For awhile now, I have been thinking of good entries for the blog, but most of them time I forgot to write it and eventually forgotten forever.
(20 days later)
As of now, it is 2 days before cousin Steph's wedding, and I am current in my aunt's house.
(9 days later)
Now I am back in Seattle to run my old life. What I wrote up there is basically me trying to continue this blog, but at the same time not having the spirit to do so. I mean this blog is not alive nor dead, just very inactive because I hardly have the will to write anything these days. I recall back then when I started this blog, I had a lot of things that I wanted to write that I posted at least 2 post in a day. Now adays I have just been struck by work (unpaid), and not drama had happened for so long. My Aniki/senpai that I hang with is not dramatic (which is why I hang with him in the 1st place), so I almost have nothing to write about him either. Now I am in a local American cafe, supposedly doing my review on aging stem cell. Before I grow old and senile, this is the current update I have:
1) Graduated from UWUniveristy OWOshington with degree in MCD.
2) I got accepted into OPT program.
3)Stayed in the same stem cell lab (Hannele's) and have 3 projects going on (Review on Stem Cell Aging, Mechanism of Quiescence by the means of cellular pathway and Mechanism of Quiescence by the means of epigenetic.
4) Went to cousin's Steph's wedding. Which was epic in my opinion.
The graduation was hot as af, and I wasted my aunt's birthday by having her to sit under the sun for hours. Feels bad. But the graduation itself is nothing to me. If I haven't get a job, support parent, get my the darl into a western world, then I am still a loooooser. Next, the OPT thing... I got accepted quite early, but sadly my aniki did not get his approval until like a month later or so. But in the end everything went fine for the both of us.
The wedding was interesting, as it was my first time going into a western style wedding. I first learned the existential of "Tea Ceremony" where the bridge and groom has to offer tea to the elders (based on asian tradition). I was told that this was common, but apparently out of the 1000 asian wedding I went, I have never been invited into 1, so I never learned about it. But out of all, I was able to meet many of Uncle Ong's cool family. They were chill and such that I really felt like at home. At first I didn't want to go, but in the end of the day.... I didn't want to leave. Very nice people and very nice wedding.... It was held at a place where I could see the desert mountains. I like the place they chose, with the only downside being under the sun and it was blindingly bright during the ceremony. Other than that.... oh I also regret ordering fish than beef, because beef menu was filet mignon, whereas the fish is just sea bass.... which are cheaper. Very angry but oh wells, it was still good and that is all that matters.
Now my life is back to the old grind where I have to impress my PI by working hard. Thank god the projects that I received was in line with my interest. But other than that I really have no idea what comes next. I wonder if there is anything major that is due or have to be done soon.... Maybe just try to apply to graduate school? For grad school, I would love to stay or go to CA. If CA, I would want it to be a school where I can get funding for my entire study time... If not I will be in damnation of always using parent's money. But as of now, I really don't know what is coming. I say this because I typically have something that I usually nervous about.... Oh, I am applying for the unescorted access to large nuclear material, which takes about a few months to process? And at the process, the FBI will be looking into me deeply. Well, I am not too scared by this because, as far as I am aware of, I have never done any wrong or crime in the life that I have lived (other than lying about my homework being eaten by a cicak).
I guess that's much as I can report. Oh... I finally met that girl again. Well the word "finally" is not really correct, but more like... I see her again... that person from the "hella" lab. Not real name, but that PI was so bad that my experience in his/her lab was like hell. Back to topic, I met the same person I used to work with in that lab. You probably won't understand who I am referring to today, because I purposefully written her story in a hidden side of the blog. And no, we are not going back to find that hidden blog now. But basically this person almost pulled me out of my current relationship. She did nothing, it was all on me. AND NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO FIND THAT HIDDEN POST UWU. Back to story, I met her again, now at my current work place. She looks exactly the same. I wonder if she is working in the same institute as I am now or something. It was already 6 pm though. I know she always came in late to lab back when I used to work with her, but that was because of class and stuff. I wonder if she also taking 2 lab positions as she did before. But that would mean that she is working more as a technician than researcher. I am quite curious on what she is doing currently. She was actually the person that drove me to have 2 research experience at the same time. But I never told her anything about it. I never want to tell her that I wanted to challenge her, but this is more for myself. "If she can do it, so can I," was the saying that I had in my head when I first heard from my ex-PI that she is working for 2 different lab at the same time. And for that, I was her "silent challenger," by working in 2 different lab at the same time, while also taking hard ass classes. The moment I saw her was when she went down off the shuttle and our eyes met, we said hi, but both of us just walked passed, me going into the shuttle, she walked to whatever place she wanted to go to. At that brief moment.... I recall a little of the past where I met and worked with her. My mind stopped working as I recall the face of that ex-PI of mine. Oh I saw her during my graduation. Saw her, and immediately was pissed by her as she doesn't say hi back to me. Freaking PI..... she saw me and acted like she never knew me. I worked my ass hard for her but she never guide me right. In the end of the day.... seeing my old PI was very unpleasant. Now to think about it... is she still working with my ex-PI? Next time I see her, I'll pin her down and ask her about her life, or atleast, about how is my dear ex-PI doing.
To think about it, the next story is about my a the darl. She couldn't get a job and her parents are like grinding her to get one and seem to use more of emotion than intellect to keep her having the "drive" to get a job fast. I discussed this with her before: But perfections doesn't come with being hurried. What I am trying to say is, when people or parents are desperate, they tend to use emotion to want things to get done, but at the same time, not very efficient and also drives other people or their kids to fall into mental depression. I know this well because it was well written on my blog.... part... 2? I described well the drama I had at home. Where I was pushed hard to get into Fall quarter to start my education. I chose winter quarter and my parents were unhappy and immediately assumed that I am lazy, picking romance over future, stupid, etc etc. The more I think about it the more I have no doubt that my parents were just flooded with fear of thinking that I have been influenced to be a "bad person" or someone that they totally do want to have. It was, of course, very sad on my side, where parents don't support your thinking, even though I logically had planned everything, just to be fired with ideology that are only supported by emotions. In the end, my choice had brought me good experience of life in college and university. I regret nothing over my choice. I ended in a lab where I am given 3 projects that can be used to support my entry to grad school better than other candidates. I am lucky to be where I am now. My parents wanted me to go to school 3 months earlier, but would that choice bring me to where I am now? Probably same or better? I do doubt that. I get to where I am now by meeting right people at right time. Even my failures here had brought me to where I can excel better than others. What are the odds of me working in the same lab with the same work moral and such if I hadn't been exposed to the failure that I was supposed to receive and learn from? Just what are the odds of me going into a the same place or better? A stem cell lab that gave me 3 projects relating to cancer and aging? Name me a more interesting lab and project than that! What I am trying to say is.... just by 3 months later than normal application, I probably had gotten a good or better life. I mean there could still be chance of me ended up in the same place, but again, what are the odds? If I hadn't sacrificed 3 more months being with my darl, both of us... agreed that we might not be able to last as long as we are now. I also ended up graduating from my college at the same time if I had came in 3 months earlier, but would I be the same person? If I had broken up with my darl, would I still have the drive to move forward as today? Maybe yes and no. There's a chance I might get someone here and of course get citizenship in a blink. That's all cool and stuff, but will my application to grad school be as great as I have now? How much depression would I fall into if I had to break with darl?
One can argue it could be better and not, but the idea is, I still did not fail as of now. I am actually doing better than I thought I would do actually..... Back to the main idea.... Don't let your parents' emotion influence your future choice. Make your own logical decision and stick to it. Outcome my be better or worst or same, just don't regret not following your own instinct. And again... don't randomly assume that you know better than your parents or elderly, I was like this because I knew their logic were based on emotion and were full of doubts. If your parents gave you a logical statement with little to no emotions infused, then you might want to listen to them. My parents always force me to graduate fast, but that idea only works if you are in business major (correct me if I am wrong), and atleast, definitely not my major. I had followed what they wanted me to do, which is to study fast and graduate fast, I would 100% not be in good condition to go to grad school, as my field of study requires me to have as much research experience more than grades. If I graduate early, I would have taken away my chances of doing as much undergrad research as I should atleast have, and that would not lead me anywhere, as no one would even want to hire me. Like that neighbor that my parents used to compare me to.... He is also in bio-related major as I am, but all he did was to get good grade and graduate earlier. And that's when the problem came in. He couldn't find a job and from then on, my mother had never shared me his story or compared me to him anymore. Now to make it even worst, I heard many universities are dropping the GRE system (a standardized exam), so your application is weighted heavily on good research experience. And as of me, if my projects can really move to how I wish, my name would atleast be at the top 10 to 5% of best applicant. So really.... my entire point is... I made it to where I want to be by listening to my own belief. I know my gamble and I played it right. But don't interpret me wrongly, if you are not rational and drive your choices mostly by emotion, then you should NOT LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Seem like as long as you are rational (don't simply assume that you are though), you can move correctly. It's kind of weird though....to think about it, how do you know that you are a rational person? when can you start to listen to yourself and not others? When are you sure that you are right? All I know was that I could closely predict the logical order of possible future back then. If I go early..... less interaction with darl, high chance of breaking up, sad life in USA, no motivation to move forward. If I go a little later the chances of breaking up is lower (as we spend more time together and know about each other more deeply), and hence I can focus on my studies better; which overall lead me to a better life. The latter choice had brought me a good life, and I can't say too much about the former. And how did I get this kind of thinking without doubting myself that I might be super wrong? Failure, I am one of the biggest loser in my class. I acted like shit and stuff while at the same time, practiced my skill of logical thinking. I learned all emotion driven actions always end up in failure, whereas logical thinking are the ones that saved me. I practiced logical thinking in high school as I knew damn well that I had nothing to lose, other than friend or dignity. I trained my thinking since then, and that's how I was able to chose my own path without getting into as much doubt. All that matter is, I was able to make a choice without being influenced by my parent. Now I recall that there are times where I made my choice and my parents still try to persuade me to go earlier. I am quite proud of myself that I am capable of sticking to my own belief/gamble, even after being roasted everyday at home by my very own parents. Kind of annoying though. They were not happy with my choice and tried to control me. To think about it, did the relationship with my darl also made me into such a confident person? Because I recall that I was a person who's easily affected by other people's words, especially by my own parents. If I had gone into the former choice and fail ultimately as predicted by my gamble, who would I blame? My parents or myself? Regardless, I will to live with an eternal regret, and that's what I want to avoid. One of the reason I was able to keep on to my gamble is because I know the feeling of following the choice that is not made by my own will, and to ultimately end up in regret. And let me share with you that the feeling of regret by not following other people's words are not as painful (sometimes the regret just fades away real quick from me... as soon as I learn from the mistake of course...) as regretting from not to follow your own instinct (I have a couple of this regret since high school, and some of them still haunts me up till today, eventhough they were not very important to me). I am happy that I had been experiencing failures when the stakes was so low, but in turn, I learned a lot about decision making for myself. If you are a parent and is currently reading this, please do not force your kids to do something out of emotions, you would probably destroy them internally. Please do not throw away their self esteem if you can.... So what's of my relationship with my parent now? All I can say is better. I was given the chance of going back hometown to visit my GF and see my parents once more, and luckly this time, they never compared me to anyone anymore and I was given the smiles that I have wanted to see. From then on... though the trip was just a total of a month, I was able to fix my self and forgive them of their past mistakes on me. If they had not wanted me to go back, I would probably still in hatred and not contact them as often as I do now. I recall there was a time, before my visit back from US, I did not call my parents for 2-3 months straight. Now at least every week or 2 weeks there are calls between me and the family. I've been like ranting about this for hours, probably the essay if full of repetition by this point. Here are some favorite quotes I got my captain Levi:
"The only thing we're allowed to do... is to believe that we won't regret the choice we made."
"I don't know which option you should choose. I could never advise you on that... No matter what kind of wisdom dictates you the option you pick, no one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong until you arrive to some sort of outcome from your choice."
With all of that. I'll end this post as I am going to continue reading some research papers regarding aging and such.
