I genuinely forgot to post this.

 I worked with Dr. Ruohola-Baker for 3 years (1st year as an undergraduate, and 2 years as a post-bachelor employee), and she was the mentor that sharpened me into a scientist. She has a very strong will and motivation to do good science, and to my understanding, she obtained this by persevering through tough times as a female scientist during the 80s-90s. 

The thing is, I did not learn to be a scientist from her via a smooth road, it was rather by a very strict way. Although unintentional, most of us from the lab, including me, learned to be a better scientist from her via the fear factor. For instance if we did not do experiments well, we would be questioned very seriously of our method, and if we did not present well in the meeting, we would be placed onto spotlight. To top that, her standard is very high in regards to presenting and thinking scientifically. I have to say, not many students were able to stay with her for too long, however, I did persevered through it and became one of the lab's core member. To be who I am today, I had to change from a very quiet person into a more of an active person (in a way that I would speak up to what I have questions/concerns of or immediately reach out to anyone whenever I have problem), which is a core necessity to be a good scientist. And via the rough way of how she taught me to do good science (building hypothesis, designing an experiment and writing a scientific literature), I was sharpened very much that I was ready to be a graduate student. And the fact that the things that I have been doing today are going very smooth is all thanks to her mentoring skills.

As much as I liked who I became now, I did not like what I went through and I understood that her methodology of teaching/mentoring would not apply well to most of the current generations (or any). I learned, however, to teach others in a better way. Dr. Ruohola-Baker gave me the opportunities to work with many undergraduates, and that gave me the experience of how to properly mentor a student. I learned that students can be made into a great scientist without having to experience any fear-factor by passionately and patiently guiding the students slowly throughout their development. With a balance of seriousness, introducing humor during research is vitally necessary to make the lab environment less stressful and would make them more engaged in the project. Overall, a happy setting would generate a productive environment. 

I genuinely forgot to post this. 

Lasting Memories

Hold it hold it, before you scroll further up or down, do you recognize some of these things here: 

There seem to be a trend in me that I tend to dream about the people from high school. A beautiful memory where all I did was to fool around and enjoy life before we all move on. I am lucky that I am able to get to where I am now without having to sacrifice much of my high school life to be the slave of marking scheme. Well I did at the end, but not for the majority of my school life. Some days I dream about some people I don't mingle as much with, some days, or most days, I dream about him. The very one guy name Sheldon. 

We met when I first came to Kuching. At first I had to survive and be an ass by following the trend of bully. Yes, I was a dipshit when I was at that age. Just a kid that causes chaos that I was not proud of. He had to be the target for the first few months. But as I notice him more, the more peculiar that guy became. He wandered alone, and does things that the normal kids don't. That definition of chaos in him was what switched my side into his. I embrace neutral chaos and his is truly at the level of my interest. I quit doing shits to tease him after the negative influencers decided to let me be. I like that he was able to keep up with his smile and jokes and chaos even under high pressure of bully. I can't stop it because I was mostly neutral in the classroom and not really supporting anyone in particular. 

During elementary school, I don't really consider us being close, yet I felt the opposite too. We tend to look play together and joke around and that was it, I wasn't able to digest that he was a friend, but deep inside he was already part of me. As ended our elementary school, I remember that one moment, where he hugged me infront of his parents and our classroom. It was the very moment I understood he felt something that's more than I ever realized on me. 

Came the high school moment. We were in the same class, which was epic and all. Although I ended up being with more of the cool kids side, I was also at the same time on his side of the group. That was the moment, where the romance me got the better of me. The most childish thing ever: focusing on romance and throwing away bros. I failed miserably on both sides, as I could have spent more time with him, at the same time being myself and not trying to be someone else while being with the cool kids group. It was disgusting but definitely not the end of my idiocy. Throughout however, I never completely abandon him. Though, I would probably could have spent more time with him, had it not my stupidity taken over. Honestly, till the end of high school, all was well, and I could have end things there and everything would not have been as bad as today.

Now came the A-level period, where all shit goes down. The early period was about the 3rd girl I referred to in the last last blog. I was depressed and shit from romance that I isolated myself. He lost his dad a year before this, but I believe it was also the issue that I wasn't able to address properly. He felt kicked out and that's when he distanced himself from me. I felt alienated and I had to use the rough words to actually fixed the situation then. Looking back at the message, I definitely was an asshole. Then came the second romance with the girl I am with now. This was also the time... where I lost myself to be someone that is unappreciative and retarded in general. I kept him away from my circle because of how I felt annoyed by him becoming more clingy onto me. I hated anyone being clingy on me, even my girlfriend. I always felt he kept invading my bubble and made me uncomfortable. In addition to the pain I got from the 3rd girl, he also became very touchy on me, which made me extra discomfort. though I agree I let him touch me in the most retarded way possible before, but due to the situation, I wasn't able to. At times when he came to me, giving hospitality, that I believe was the moment he lost his chaos that I embraced. He became more dependent on me and that was something that deterred me. I wonder if it is all Kenny's fault that made him like that but all in all, he grew his dependence with me until to the point I felt uncomfortable.  

I knew that all along, he wanted me to be closer to me, it was the methodology he utilized that made me feel... not enjoy. I loved his past self of being independent and laugh at shits that I find extremely chaotic for the majority of the society, but it seemed that was not a thing anymore at that time. 

All these years, the dream I have is always about him when it comes to childhood memories. He gave me the experiences that I wished I could feel again. I don't believe in the "it's too late" mentality, but rather, "when's the right time?" is more appropriate to ask for apologies. Though even if I could, would he even take my hand? He wrote to me in his "divorce letter" that he want me to forget him, but at the same time, looking at the sky to remember him at times. Well, sadly he can't be forgotten, neither can I move on completely without apologizing for my retardedness. 

Even if I do, how? Has he moved house? His social medias are mostly deleted, so how to contact him? Has he moved on hating me and trying not to associate with me anymore? I have always known his past self that he would probably forgive and forget, but with his newer attitude... That I don't know. It's been years since that too, so is like the one I met, or the one I left? I do think that apologizes are in order, and again I don't know how and when. 

If there was a regret in my high school, is not to spend more time with him. Though life is still long (hopefully) perhaps I can make that happen again sometime in future... experiencing the retarded life we had back in high school and forget everything else that's happening on earth. 

I could still remember the stupid things you said and did that brighten my school life. If you are reading this. I hope at least you know that I'd like to amend for everything. It's been years since, and I have learned all my mistakes, and for any mistakes to come: we'll face it together pragmatically because I know, regardless of who you are now, being logical is still part of you.  

Lasting Memories