Probably not gonna that about what I promised before.
But I want to write about more regarding the statement "we perceive things as how we want it to be." I am pretty sure I wrote something similar to this back in the previous post. Instead of discussing this logic regarding to flatter ourselves by the action of another, I want to write more about how we use the same logic on song lyrics to justify our actions (or giving us false motivation).
I don't know if other humans are like this, but I tend to listen to songs back then and try to use the lyrics to motivate myself. But instead of really trying to understand what each sentence in the lyrics meant, I, either just listen to some parts of the song and skip the others or literally/VOLUNTARILY, make myself believe that the song 100% relates to my life so that I can feel as if I am not in the boat alone, eventhough the song has a different purpose/motive(?). And it is also funny that when we look back at some of these songs that we listened to during our "love phase," we noticed that some of the lyrics don't actually meant what you believe it was before.
Note that i am not typing these at home, I am actually in UW Southlake Union right now, sitting using a desk formally used by a post doc name Mario, waiting for my virgin UAS-Dcr2; nos-Gal4 virgins to hatch (need to cross them later with the Atg RNAi lines, as well as Tsc RNAi lines).
Back to topic, I want to emphasize the fact that I do not know if anyone of you were as stupid as me, in terms of trying to do the above (the song part). So if I am really that retarded, then I.... am retarded.... Whatever.... Instead of me going through theories, I would rather just use a song that I engraved in my heart long ago, back when I was still in the 1st blog drama.
I will write the lyrics, as well as how I'll define the lyrics as before and today.
Song title: Heaven Knows, by Rick Price
She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up 'til I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know
Before and Now: I see this part similarly to how I interpret it before. It's really like a weird feeling where she is always on your mind, whenever/wherever you are. I recall it was very taxing to have such a feeling, but I wasn't able to get out of it. The worst is when I start laughing/giggling at anything, her face would have popped out in my head a second after that. Could that be me trying to relate her to my happiness?
And though she's so far away
It just keeps gettin' stronger, every day
And even now she's gone
Before: I always see it as she is so close, yet so far, eventhough it is vague here. The "gone" I believed in the past was when she no longer want to look into me as her potential, where in actual fact, she never had.
Now: I just think this part is trying to convey the idea that the girl had physically moved out town, yet the singer still builds his lover for her; probably because the singer and the guy were already dating and somehow they break up, and the guy finally see how separation has made him realized how much he actually loved her.
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't want to let her go
Before: I conveyed to myself hard that this means "I am hoping that she would just like me back... somehow." When I was like this, I also begged the question of how to maintain my emotion like that forever? What should I do in order to get her like me and break me out of the misery? Where should I start? And all I know is, I don't want to stop loving her because I was desperate in trying to get her out of her sad life as well. I recall I always see her life as "some one who's lost." And to guide someone out of that is what I would sacrifice myself for.
Now: Probably he realized how much she was important to him, and he begged the question on how to get this girl back to him (where should he start?). And the 2 lines are obviously because of the same reason, he can't leave her because he just realized her value to his life. This song actually fits in the summarized scenario of :couples fight, break, boy regret, girl find other boy, boy sad, boy make song.
Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Before: As memory serves, I always never had the 1st part understood and i randomly perceive is as some other lyric. "Maybe my love will come back some day" I took this as if my definition of love, or my quest of love itself has lost its meaning because I am in love with someone that probably don't love me back. Which... is still considered "love," so I don't know how I went so far in trying to twist the lyrics, where I knew it wasn't defining what the lyrics meant. The rest is pretty similar to how I see it today.
Now: When he say "my love" he probably is referring to the girl. It's quite a common pet calling(?) where someone calls their significant others "my love." And the rest is basically hoping that the girl would love him back again, and that's why all he can do is hope and pray. What would happen if he just aggressively chase after her though?
My friends keep tellin' me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
But tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't want to let her go
Before: 1st 3 lines is as obvious as it is. I did not misled this part because someone in my class literally said the same thing to me. What is weird is the 4th and 5th line. I took those lines before as separate sentences. I took the 4th line as "As if she returns in kind," which made myself meant "as if she would return to me and love me directly ( I honestly thought this quantum defying thing could happen)." And the 5th line as just "I know she's mine," which obviously trying to further fool myself that she is fated to be mine. This shows just how loving someone could make yourself blinder than a blind person.
Now: The 3rd line is connected to the 4th and 5th line. If he set her free, he could finally attain peace in himself. 4th line is more of saying "who knows if she would come back," so not only the guy would attain peace in himself, but he also would still be playing the chance of having the woman coming back to him. And if that happens, that would be great, since 1) the guy doesn't have to continuously suffer while waiting (or he could just not wait), 2) if she returns, all he got to do is to began loving her back and 3) when a woman/man comes back after hardship, usually is because they have finally opened themselves to change that had cause the hole in the relationship. If he doesn't let her go, he'd probably just suffer, at the same time waiting on the person to come back. I probably could summarize this part as "if you see your best friend suffer of love, you would tell them to move on and if she comes back, then oh lalala).
Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
Before: 1st line same, only 2nd and 3rd line. I took the 2nd and 3rd as one sentence and slightly misled the lyrics. I said it as "Cause why we go dreaming, while I know she's never there." It's really funny that I LITERALLY added words that were never there, yet at that time I believed real hard that they where there when I listened to it 911 times. I don't have to explain why I heard what I heard since it is quite clear to you what I am trying to convey in that part.
Now: I think he is just in agony because as long as he exist to love her, she is never there. I honestly still IDK in this part.
And all the time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so
Before: I literally ignored this part, since I had no idea how it would biasly relate to me.
Now: Still IDK.
Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Well that's all about it. As we can see, we perceive things as how we want them to be. And it gets worst when you are in love. Just how pathetic we (or at least I am) are when we are in love... trying to get someone and use songs to justify our actions and feelings.
Misleading Opera
Sunday, December 23, 2018
Monday, December 17, 2018
Original/Ever-changing Symphony
Okay... so whatever i wrote yesterday wasn't saved. Do note that I haven't been writing for quite a while now, so I my engrish is quite brokan.
Basically I am typing stuff that my brain have been asking/wondering about...
What is our natural state?
When I ask what is our natural state, I meant more of the reasons why we are brought up the way we are, and why do we do things in high school which usually ends up us regretting doing it in the future. If you are an endocrinologist, you would answer that question with "sleep" (for some of you who didn't take any classes discussing about sleep, sleeping is our actual "native state" of the body) If I ask you, I bet 0.50 cents (i legit no money right now, so I don't wanna gamble) that you did some embarrassing things that you wished you would not have done.
But, why did we do it in the first place? Why did I, have to try acting differently in front of others, when certainly that is not who I really am? Why did I act cool in front if Nia and said that "it's okay to reject me, we can still be friends" repeatedly and ended up breaking her heart and thrust? Not only that, I broke my own life... Why did I, take the dancing group with Natalie and others, yet I myself do not enjoy dancing? Why did I, try to impress others by drinking excessively? Why did I, drove myself into K pop, where I never really liked them? Why did I, when do something funny or weird, always look at the girls? Why did I, have to order a rose for Natalie when I was in grade 8, and to Nia at grade 11? Why did I, have to do any of these?
To impress others, is what many people do during their youth. Some people don't, and they ended up lonelier. For those who impress others but not themselves, why? It is such a hurtful feeling, yet we drive ourselves to believe that the silver lining exist. We do these hurtful things, yet when we get a small yet hopeful news, we actually buy it and straight away assumed that what we have been doing was right all along.... but in actual fact... it doesn't carry any of that good news at all. We perceive things as what we would like it to be. It's like when Nia just slept on my shoulder, she didn't mean anything, she just saw me as a friend and that's all to it. She trusted our relationship so much that she would even do that when at that time, she was dating a guy from A-level (incase you forgot, it's that guy that have a protruding lower jaw, have glasses, really short haired, and have a scar on his head). Yet the only thing I assumed from that event is "there's a hope."
What is this "impress?" For us, for you, for me, for him, for her, for it, for any higher up eukaryotes organism, it is simply to mate. To mate, to create offspring, is the drive in all of us. Some females wait, some others chase endlessly. Some males chase endlessly, some have no desire (not gay). For me, I am a simple one who tried to chase all the time. To impress, is simply to show that you are different than others, and that you are the prime candidate for anyone to mate. It is simply true that most of men's high school memory is about to impress the other sex to have fun with them. It is simply weird, but true. In the wild, we would go around and try to kill each other just for territory and women, but in our shifted society, all we could do is to impress. But why do we get embarrassed by our moves in the end? Because we failed. What if we had done it differently? Would we get the sacred bobs and vagana?
What if, we had been truthful to ourselves and instead of impressing others by doing things that are not ourselves, we impress them by becoming ourselves? Sad for us, that rule is generally not allowed in the community. Just look at Sheldon, he had always been true to himself, yet he is the one that got bullied to no end. He is different, in that he is not seen as "worthy" of passing offspring. If he read this post right now, I would bet 10 cents (i decide to go lower because i am seriously broke), that he would say "why the fuck would I do that?" That's exactly why. To those who stay true to themselves in the wild with no interest in mating, tend to be the outlier of the community. They don't follow norms, which includes no desire to pass on offspring. And that action itself is already declaring war on natural selection. Of course, for those who are born to oppose the nature, will die; same goes for those who couldn't/want to create offspring.
For one, don't you think it seems funny that to hate LGBT is literally normal in our community? Now now don't get allllllll pumped up yet~ Let me phrase that sentence a little more understandable to you all air breathing humans: Why, does hate on LGBT even exist in the 1st place? If you are not born in a more developed countries, you would probably be familiar with hearing your community referring people who are gay/lesbian as bad. Most of the people who are not fed with present education would agree on such statement. LGBT itself is already a topic of taboo from thousand of years ago. All of these hatred, can be rooted into natural selection. Natural selection doesn't give a triple shit about your kindness (actually in some way yes, but i don't want to get too far discussing this), all it care is if you could contribute to the community by creating more species of yourself, by having sex with an opposite gender. That's it. Finish, full stop, no comma, no colon, no whatever this ";" symbol is called, that's all natural selection wishes you to do. And ofcourse, it has the combat system to eliminate those who could not fulfill such a criteria, which is hate. To hate... to punish... is what natural selection is doing on us to keep our species in check. You can google gay people being punished in Indonesia, and you will see videos where they are publicly humiliated for their "crime." To humiliate them, is to say "trying to fix them," where in actual fact, LGBT can't be "fixed."
It is so weird that all I have been doing is actually normal in natural selection sense. To impress, yet to regret.... If I hadn't done all of these, I would be deemed as "abnormal" and I would probably be the target of classes' bully. I really have to say, we are born eff up, and many people today still carry on the legacy of punishing those who are not worthy of mating. I do not have anything against the LGBT, just note that. I have couple people I know who are in the LGBT community, and I must say, they are much better than some people who are straight.
My perspectives are no longer in the natural state. All I have now is an altered state, where I am no longer participating in female chase or hating/discriminating the "unworthiest." Do note that humans are more inclined towards polygamy creature, which means males would prefer to have more than 1 female partner. Some of you who males who disagrees, try to consider the following: what if you have a wive, yet she encouraged you to get another? Better yet, your wive has another partner that she wouldn't mind sharing you with. If you say no, then ok. Not good or bad, just ok. Remember, I said humans are more inclined towards polygamy, not 100% polygamy.
It is weird that my present perspectives has given me the ability to give compassion and empathy to anyone living. Even enemies sometimes. I just hate it when I get to know more about my enemies, because I tend to ended up liking them. For example Angela from my workplace. I honestly do not like her personality. But when she told me some stories of her past, I was able to link her past to how she could have become the person I hated today; which in all, made me cared for her. But I know I should not care too much about her. I have done similar things in the past, and though it doesn't hurt me today, I can still remember how unpleasant it is to care others who don't care about us back. I don't really seek anything much in return, all I could ask for is the same empathy given, but mostly no one is able to even give anything back closer to that.
Looking back to all of that junk that I typed.... doesn't it seem like to have the altered view I have today is still considered "natural" since I am still human and evolution keeps on going regardless of anything?
What do you think? Have we evolved and created a new order in our "natural" state, or do we lost our natural state the more we are influenced by the present education system (basically the no hate system)? I could go all philosophical, but I am just going to end it here now because I am tired, and I have to go to lab tomorrow. I have to drug my flies with DMSO and 37187 chemotherapeutic drug.
Next topic will probably be about my final answer/ decision with how I should view the girl from the 1st blog. It's literally been almost 6(?) years since then.
Original/Ever-changing Symphony
Basically I am typing stuff that my brain have been asking/wondering about...
What is our natural state?
When I ask what is our natural state, I meant more of the reasons why we are brought up the way we are, and why do we do things in high school which usually ends up us regretting doing it in the future. If you are an endocrinologist, you would answer that question with "sleep" (for some of you who didn't take any classes discussing about sleep, sleeping is our actual "native state" of the body) If I ask you, I bet 0.50 cents (i legit no money right now, so I don't wanna gamble) that you did some embarrassing things that you wished you would not have done.
But, why did we do it in the first place? Why did I, have to try acting differently in front of others, when certainly that is not who I really am? Why did I act cool in front if Nia and said that "it's okay to reject me, we can still be friends" repeatedly and ended up breaking her heart and thrust? Not only that, I broke my own life... Why did I, take the dancing group with Natalie and others, yet I myself do not enjoy dancing? Why did I, try to impress others by drinking excessively? Why did I, drove myself into K pop, where I never really liked them? Why did I, when do something funny or weird, always look at the girls? Why did I, have to order a rose for Natalie when I was in grade 8, and to Nia at grade 11? Why did I, have to do any of these?
To impress others, is what many people do during their youth. Some people don't, and they ended up lonelier. For those who impress others but not themselves, why? It is such a hurtful feeling, yet we drive ourselves to believe that the silver lining exist. We do these hurtful things, yet when we get a small yet hopeful news, we actually buy it and straight away assumed that what we have been doing was right all along.... but in actual fact... it doesn't carry any of that good news at all. We perceive things as what we would like it to be. It's like when Nia just slept on my shoulder, she didn't mean anything, she just saw me as a friend and that's all to it. She trusted our relationship so much that she would even do that when at that time, she was dating a guy from A-level (incase you forgot, it's that guy that have a protruding lower jaw, have glasses, really short haired, and have a scar on his head). Yet the only thing I assumed from that event is "there's a hope."
What is this "impress?" For us, for you, for me, for him, for her, for it, for any higher up eukaryotes organism, it is simply to mate. To mate, to create offspring, is the drive in all of us. Some females wait, some others chase endlessly. Some males chase endlessly, some have no desire (not gay). For me, I am a simple one who tried to chase all the time. To impress, is simply to show that you are different than others, and that you are the prime candidate for anyone to mate. It is simply true that most of men's high school memory is about to impress the other sex to have fun with them. It is simply weird, but true. In the wild, we would go around and try to kill each other just for territory and women, but in our shifted society, all we could do is to impress. But why do we get embarrassed by our moves in the end? Because we failed. What if we had done it differently? Would we get the sacred bobs and vagana?
What if, we had been truthful to ourselves and instead of impressing others by doing things that are not ourselves, we impress them by becoming ourselves? Sad for us, that rule is generally not allowed in the community. Just look at Sheldon, he had always been true to himself, yet he is the one that got bullied to no end. He is different, in that he is not seen as "worthy" of passing offspring. If he read this post right now, I would bet 10 cents (i decide to go lower because i am seriously broke), that he would say "why the fuck would I do that?" That's exactly why. To those who stay true to themselves in the wild with no interest in mating, tend to be the outlier of the community. They don't follow norms, which includes no desire to pass on offspring. And that action itself is already declaring war on natural selection. Of course, for those who are born to oppose the nature, will die; same goes for those who couldn't/want to create offspring.
For one, don't you think it seems funny that to hate LGBT is literally normal in our community? Now now don't get allllllll pumped up yet~ Let me phrase that sentence a little more understandable to you all air breathing humans: Why, does hate on LGBT even exist in the 1st place? If you are not born in a more developed countries, you would probably be familiar with hearing your community referring people who are gay/lesbian as bad. Most of the people who are not fed with present education would agree on such statement. LGBT itself is already a topic of taboo from thousand of years ago. All of these hatred, can be rooted into natural selection. Natural selection doesn't give a triple shit about your kindness (actually in some way yes, but i don't want to get too far discussing this), all it care is if you could contribute to the community by creating more species of yourself, by having sex with an opposite gender. That's it. Finish, full stop, no comma, no colon, no whatever this ";" symbol is called, that's all natural selection wishes you to do. And ofcourse, it has the combat system to eliminate those who could not fulfill such a criteria, which is hate. To hate... to punish... is what natural selection is doing on us to keep our species in check. You can google gay people being punished in Indonesia, and you will see videos where they are publicly humiliated for their "crime." To humiliate them, is to say "trying to fix them," where in actual fact, LGBT can't be "fixed."
It is so weird that all I have been doing is actually normal in natural selection sense. To impress, yet to regret.... If I hadn't done all of these, I would be deemed as "abnormal" and I would probably be the target of classes' bully. I really have to say, we are born eff up, and many people today still carry on the legacy of punishing those who are not worthy of mating. I do not have anything against the LGBT, just note that. I have couple people I know who are in the LGBT community, and I must say, they are much better than some people who are straight.
My perspectives are no longer in the natural state. All I have now is an altered state, where I am no longer participating in female chase or hating/discriminating the "unworthiest." Do note that humans are more inclined towards polygamy creature, which means males would prefer to have more than 1 female partner. Some of you who males who disagrees, try to consider the following: what if you have a wive, yet she encouraged you to get another? Better yet, your wive has another partner that she wouldn't mind sharing you with. If you say no, then ok. Not good or bad, just ok. Remember, I said humans are more inclined towards polygamy, not 100% polygamy.
It is weird that my present perspectives has given me the ability to give compassion and empathy to anyone living. Even enemies sometimes. I just hate it when I get to know more about my enemies, because I tend to ended up liking them. For example Angela from my workplace. I honestly do not like her personality. But when she told me some stories of her past, I was able to link her past to how she could have become the person I hated today; which in all, made me cared for her. But I know I should not care too much about her. I have done similar things in the past, and though it doesn't hurt me today, I can still remember how unpleasant it is to care others who don't care about us back. I don't really seek anything much in return, all I could ask for is the same empathy given, but mostly no one is able to even give anything back closer to that.
Looking back to all of that junk that I typed.... doesn't it seem like to have the altered view I have today is still considered "natural" since I am still human and evolution keeps on going regardless of anything?
What do you think? Have we evolved and created a new order in our "natural" state, or do we lost our natural state the more we are influenced by the present education system (basically the no hate system)? I could go all philosophical, but I am just going to end it here now because I am tired, and I have to go to lab tomorrow. I have to drug my flies with DMSO and 37187 chemotherapeutic drug.
Next topic will probably be about my final answer/ decision with how I should view the girl from the 1st blog. It's literally been almost 6(?) years since then.
Original/Ever-changing Symphony
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