It's 2020 and been a couple months since I last updated this page. I haven't had anything in my mind that drives me to write anything. Back when I was in romantic period of chasing a girl, I always rely on doing this in order to ease my mind. I am still in the same relationship for 5 years now, and I realize that the peak moment of my blog is when we first separate. From then on, I rarely write anything about my relationship. It's just so stable that I don't know what to say here or rant about.
So why am I here writing/typing today? It's because I told myself to write something now so I won't regret it in future that my blog is abandoned, and there is nothing that I can laugh or nostalgic about.
But ofcourse I came in today with a topic to write. It is about this person that I sometimes forget, but was somewhat a part of my life before.
Ok now that's awkward because I literally stopped at my 2nd paragraph and did not update until now... which is like 1 month.
Something I had in mind is the question of the girl from my 1st blog. It does seem like I could never stop writing......
Even more awkward as I just stopped and did not continue write this entry for another 1-2 months.
I'll just update now if not I probably forget later. First thing first, the idea of trying to apologize or again reconnect with Nia. I always thought of a way to talk with her, but it would have been awkward to just start talking now without context. What should I say? "Hi, it's been a long time, how are you doing?" That sounds real gey, but a sufficient way to start the conversation I say. I always get into a roadblock where I question myself "why does it even matter what I say after years of dormancy between us?" Like people have impression of first words or speech, but I have met her before and talked to her before for almost everyday. True that things ended up awkward between us, but why is it also I don't want to start any conversation? The fear of unknown I suppose? What is the unknown? Her replies? What would she feel or say? But does it even matter how others feel? The concept of me thinking about how she feels is legit based on her version inside my head. And her version inside my head hasn't been updated ever since 4-5 years ago, or maybe even more.
Logically, the best move for me is to just start talking to her, but the human emotion part of me denies that and don't want to involve unnecessary actions. I guess that's what makes us human. Though logic is more likely will give us better future, but the human of us limits us to what we can do and not be a total robot. This notion reminds me of the game Nier Automata, where the original Aliens who invaded Earth were perceived as "boring" by their own creations, as they only follow logic: "if something is broken (be it physical or social problems), then it will be fixed with no emotions" "if something is required for the sake of their race but not others, then they will do anything necessary for their own survival." The list goes on but the idea is they are a race of creatures that have zero emotions. And the main protagonist, of course, are pro-human, and that's why the Alien's creations (antagonist) are more interested in humans than their own kind. I won't spoil more on the story but the more I think about it the more I realize that we are a very dramatic creature. We seek drama as if it is necessary for our life. I don't mean drama in terms of K-drama or some other romantic/tragic story, but rather we use our emotion to guide ourself, and sometimes, but not always, diverge from doing something better. Let's say you are an introvert who doesn't talk to anyone, sit in corner everyday minding you own toughts. Others may say "take a look at him/her, acting all cool and shit." You may not want it, but the act of being different from others is considerably dramatic, as why can't you just be like other people and instead be very different. Another example is if you want were given the choice of doing something, but you ended up using your emotion to guide you, rather than logic. The most common example I see is people posting up emotional quotes or life updates in social medias about their life, like relationship for example, where they have hard time dealing with their partner, and instead of logically processing what is best for his/her relationship. Yes some probably they tried, but based a story I heard, the amount they "tried" is basically dumb. For one story, which is a friend of my girl friend who she knew for years. She had a boyfriend who only seeks short term relation ship and doesn't want to go beyond, in addition he demands deep physical interaction with her. Her, playing the "caretaker" let her boy friend does that, but he still doesn't consider deep relationship just because he got hurt before by his ex. And of course the girl is sad. She gave whatever she can to the boy, but the boy doesn't want to give his best to believe in her. Now, play that you are the girl, what would you do:
1) Try your best to learn his situation, find correct ways to wake him up from his nightmare and give him all you can to give him experiences that would make him acknowledge that you are not going to repeat his past. And in all cases that he doesn't want to change at all, you would just move on from the boy.
2) Try give the boy whatever he wants that doesn't actually help him, for example feeding him all the lust/pleasures he desires. Dismiss his "unpleasant behavior" with an excuse of "his is still 21, and he is still growing." Continuously get depressed from his behavior, and post emotional quotes/updates at Instagram. And probably quit the relationship when you get enough mental scar from doing this.
Many seeks part 2 as we are human. But there is something that may not support this idea of mine. What if logic was taught properly at early education, so people can grow to use logic more than emotions? Would that create a less dramatic society? I still believe that emotions will be there to judge an individual's action, but would cases like I describe above be less common? Something like science, maths they are logic, but we are forced to memorize them, rather than actually embrace the fact that logical approaches would lead to a correct answer. Maybe zero emotion can be acheived if someone is raised in a school where their reality is based on a society that should never show emotion, like an extreme army school I guess. Though they may not show emotions, I still believe somehow that those individuals still have a tiny or spark of emotion in them, waiting to burst out. What is human without emotions I guess.
I guess I derailed enough. Back to the main question, I would follow my human part to not talk to her now, but I would probably start the conversation at her birthday, where I can wish her and hopefully a seed would be planted then.
The long ago Fantasia
