Allegreto Allegro

 Maturity is something almost all of us Asian kids are hammered with when we grow up. But there's always a thing that I always question since long ago: what is maturity?

That began when people I was compared to in the family for being mature began to show attitudes that I would see as "off." There's a cousin I have that always win awards, acts very adult and etc and needless to say he was my parent's perfect kid. I was told a few times that I used to admire the trophies that he brought home, but I myself never aim, neither cared for, getting one for myself. He was the perfect kid until there was a moment where he let go of his chance to be Australian to go to Singapore for the girl he was in love with , but eventually broke up. That went against one of what my mom told me as "what it meant to be mature" which is to care for future and not some puppy love. And slowly I began to open my eyes, the people she used to compared me with began, one by one, showing their "immature" side and when I asked I should be like that just because they were my examples of what "mature" supposed to be, I was told, obviously, not to follow. 

I also began understanding more of the other cousins in the capital when I escorted my grandma there to live with them. The image of "mature" people keep tumbling down ever the day passes. Especially the aunt/uncles I met there, I learned their methodology of life is simply... to survive rather than enjoying life. Is that what it meant to be mature? They screamed at their kids and even calling them dogs at times (yea here's a diversion story: so she was bought a dog from her friends, which she couldn't have because her parents (my aunt) didn't allow it. I was funny because you should never give your friend a pet, if their family doesn't allow it lmao, pets are family thing, not a personal thing in the end of the day. So she didn't talk to her mom as much due to how she overreacts all the time, and this case was quite bad because she was supposed to get something done for school. But she clearly didn't say anything till the last minute, which leads her to just spend her time with her dog for some reason. Needless to she my aunt was mad and she screamed at her and called her "just become a dog instead if you want to spend your time with your dog.") And she was also the same cousin that my mom said infront of myself that I was immature and delayed my semester to start college just for my wife, Mrs. Udang di Balik Batu (that part of the story was stated in a post in 2nd Season blog). I was at that time, already had doubts on what it meant to be mature in Asian culture, hence I began to make my own choices without outside interference.

There are much more to that ofcourse. Being mature apparently is to be able to apply for colleges by myself apparently, which I did and wasn't getting much praised for. Being mature is also being able to clean up after oneself and being able to be independent. Which, though the cleanliness is always an issue for me, atleast my home isn't the Atlantic garbage patch and able to live away from those I love without much issues. Being mature is to be able to get good scores and be able to talk about the world and have big general knowledge, which I know I was lacking before, but now I have it most than many. Being mature, is to not watch animations/cartoons but watch news, which probably all of you probably have heard once in your life. Last but not least, being mature was apparently to be able to speak "smartly" and be "arrogant" at a young age.

Let's talk about the latter most subject. I always told, or even notice it myself, that girls mature faster than most boys. Of course there are mature boys too, but really less common. Here then I looked back into my childhood times and compared myself to the people that were deemed "mature" in asian culture. I learned that they indeed are acting like an adult, but with once catch, they seem to stop learning to be better at younger age too. I was conisdered the one of the kids that matured late. And in the definition, being arrongant was stated, but in a way that we stand up for our own views/believes in a young age. Which is good to have, but also a double edge sword, since I notice they tend to grow into an ignorant person who thinks they are right and rarely reflects upon themselves and learn to be better. They seem to take what they know at young age, persumably because others kept telling them they are mature or something, which made them think they are right from the young age. Let's face it, we all are dumb as fuck when we are young. Sure you can give me an exception for some people, but in general most of us are not set on the right path since we are a kid. I was lucky to grow with people deemed immature and learned one aspect of life that I always enjoy: freedom with discipline. I know my value, I am willing to learn to be better and I know that there are things outside of being "mature." This is what I noticed long ago too, that the "immature" people tend to question things and the "mature" ones tend to take things as they are. This is of course different in Western world, which I notice, but can't say for sure if my current deduction is right.

The one of the kids I know to be "mature" in standard of Asian culture is doing PhD as I am now, worst yet, I already published more than her in a better journals too. And there's another that would also be seen as my level of immature, but he's a vet now. So there's this clear illusion of maturity in our culture. It is 1) the act of taking the positives of one person and ignore their negative sides and 2) the illusion of one perfect person. I know we should always take the positives of someone but, in the end they should just be an example of a person living their life, not an example to become. Only until recently my parents deemed me mature, but clearly I wasn't like the ones they used to compare me to. Some of them have gone to live not as successful as mine or more successful because of their parents' connection. I forged my own path, strayed away from the illusion of maturity at early age and needless to say I am thankful that I was mature myself to know how to pick choices based on logical observation, rather than following a dead end stereotype life.

So what it meant to be mature on my side, is to know the choices that I picked are based on rational/logical/ choices that are REALLY logically thought of, and not emotionally driven. This was something that I knew I had to try back then, it may had not worked, but somewhere in life I have to risk and follow my believe system. Ofcourse to make decision that are not driven by emotion is something that I had to learn in pain from trying to get that girl from the first blog. Remembering it makes me cringe to how I became someone I am not in order to impress others. That experience indeed helped out after reflecting upon it. I guess I have to say thank you Nia for making me a better person (also thank you for saying "You'll get a better girl than I am" cause I definitely did). Since then, what I invested in had always been so far either modestly good or excellent to get to where I am here. I had ofcourse suffer the pain of being looked down by my family members, but now they know that since a long time ago, I already had it in me: to be mature in my own way. It doesn't matter that I have a few flaws, as long as I they don't risk my future, harm/hurt others, disappoint others and my life then it is ok since I can't, and no one can, be perfect.

Be better, but don't be butter, that's all I am saying.

ABRSM 2011: Allegreto

Well now I am just waiting for time to pass so I can go to Gyu kaku with senpai before he leaves to Japan.

It is always well sit in my life that whenever I do something out of the ordinary in my daily life, chaos ensures and usually is not the positive,and neither negative type. Am here I am just writing to remember my Summer of 2022.

It was the year that determines my fate in the US. That's right the Visa renewal bullshit where you have to leave the country and risk not coming back here~ The application itself was already stressful for me, being perfectionist and try to make sure all is right in the application, with any minor issues would alarm me; and needless to say most of them was just being dumb ass paranoid and definitely wouldn't contribute to pain.

First of, I had to change program when I applied for visa. Wow, what are the odds I changed during the most important part of the application. What happens if I change and then the interviewer be asking why and shit.Why change my program, am I incapable, yadi yadi yadah that is dumb. It was surprising that I was able to get the program people to expedite my request, which happens a week right before I had to submit the application. And the week before I left, I got my first time car accident in Boston. What's more? One of our lab mate was denied visa from peru because he couldn't hear the interviewer due to his hearing problem, and the interviewer rejected him by thinking his english sucks. Bruh he even got to like top US school? Like why interviewers are so retarded? Very nice to think about these, considering I was already in a negative state of mind. I mean imagine: what if I can't come back? Where do I even go? I don't like working in Asia, and other countries may see my US visa rejection as a deterrent for future visa opportunities. Like the country made things so dumb that my fate could be sealed easily.

Then on the interview itself, dear me, a very new person. That guy doesn't even know that permit for stay and visa for entry is 2 separate things and thought I was deported for extended stay. I was bombarded with "did the police catch you?" shit, like can't you just ask me if I got deported instead? Like just jump to the conclusion and not beating around the bush question. Luckily I mentioned that I have always worked with my DSO to keep my legal stay and he decided to check with his advisor and was able to confirm I was not in the wrong doing. Man that guy gave me the creep for the rest of the week.

I was then having to make decisions on to stay or to choose to fly to Malaysia to see Johan. I had such a chaotic week considering it was my holiday. It was painful because I finally learned the importance of family, but also forced to pick a side in the end. Even the trip in Malaysia wasn't as great as I felt like I was doing chore to make people happy than actually enjoying myself. Like I do work in the house, having to keep wifey happy, like I felt I wasn't good enough. Sure sure I was treated like a family, but No, that's not what I wanted. I wanted to have a blissful break, not having me there like I have always been there. Like care for cat? Why? Clean house? Well sure since I am guest I should clean up after myself, but not I clean the whole house for cry out loud. I felt like it wasn't rewarding, considering that I paid alot for the travels myself, and having to risk my future to see Johan, I genuinely did not feel like it was paid of. Which made me having to admit something here: I was nervous about having to visit Johan at 2022 December. Do I have to go home to serve other people? I am going back to do "chores" in a way that I am just making things up because I did not visit since forever? I am paying a communal service here? And all honestly I was glad that I am not going back this December as I truly do not know if I would enjoy the trip or not.  Do I miss her? Yes, but I do not want to waste my time to serve others nor am I there to work to make people happy. I didn't mean to go all selfish mode to be a prince, but can't a man get an actual rest from all these shits he had to undergo to go back and visit? 

Yea IDK. Here I am blissfully enjoying the moment by myself and my gaming people. Perhaps I just like this zen of just not having to think alot... while knowing things can't go like this forever as I have to shape my destiny to be a citizen here.

At this point I am just ranting than anything.

ABRSM 2011: Allegreto

I genuinely forgot to post this.

 I worked with Dr. Ruohola-Baker for 3 years (1st year as an undergraduate, and 2 years as a post-bachelor employee), and she was the mentor that sharpened me into a scientist. She has a very strong will and motivation to do good science, and to my understanding, she obtained this by persevering through tough times as a female scientist during the 80s-90s. 

The thing is, I did not learn to be a scientist from her via a smooth road, it was rather by a very strict way. Although unintentional, most of us from the lab, including me, learned to be a better scientist from her via the fear factor. For instance if we did not do experiments well, we would be questioned very seriously of our method, and if we did not present well in the meeting, we would be placed onto spotlight. To top that, her standard is very high in regards to presenting and thinking scientifically. I have to say, not many students were able to stay with her for too long, however, I did persevered through it and became one of the lab's core member. To be who I am today, I had to change from a very quiet person into a more of an active person (in a way that I would speak up to what I have questions/concerns of or immediately reach out to anyone whenever I have problem), which is a core necessity to be a good scientist. And via the rough way of how she taught me to do good science (building hypothesis, designing an experiment and writing a scientific literature), I was sharpened very much that I was ready to be a graduate student. And the fact that the things that I have been doing today are going very smooth is all thanks to her mentoring skills.

As much as I liked who I became now, I did not like what I went through and I understood that her methodology of teaching/mentoring would not apply well to most of the current generations (or any). I learned, however, to teach others in a better way. Dr. Ruohola-Baker gave me the opportunities to work with many undergraduates, and that gave me the experience of how to properly mentor a student. I learned that students can be made into a great scientist without having to experience any fear-factor by passionately and patiently guiding the students slowly throughout their development. With a balance of seriousness, introducing humor during research is vitally necessary to make the lab environment less stressful and would make them more engaged in the project. Overall, a happy setting would generate a productive environment. 

I genuinely forgot to post this. 

Lasting Memories

Hold it hold it, before you scroll further up or down, do you recognize some of these things here: 

There seem to be a trend in me that I tend to dream about the people from high school. A beautiful memory where all I did was to fool around and enjoy life before we all move on. I am lucky that I am able to get to where I am now without having to sacrifice much of my high school life to be the slave of marking scheme. Well I did at the end, but not for the majority of my school life. Some days I dream about some people I don't mingle as much with, some days, or most days, I dream about him. The very one guy name Sheldon. 

We met when I first came to Kuching. At first I had to survive and be an ass by following the trend of bully. Yes, I was a dipshit when I was at that age. Just a kid that causes chaos that I was not proud of. He had to be the target for the first few months. But as I notice him more, the more peculiar that guy became. He wandered alone, and does things that the normal kids don't. That definition of chaos in him was what switched my side into his. I embrace neutral chaos and his is truly at the level of my interest. I quit doing shits to tease him after the negative influencers decided to let me be. I like that he was able to keep up with his smile and jokes and chaos even under high pressure of bully. I can't stop it because I was mostly neutral in the classroom and not really supporting anyone in particular. 

During elementary school, I don't really consider us being close, yet I felt the opposite too. We tend to look play together and joke around and that was it, I wasn't able to digest that he was a friend, but deep inside he was already part of me. As ended our elementary school, I remember that one moment, where he hugged me infront of his parents and our classroom. It was the very moment I understood he felt something that's more than I ever realized on me. 

Came the high school moment. We were in the same class, which was epic and all. Although I ended up being with more of the cool kids side, I was also at the same time on his side of the group. That was the moment, where the romance me got the better of me. The most childish thing ever: focusing on romance and throwing away bros. I failed miserably on both sides, as I could have spent more time with him, at the same time being myself and not trying to be someone else while being with the cool kids group. It was disgusting but definitely not the end of my idiocy. Throughout however, I never completely abandon him. Though, I would probably could have spent more time with him, had it not my stupidity taken over. Honestly, till the end of high school, all was well, and I could have end things there and everything would not have been as bad as today.

Now came the A-level period, where all shit goes down. The early period was about the 3rd girl I referred to in the last last blog. I was depressed and shit from romance that I isolated myself. He lost his dad a year before this, but I believe it was also the issue that I wasn't able to address properly. He felt kicked out and that's when he distanced himself from me. I felt alienated and I had to use the rough words to actually fixed the situation then. Looking back at the message, I definitely was an asshole. Then came the second romance with the girl I am with now. This was also the time... where I lost myself to be someone that is unappreciative and retarded in general. I kept him away from my circle because of how I felt annoyed by him becoming more clingy onto me. I hated anyone being clingy on me, even my girlfriend. I always felt he kept invading my bubble and made me uncomfortable. In addition to the pain I got from the 3rd girl, he also became very touchy on me, which made me extra discomfort. though I agree I let him touch me in the most retarded way possible before, but due to the situation, I wasn't able to. At times when he came to me, giving hospitality, that I believe was the moment he lost his chaos that I embraced. He became more dependent on me and that was something that deterred me. I wonder if it is all Kenny's fault that made him like that but all in all, he grew his dependence with me until to the point I felt uncomfortable.  

I knew that all along, he wanted me to be closer to me, it was the methodology he utilized that made me feel... not enjoy. I loved his past self of being independent and laugh at shits that I find extremely chaotic for the majority of the society, but it seemed that was not a thing anymore at that time. 

All these years, the dream I have is always about him when it comes to childhood memories. He gave me the experiences that I wished I could feel again. I don't believe in the "it's too late" mentality, but rather, "when's the right time?" is more appropriate to ask for apologies. Though even if I could, would he even take my hand? He wrote to me in his "divorce letter" that he want me to forget him, but at the same time, looking at the sky to remember him at times. Well, sadly he can't be forgotten, neither can I move on completely without apologizing for my retardedness. 

Even if I do, how? Has he moved house? His social medias are mostly deleted, so how to contact him? Has he moved on hating me and trying not to associate with me anymore? I have always known his past self that he would probably forgive and forget, but with his newer attitude... That I don't know. It's been years since that too, so is like the one I met, or the one I left? I do think that apologizes are in order, and again I don't know how and when. 

If there was a regret in my high school, is not to spend more time with him. Though life is still long (hopefully) perhaps I can make that happen again sometime in future... experiencing the retarded life we had back in high school and forget everything else that's happening on earth. 

I could still remember the stupid things you said and did that brighten my school life. If you are reading this. I hope at least you know that I'd like to amend for everything. It's been years since, and I have learned all my mistakes, and for any mistakes to come: we'll face it together pragmatically because I know, regardless of who you are now, being logical is still part of you.  

Lasting Memories

Sundome

 I'm kindda always try to tell myself to write up something so the future retired senile old me will have something to get entertained by his younger, larger peepee sizer, self. 

I don't know if this is entertaining or what but I do have some few words to write on. Ever since in elementary school, I never once earn a trophy or award like other siblings or cousins and dogs do. I never saw myself as one with potential due to my self-esteem being crushed into the pieces every time my mom says something. Not that I resend her in anyways, though I see it as the price to pay to get to where I am now. Back to the topic, I just never once felt like one of the progressing kids. I never got awarded and appreciated, even when I got straight As in my IGCSE exam (compared to my diversity of grades I got before the said exam of A-E). Is funny that the education system always praises the top students but the lower ones are nearly non-existent. Though "progressive" awards were given, but it only is given to the top 3 who have progressed. Doesn't matter if you progressed a lot slowly, all it matters is if you are able to progress more in a given short period of time and progress better than others. Doesn't matter either if you slowly becoming a successful person by the end of the school's program because you no longer a student of the school. Even though I myself notice my progress, it was not good enough to be seen by the community.

Next, it comes to the most painful memory, the cum laude that I lost. I won't go too in depth but it is due to the fact that a omega-prime-sigma grandma who actually have a nice house by the lake that degrades my semester by having to only drop the bomb when it is TOO LATE and not having to talk to me about it on any prior occasion. In summary, I follow my mentor (like I FOLLOW FOLLOW because I had no idea what it is meant to be an undergraduate researcher), and it happens that she doesn't like what I became and decide to kick me of the workplace due to the fact that I followed a mentor that she doesn't seem to enjoy working with either (I actually don't know about the last part as much, but I do assume she wants a new change after his graduation). To me, back then the small research was my everything. I was naive and dumb and shit that I thought I was at the end of the line, without knowing there's better places and researches out there for me and I wasn't running out of time or anything. But regardless, she had to tell me that right before my final exam week, which crippled me and shit. That was the worst semester I have performed and lowered my grade away from cum laude. Had it not for her I'd win mine. To me that was a huge thing to obtain, since my most esteemed cousin had it and was given the recognition throughout the family. Not that I want to shove things up their faces with mine, but I just want to show that I am not always that dumbass they know since along time ago. I was so close to obtaining the award, yet it pains me that I lost it due to some dumbass mentoring.. I never yearn to show off my greatness, I just want to show my extended family that even I, the kid who  was ridiculed in the family, can still achieve greatness. Without it, I felt a little empty. Passing my bachelors meant nothing to me as that's what everyone else could do too. The feeling of nearly getting that recognition is just unbearable to me at times. 

Then the next is the school application, where I got waitlisted for Harvard. This one least pain me, but still, although I feel good that I still got waitlisted into Harvard, it still pains me that I didn't get in there. Though being in Boston University still makes me feel happy.

Lastly was the recent shenanigan. I got into the university, and with the greatest luck (or so I thought), I got into one of the best lab or richest lab in the campus. And the project was the greatest too, it being the generation of a new method to sequence protein in intact cells. This, is the next thing to mass-spec. Being in a project of this high level caliber (and even nobel-price worthy by many people who knew about this project), I gave all I got to impress them during my trial moment so that they will welcome me to the group. There I was able to win everyone's heart and actually made myself being their top candidate. While the trial period was over and I had to try other labs (is just part of the program called rotations), I dreamt this being the thing: The thing that will make me one of the greatest out there. The thing or factor that will help to inform the future high/middle schoolers that you don't need to be highly recognized all the time i.e. winning awards to actually be successful and have a good future, and best of all, contributing to the better of humanity in a huge way. With that all said, of course, the bad news has to come. 1 week before I was able to finally start my grand research, I was given the news that the professor had decided to move to other institute in Oregon (a place that happens to be the one that I wouldn't want to spend my PhD life in, story will be another day or lifetime)... Essentially,  after all that dreaming of being above, it was taken away by a highly NOT-EXPECTED FACTOR, even the people who had been working there for years never knew this was coming, hence to emphasize the sudden news of my professor's moving out of state. It was the most destructive news of the year. Yet again my ambition was robbed away from me. Is it wrong for me to be up there, and later lectures the future generation that not being in the top 5 of the class doesn't affect your future to be a great person? I guess it may very well be. I am destined for a low profile life. Perhaps of course it may be not. But it is the fact that I am always close to get that Achievement is the one that pisses me off all the time. So close yet in the end it is taken away by known or entirely RANDOM factor.

Of course I am not in the end of the line here. Though I may be broken, I have not given up things yet. Though I am going to commit myself into a smaller of caliber project, I will still spice it up and try my best to achieve the greatest. One word in the meeting with the previously said professor, he told me that "the limit of my ambition/project is not the wall of the lab." A very simple statement, yet easily tells me that regardless I am moving to work with a different supervisor with a different project of caliber, I can always make it better or higher caliber if I want to. Of course I will take that statement. I'll do my best to make my project to be extra greatest by even maybe collaborate with people in MIT or Harvard because that's what my current supervisor seem to be able to do as well. But of course with the given theme of my life so far, sundome, I do have to always expect the worst all the time and be prepared for it. Maybe or maybe not I will achieve the greatest and later reach back to the future generations that placement of yourself in elementary/high school doesn't matter, as what's matter, and it really is, is what you do later in life. I honestly just want to motivate kids who used to be like me, down and low, with stupid awards and class placement being the thing that I know being "great." Of course you, who gained alot of god-tier grades would say the same thing, but you don't know what it meant to be in the lower side of the class. Is just like capitalism, you top people can always try to help, but eventually if you have to give away yourself for the better of others, you won't; maybe some small relief help, but you'll still hoard alot of that cash up your bank for luxurious life. Or maybe you will. Though you can go give talks to other smarter kids to encourage them to be more ambitious and what-not, I have, more like is the only thing I can do, is to encourage the "less brighter" kids out there. I can do that because I was not the greatest in class, like I scored 6/40 for one of the maths class quiz? If you give speech to these kids, it would just be the same as what I got when I was younger too, listening to top tier student making their, to me, a senseless speech that would only target the smarter ends of the student and not the less brighter ones. I want to be the one that targets the other end of spectrum kids, but will fate let me do it? Or I am permanently in sundome? 

Sundome

Just general update

 With all the useless post I posted, I forgot to mention that I actually ended up in Boston University where my senpai is. It's kind of neat that I atleast get into a PhD program and not staying in a "particular place" for another year.

So far the school has been nice and I learned that students that goes to Harvard (maybe MIT) have a much stressful life that includes a longer PhD time of about 6-7 years, unlike my school of 5-6 years graduation. Thank god that I didn't end up in a place that would make me not having a life for another 6-7 years. And I must say I got pretty lucky here too.

When I first got here, I wasn't sure when and which professors to contact with in order to get into the lab that I want to spend my 5-6 years in. There's a roomate, who is in a particularly great lab which I was hoping to get in but hadn't had the belief that I could get in (as the lab is one of the top star choices in the department). Being a pushy guy he is, he actually pushed me to email the professor ASAP, even before the school began. At first I was nervous and wasn't sure if I could even get any reponses, but guess what, I was accepted for the fact that I had a prior experience with a superresolution microscopy. What's more is the fact that I was also in his class for that semester, which is truly a coincidence. In the class I was able to show him my enthusiasm and my ability to ask questions regardless it is dumb question or not. And when I was in the lab, I did what I knew I must do to succeed in a lab. For 2.5 months I worked, I was able to make him proud of my initiative and enthusiasm in doing research in his lab. I did things my way and things worked out very well. It was though, tough as fuck because my mentors were undergraduate students who actually take their experience in the lab as a "job" and I am not sure how much enthusiasm they actually have in the project. I had to hear them complain, deal with their emotions and etc. which I find rather annoying to deal. If I get a undergrad, I know who to choose hehehehe. 

But after thinking about it, how did I manage to succeed based on "my way"? How did I get this knowledge? The answer is obvious... is the lab where I used to work in. Every time I get scolded, get lectured, get flamed, and etc, I thought of ways in order to avoid the same thing from happening again. And I must say, the pain I endured for 3 years came to fruition. Though I must say, after the experience here, my old boss is quite on the negative side. If you don't ask question then she might say "oh so you know more than me? Even I have questions." If you know something is not too correct but not asking the person or telling them what you think, she would also be very mad. All these, made me into a proper researcher who knows how to ask question and speak up when something is not working well. Especially the latter part that I think helped me alot during the rotation in this new lab. Also I guess the fact that his research is definitely one of the next best thing, I am also highly motivated to work in his lab. 

But even though I worked my bones off, even when I was unpaid back then, I still get contacted by the old boss just because there's a publication that my name is on. I find it rather weird. Why am I still asked to do more? Have I not done the things you asked me to do before? I didn't have weekends, holidays, heck I came during snow storm too! I remember when this first happened, like I was so scared, like driven by fear I still abide to her words even though I am across the country.  Like I was also wondered, why am I still scared of her? Then do I realize that I am traumatized rather than scared. I thought I would ever got into trauma but I see that I suffered a small/minor level of trauma from her. When she speaks and calls my name, I froze and I was in fear and my mind goes scrabbled and the only thing my brain tries to tell me to do is just to say "yes," as if I am begging for my life. Comparing this to my new boss, he's is much more pragmatic and doesn't use emotion do deal with problems, which made me more relax and easier to approach him. Unlike before, I don't have to pray to all the Gods before meeting with my current professor. I know the things to do before even the meeting, which made me very ready to meet my professor whenever meeting calls. Though it is thanks to my old boss that I am very ready for PhD, I am still not happy that I get to be this in a negative way possible. I am amazed to how far I have come and those memories in Seattle... not too pleasant, but it seriously went in a blink of an eye..

Regarding my old boss, at least now I have learned better to say no to my old boss than before. And I must admit that even this minor trauma can be very devastating, and that's of course leads to how others with bigger trauma could get by in their life. They (perhaps you) are very strong and I commend you for that. 

With that said, apparently the other person I used to work with, Julien, finally found another job. This time he really said he's going into another job, and also actually going for it, unlike the other times he told me. Of course now the problem is the first author of this paper is gone, what's next? I hope I don't get contacted anymore to be honest. But I do wish him luck in his future endeavor. 

Now, regarding my free time. I decided to run my own group in the dungeon life I mentioned in earlier posts. The new boss has arrived and the group (not team) has segregated into the ones that are geared and not geared, the geared went together to fight off the new boss, whereas the non-geared are left. This is just the downside of not being in a proper team. I could join them, but there are people who I like to play with that are not geared at all and probably won't fit into the stronger team. with the addition that there are potential people with classes that would function in a group, I decided to form my group. My team, which is made a secret, is now 2 months old and have ~13 active people. We began from doing alot of DF on the early days, and now we are nearly full Nereid and soon to Agareth. I used my knowledge from my past groups to generate a hopefully long lasting group. I haven't seen any trouble yet, and I do hope I won't land to one anytime soon. Hope we can conquer whatever tough bosses that are coming without drama. But kind of weird to think about it. I never wanted to be a leader of this group, but now I am. And from these 2 months, I actually manage to learn to manage people and stuff. Not like this simulates 100%  real life leadership, but I do say that it is a good practice since I am dealing with gamers, people who are most likely introverted and not wanting to deal with bullshit in life. This all lead to me to be more assertive, which is needed to keep this group alive. 

With that said, Imma make dinner now. Menu will be Butterfish and pork slices and your ass.

Just general update 

25 Years of raid

 One battle that I have been battling, is the demons in me. Just like in a MMO-RPG what they share in common is the bosses have different skills for attacking and we need to have our proper strategy for fighting a given boss. 

Now what is this I am saying? Everyone has their inner demon and that's a given. I don't know and don't bother looking up what people call them commonly, but it is a weakness one has in general. Do you feel like you have been giving, but never then be repaid? That to me is your inner demon working on you. You may be the one that's giving but say to yourself that it is the goodwill of God to do so. But how can you be so sure that it is not the false statement of you demon? How can one be good, but one that is also not drain one self from being to good? I am not considering creating non-profit charity or organization for helping the need falls into this cat4egory by the way; rather I am referring to one that is always giving when they themselves also don't have anything to give to one self, which also to be clear, excludes the love a parent gives. That's one example, and others are as common as prejudice related intentions, including but not limited to racism and sexism.

 One problem with the society since long ago is some people decide to take these weaknesses/demons and try to justify that they are that way and others should accept their "opinion." It gets more ridiculous for those who used this for their free speech movements and cause despair in the general population that it is helping. Fear, is a common drive to this. Fear upon the unknown is natural, however, creating one believe and justifying it as correct is just another act of stupidly, especially not trying to understand science/logic in general. 

Although I can blab on how some people can really be fixated in becoming very naive and not chaging, here, I'll list the battles and perhaps victories I have over the demon I have in me.

One thing clear, I choose to destroy the demon in me than actually justifying their presence in me.

1) Fear 

The demon fear is one that I have in me for some time of my life, which also is the common one in the major popultion. I fear the unknown and had the options to either spread the fear or to keep it in me. I could, fear things because my imagination is acting up, and I can easily tell when it happens; though calming it down is hard. Just like how some religions spread fear from their God, I for one, don't think I should fear my God. Why? Simple, I live a proper and helpful life, I am good. Others? They can worship their deity and have their own god judge them and my God don't probably give a shit about them. Why should I worship a bad idol? Another thing that makes my mind easier to process this ie because I grew up in a multi-cultural places, hence I learn that everyone with different religion can actually be good and not fearing their God, and also not telling me to convert and be worshiping their god. I actually once believed that my God is also to be feared, but upon performing "rituals" that I thought is necessary for me to get out of damnation, I learned those self-hurting rituals did not work and in fact, my life has been so much better without it. Like as if my God is telling me that there's no need for a despair to have a better luck/future. From then on, I truly have removed the fear of deity and future, as now that I look at my surrounding... where people are suffering from their own life, I must say I am grateful for me to be who am I today. 

2) Illusion of Power

Being born a male in a species that's predominantly patriarchy, I began with the most stereotype thinking ever regarding gender inequalities. However throughout my growing, I notice that not all females are weak. There are some strong ones and smarts ones than majority of the males exist in this world. It is more evident of me when I started dating. My exertion of man-power was at its upmost digesting. Why, just because I am an XY chromosome creature, I have to think that I am better? Truly grateful I have such a patient wifey that made me a better person today, and not like most males out there that's always exerting their stereotype power. But how is it they can change though? I am very lucky, but of many others, I don't know how they can change other than someone they love actually nurtures them and they are also willing to learn. 

Racism is a thing that I don't have since the get go since I grew up in a multi cultural place, so it's never in my system to defeat.

3) Revenge

I started as a person who curses and love to be in hate and drama. It was only until recently that I learned, the time I curse a person, I get it back onto me, it's like a reflect. Another is to utilize the idea of getting back for getting something bad on me. To a certain extent, it is still in me, but in general I used to think badly about someone for being not nice to me (including when I also was the one who started it) and I'd imagine ways to spread the hate and bring back to that person. But now? I learned that most of those problems that I hated and wishing for revenge for are nothing but child plays. It's almost so dumb that I'd take revenge for even someone talking shit about me. Like what, those are just words. Not like they should define me or anything. But criticism are different, those I take in with me, however those without credentials who talk as if they are smart, I usually ignore because they are probably suffering from their demons that they probably have been comfortably living with. For me, I defeat this by logic. As simple as, will those words actually affect my future? If no, don't care. If yes, probably care. But how often it is that it doesn't affect my future? I notice is 100% as of now. Ya, no one's word I remember actually would affect my future. I can still express disgust upon a person for their story, but main point I decide not to take shits personally. I filter the goods and the bad, not ignoring all, but process if the statements given to me are actually useful for my growth or not. 

4) Assumption and Fear

The demon of assumption is a scary one these days as it is the reason how pseudoscience people think. This and that correlated, and AHA it is connected. Very common in anti-vaxxers as well as flat earthers, the ones that would use highly assumption ruled works and justify their fact, with out knowing those who actually made those facts are the ones purposefully control the string to rule these people out of their caves. I have long removed this actually, since I went to the world of science and research, where I know, it is not probably controlled by the government for faking or tracking people. Also one thing out of this that I don't udnerstand, is why people are so scared in the first place of having microchips in them? Like what? A FBI gonna watch you all the time? Please Susan, no body gives a  SHIT about your life. Also if you don't do bad deeds then why fear? As if they want to see your ragged body every 30 mins. Don't.... flatter yourself please. 

5) Segregation and fear

I also grew up with the ideology of not accepting diverse sex identity as the hyper conservative place I grew up in doesn't accept them. This is also tanks to my wifey as well as being in the USA, that essentially, everyone's the same. Gay/lesbians/queer/w.e. like they all acts like normal people, so what's there to discriminate? This is of course gets defeated by exposure and logic (they act like other people, hence they are? That's right, normal people). This is actually what I hate from some countries that highly enforces law from before dark age. Like as if their civilization then is good? Some people just want to justify the power from the past in order to maintain power (which also could be driven by fear). At this point I don't know what to say other than wowing on people who are so driven by fear and decides to embrace them. 

Fighting all of these sounds like it is simple... Like yea essentially use logic right? Yea, but it is also given that emotion is stronger than your logic. Your emotion is the first key to unlock logical thinking, but certainly some people who never acknowledge their demons would not even recognize their demons and actually just think that their are correct and logical. 

In summary, I ended up a very... lax person after all these years. Not very ignorant because that is also another type of demon that I have yet to understand in me (Ignorance). Feels good though... living without prejudices and hate and segregation. 

Life... is actually good after 25 Years of raid.