard that I decided to join your group for music project to dance, what came in your mind? What came in your mind when I was desperately sending you signs that I liked you? What did you think of me as even? What kind of creature did you see in me?
To fake it till you make it is a very strong mentality to survive in this harsh world. It took me years to really understood its value. The value of overselling and trying to make fake impressions to your surroundings. To create the scenario you wish. So tell me... did you already know that by then? Well of course I wouldn't know, and probably every will unless I go down to koala land myself. Being a researched myself is definitely one of the major fuels my curiosity and always question things that I couldn't answer. I know I am jumping here and there, but importantly, did you know how to live in this harsh world from the get go?
How about now? How did you get to where you are now? Is this the product of you being yourself the entire time? Are you... happy? How successful are you marking yourself now? How is, the person I admire when I was young faring in this adult world? What wisdom do you have that you can share?
From here on are what I am writing in the assumption that you indeed have gone through your path and gets to where you wished.
Being an engineer, clearly not something I expected but regardless very cool, and I assume it is your dream job, or atleast anything close to that (I am well aware that dream job is hard af). All your instagram post shows your smile, which ofcourse, seems real. or is it? Seeing you landing a good job and being able to enjoy life is really what I wished to achieve in life as well. You still are, what drives the motivation in me. Have I gone through free diving? Going scuba and stuffs? Well I don't... but cause I haven't feel like I am there yet. I am still in the phase of "working my ass off" but one day, I want to enjoy my life like you are doing now.
Since young, I always envision you being the role model, and it has been since. I just hope that stupid factors like government paperwork lost or some fake accusation happened in life that ruins me completely. But then again, even if shits don't go well I assume there's always other ways.... copium.
So to you in how many ever years if you ever stumble to this blog and ever read what I posted. Have I already reached out to you regarding life then? Have I already approached you to ask the following mysteries that I have bottled up in me? Have I sat in a bar with you discussing life? Have I already made peace with this question? Have I actually enjoying life like you are? Am I there to enjoy life with my role model (like just adventuring outdoors lol)?
But then again. Are you as what you are posted in social media?
To you, whom my subconcious desires
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