Dear yourself. You have been "warned" today by your professor that you have not been producing good results because you are not confident in yourself. Guess what, you know you sucked. Why? Look at the past few months, have you been active? You worked much less than last quarter, that's why. You need to wake up. Please do.
WAKE UP
Monday, May 21, 2018
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Fake World
Hi to who ever is still wishing to read this damn blog.
Right now I'm bored since I had to leave in 20 damn minute for some meeting. Actually, without having to white font or stuff, I gotta report that I have existed my own demon that made me trying to hate things and fail myself. So, I guess when I mentioned that when she waited for me, it didn't mean anything further. Also, conversation wise, she showed no interest or no wish to look at my horrid face for today.
Now here, I can intepret these observations as "maybe she was....." just to make myself feel better (most likely what would had happened) or I could just say, we are done, fulls to the stop. From all these, I realized that I all need was physical comfort, and that my foul soul would do just about anything to get to that. I'm nothing but a terrible person though. I would amplify any actions of friendliness into affection just to flatter myself and makes me forget about other things. But have I been retarded that this was the thing that led me to my doom the last time. Have I not forgotten about the 1st blog creature? It was exactly the same thing. All the friendly friendly gesture have been made into something "extra-ordinary" in which gave me the reason to dream for another day. Yet I never analyze the fact that I was used like how she would have used others as. Well... except for that one particular moment when she used my shoulder and slept on me. She rejected me once, and yet she does that, making me thought that I have not yet done with my destiny. I would have been so much more happier if I would have known about what happened during those occasion. Why would I actually fall into such a fake emotion like how I am today. Have I not grown enough? Why did I have to get into this stage and play this heart tearing play anyway?
Now here, I can intepret these observations as "maybe she was....." just to make myself feel better (most likely what would had happened) or I could just say, we are done, fulls to the stop. From all these, I realized that I all need was physical comfort, and that my foul soul would do just about anything to get to that. I'm nothing but a terrible person though. I would amplify any actions of friendliness into affection just to flatter myself and makes me forget about other things. But have I been retarded that this was the thing that led me to my doom the last time. Have I not forgotten about the 1st blog creature? It was exactly the same thing. All the friendly friendly gesture have been made into something "extra-ordinary" in which gave me the reason to dream for another day. Yet I never analyze the fact that I was used like how she would have used others as. Well... except for that one particular moment when she used my shoulder and slept on me. She rejected me once, and yet she does that, making me thought that I have not yet done with my destiny. I would have been so much more happier if I would have known about what happened during those occasion. Why would I actually fall into such a fake emotion like how I am today. Have I not grown enough? Why did I have to get into this stage and play this heart tearing play anyway?
Here is why. Dream. Dreams are the one that led me to what I had today and what I had on that particular woman. Dreams are so real that no matter how hard I tried to lucid whatever the "reality" was, I never succeeded. I know all the item placement in the room, and behavior of certain people, yet when I'm at this dream world, I failed to notice the differences and would just play along with the fake world. How disgusting is that? I play along in the world of fake, and bring the emotion away from the dream, making me a person who gained experiences from fake world, as well as the real world. Therefore, what I am today, is most likely <50> fake. I can't determine how fake I am today, therefore it is either more or less than 50. How can I tell? Number 1, I cannot differentiate dreams and reality when I in the world of dreams. So how can I tell if what had shaped me today is mainly on the real world experience or the fake world experience? I have faith that my memories are real, but what had shaped me, might be of my dream. Is this why though? Are the "normal" people in this world able to not bring their emotion along with them after they wake up? For that, mentally retarded people, like me, gained experiences from the fake world?
Have I not ever questioned such possibility. Only when I question myself, would it make sense. Now then, I have to go soon, so therefore I have to end this fucking dilemma. So, goodluck understanding if your life decision had come from the fake world or the real world. \
Fake World
Friday, May 4, 2018
Introduction
Sigh.... Here we go again with the introduction for every blog...1st, I would like to welcome you to the blog that probably I did not give twice shit about the audience. This is more like an open diary where if someone really stalks me enough, they will get the reward of knowing my past.
So what is special here? Here, in this blog, I would enter the determination of my future as I'm going to apply to a grad school. How will my relationship with the girl from 2nd blog go, where I go and.... ya.... Why am I doubting about the girl from 2nd blog? It's more like... I really want her to be happy, and if I were the cause to her sadness, I would think over of doing what her friend called YM did; which is to "split" path for the moment, and if love is still going great by the time I get residency in some other country, we would be together again. But if we were to find our happiness with someone else... that would be the end of our chance of going back, but we will be like blood siblings after that, or even better (at least to what I think and willing to do). What makes me doubt? It is because I'm stressing over the obtaining residency on different country, since I do not want to go back to where I came from (no future there). Even if I were to go back... I doubt the life I have with that girl from 2nd blog would ever be sweet as we imagined. That's why I would consider the other option so the both of us can be happy. It's really sad to think about it. We dreamt and plan about what our house will be, what pets, what car, even name for children for duck sake... We are just so deeply rooted, that I kind of think that I would even think the life with another person will even be nice. Life just.... sucked I guess. But again, I said the same thing when I end friendship with the 1st blog girl. I was all like
"OMG... how is life going to be? All I have in mind was her... all my future image has her in it...all....."
Yeap, that gay. And guess what, just couple months later, I all recovered (before dating the girl from 2nd blog). But still... I would say this one would take years or even... never if we were to still communicate and stuff. But again, if both of us come to this conclusion... I would, deep in my heart, have to still appreciate her for rescuing me from my depressed caused by 1st blog girl. She is just to perfect to be forgotten. At least, if we were to leave each other, we would leave with no regret... hopefully... i hope. And about that lab girl, I think I ruined the bridge to be friendly and instead being a creep now because I forgot what happened. I think I visited the lab hour at hours that she would never expected anyone.
Been feeling empty these days... due to bad scores from classes.... need to study for freaking GRE for grad school entrance, since my 4 year degree is NOT enough...need to have another recommendation letters.... need to write a fucking personal statement, as if my choice is not enough. I just need some physical interactions right now. I need a hug... but as you know my girl won't be here till I don't know when. The lab girl: And since she sees me more than any other times this week, as well as me trying to offer her company since she said she was going to be out late (this one Im just neutral though, I was just being nice that day. I HONESTLY just wanna go home after looking at my lousy protein experiment. luckily she said she was fine.). All in all, its a good news that I finally get rid myself of a factor that would potentially make me show any affection that is none other Joan. So I win this game.
Let's look at the nicer things that happens this week... wait.. nothing. I got one of the highest for my developmental class though. Other than that, I'm just sad. Oh ya, tomorrow class at 12:30 PM. I can sleep like a pig today. Why discriminating pig though?
Introduction
So what is special here? Here, in this blog, I would enter the determination of my future as I'm going to apply to a grad school. How will my relationship with the girl from 2nd blog go, where I go and.... ya.... Why am I doubting about the girl from 2nd blog? It's more like... I really want her to be happy, and if I were the cause to her sadness, I would think over of doing what her friend called YM did; which is to "split" path for the moment, and if love is still going great by the time I get residency in some other country, we would be together again. But if we were to find our happiness with someone else... that would be the end of our chance of going back, but we will be like blood siblings after that, or even better (at least to what I think and willing to do). What makes me doubt? It is because I'm stressing over the obtaining residency on different country, since I do not want to go back to where I came from (no future there). Even if I were to go back... I doubt the life I have with that girl from 2nd blog would ever be sweet as we imagined. That's why I would consider the other option so the both of us can be happy. It's really sad to think about it. We dreamt and plan about what our house will be, what pets, what car, even name for children for duck sake... We are just so deeply rooted, that I kind of think that I would even think the life with another person will even be nice. Life just.... sucked I guess. But again, I said the same thing when I end friendship with the 1st blog girl. I was all like
"OMG... how is life going to be? All I have in mind was her... all my future image has her in it...all....."
Yeap, that gay. And guess what, just couple months later, I all recovered (before dating the girl from 2nd blog). But still... I would say this one would take years or even... never if we were to still communicate and stuff. But again, if both of us come to this conclusion... I would, deep in my heart, have to still appreciate her for rescuing me from my depressed caused by 1st blog girl. She is just to perfect to be forgotten. At least, if we were to leave each other, we would leave with no regret... hopefully... i hope. And about that lab girl, I think I ruined the bridge to be friendly and instead being a creep now because I forgot what happened. I think I visited the lab hour at hours that she would never expected anyone.
Been feeling empty these days... due to bad scores from classes.... need to study for freaking GRE for grad school entrance, since my 4 year degree is NOT enough...need to have another recommendation letters.... need to write a fucking personal statement, as if my choice is not enough. I just need some physical interactions right now. I need a hug... but as you know my girl won't be here till I don't know when. The lab girl: And since she sees me more than any other times this week, as well as me trying to offer her company since she said she was going to be out late (this one Im just neutral though, I was just being nice that day. I HONESTLY just wanna go home after looking at my lousy protein experiment. luckily she said she was fine.). All in all, its a good news that I finally get rid myself of a factor that would potentially make me show any affection that is none other Joan. So I win this game.
Let's look at the nicer things that happens this week... wait.. nothing. I got one of the highest for my developmental class though. Other than that, I'm just sad. Oh ya, tomorrow class at 12:30 PM. I can sleep like a pig today. Why discriminating pig though?
Introduction
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
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