Right now I'm bored since I had to leave in 20 damn minute for some meeting. Actually, without having to white font or stuff, I gotta report that I have existed my own demon that made me trying to hate things and fail myself. So, I guess when I mentioned that when she waited for me, it didn't mean anything further. Also, conversation wise, she showed no interest or no wish to look at my horrid face for today.
Now here, I can intepret these observations as "maybe she was....." just to make myself feel better (most likely what would had happened) or I could just say, we are done, fulls to the stop. From all these, I realized that I all need was physical comfort, and that my foul soul would do just about anything to get to that. I'm nothing but a terrible person though. I would amplify any actions of friendliness into affection just to flatter myself and makes me forget about other things. But have I been retarded that this was the thing that led me to my doom the last time. Have I not forgotten about the 1st blog creature? It was exactly the same thing. All the friendly friendly gesture have been made into something "extra-ordinary" in which gave me the reason to dream for another day. Yet I never analyze the fact that I was used like how she would have used others as. Well... except for that one particular moment when she used my shoulder and slept on me. She rejected me once, and yet she does that, making me thought that I have not yet done with my destiny. I would have been so much more happier if I would have known about what happened during those occasion. Why would I actually fall into such a fake emotion like how I am today. Have I not grown enough? Why did I have to get into this stage and play this heart tearing play anyway?
Now here, I can intepret these observations as "maybe she was....." just to make myself feel better (most likely what would had happened) or I could just say, we are done, fulls to the stop. From all these, I realized that I all need was physical comfort, and that my foul soul would do just about anything to get to that. I'm nothing but a terrible person though. I would amplify any actions of friendliness into affection just to flatter myself and makes me forget about other things. But have I been retarded that this was the thing that led me to my doom the last time. Have I not forgotten about the 1st blog creature? It was exactly the same thing. All the friendly friendly gesture have been made into something "extra-ordinary" in which gave me the reason to dream for another day. Yet I never analyze the fact that I was used like how she would have used others as. Well... except for that one particular moment when she used my shoulder and slept on me. She rejected me once, and yet she does that, making me thought that I have not yet done with my destiny. I would have been so much more happier if I would have known about what happened during those occasion. Why would I actually fall into such a fake emotion like how I am today. Have I not grown enough? Why did I have to get into this stage and play this heart tearing play anyway?
Here is why. Dream. Dreams are the one that led me to what I had today and what I had on that particular woman. Dreams are so real that no matter how hard I tried to lucid whatever the "reality" was, I never succeeded. I know all the item placement in the room, and behavior of certain people, yet when I'm at this dream world, I failed to notice the differences and would just play along with the fake world. How disgusting is that? I play along in the world of fake, and bring the emotion away from the dream, making me a person who gained experiences from fake world, as well as the real world. Therefore, what I am today, is most likely <50> fake. I can't determine how fake I am today, therefore it is either more or less than 50. How can I tell? Number 1, I cannot differentiate dreams and reality when I in the world of dreams. So how can I tell if what had shaped me today is mainly on the real world experience or the fake world experience? I have faith that my memories are real, but what had shaped me, might be of my dream. Is this why though? Are the "normal" people in this world able to not bring their emotion along with them after they wake up? For that, mentally retarded people, like me, gained experiences from the fake world?
Have I not ever questioned such possibility. Only when I question myself, would it make sense. Now then, I have to go soon, so therefore I have to end this fucking dilemma. So, goodluck understanding if your life decision had come from the fake world or the real world. \
Fake World
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