Sundome

 I'm kindda always try to tell myself to write up something so the future retired senile old me will have something to get entertained by his younger, larger peepee sizer, self. 

I don't know if this is entertaining or what but I do have some few words to write on. Ever since in elementary school, I never once earn a trophy or award like other siblings or cousins and dogs do. I never saw myself as one with potential due to my self-esteem being crushed into the pieces every time my mom says something. Not that I resend her in anyways, though I see it as the price to pay to get to where I am now. Back to the topic, I just never once felt like one of the progressing kids. I never got awarded and appreciated, even when I got straight As in my IGCSE exam (compared to my diversity of grades I got before the said exam of A-E). Is funny that the education system always praises the top students but the lower ones are nearly non-existent. Though "progressive" awards were given, but it only is given to the top 3 who have progressed. Doesn't matter if you progressed a lot slowly, all it matters is if you are able to progress more in a given short period of time and progress better than others. Doesn't matter either if you slowly becoming a successful person by the end of the school's program because you no longer a student of the school. Even though I myself notice my progress, it was not good enough to be seen by the community.

Next, it comes to the most painful memory, the cum laude that I lost. I won't go too in depth but it is due to the fact that a omega-prime-sigma grandma who actually have a nice house by the lake that degrades my semester by having to only drop the bomb when it is TOO LATE and not having to talk to me about it on any prior occasion. In summary, I follow my mentor (like I FOLLOW FOLLOW because I had no idea what it is meant to be an undergraduate researcher), and it happens that she doesn't like what I became and decide to kick me of the workplace due to the fact that I followed a mentor that she doesn't seem to enjoy working with either (I actually don't know about the last part as much, but I do assume she wants a new change after his graduation). To me, back then the small research was my everything. I was naive and dumb and shit that I thought I was at the end of the line, without knowing there's better places and researches out there for me and I wasn't running out of time or anything. But regardless, she had to tell me that right before my final exam week, which crippled me and shit. That was the worst semester I have performed and lowered my grade away from cum laude. Had it not for her I'd win mine. To me that was a huge thing to obtain, since my most esteemed cousin had it and was given the recognition throughout the family. Not that I want to shove things up their faces with mine, but I just want to show that I am not always that dumbass they know since along time ago. I was so close to obtaining the award, yet it pains me that I lost it due to some dumbass mentoring.. I never yearn to show off my greatness, I just want to show my extended family that even I, the kid who  was ridiculed in the family, can still achieve greatness. Without it, I felt a little empty. Passing my bachelors meant nothing to me as that's what everyone else could do too. The feeling of nearly getting that recognition is just unbearable to me at times. 

Then the next is the school application, where I got waitlisted for Harvard. This one least pain me, but still, although I feel good that I still got waitlisted into Harvard, it still pains me that I didn't get in there. Though being in Boston University still makes me feel happy.

Lastly was the recent shenanigan. I got into the university, and with the greatest luck (or so I thought), I got into one of the best lab or richest lab in the campus. And the project was the greatest too, it being the generation of a new method to sequence protein in intact cells. This, is the next thing to mass-spec. Being in a project of this high level caliber (and even nobel-price worthy by many people who knew about this project), I gave all I got to impress them during my trial moment so that they will welcome me to the group. There I was able to win everyone's heart and actually made myself being their top candidate. While the trial period was over and I had to try other labs (is just part of the program called rotations), I dreamt this being the thing: The thing that will make me one of the greatest out there. The thing or factor that will help to inform the future high/middle schoolers that you don't need to be highly recognized all the time i.e. winning awards to actually be successful and have a good future, and best of all, contributing to the better of humanity in a huge way. With that all said, of course, the bad news has to come. 1 week before I was able to finally start my grand research, I was given the news that the professor had decided to move to other institute in Oregon (a place that happens to be the one that I wouldn't want to spend my PhD life in, story will be another day or lifetime)... Essentially,  after all that dreaming of being above, it was taken away by a highly NOT-EXPECTED FACTOR, even the people who had been working there for years never knew this was coming, hence to emphasize the sudden news of my professor's moving out of state. It was the most destructive news of the year. Yet again my ambition was robbed away from me. Is it wrong for me to be up there, and later lectures the future generation that not being in the top 5 of the class doesn't affect your future to be a great person? I guess it may very well be. I am destined for a low profile life. Perhaps of course it may be not. But it is the fact that I am always close to get that Achievement is the one that pisses me off all the time. So close yet in the end it is taken away by known or entirely RANDOM factor.

Of course I am not in the end of the line here. Though I may be broken, I have not given up things yet. Though I am going to commit myself into a smaller of caliber project, I will still spice it up and try my best to achieve the greatest. One word in the meeting with the previously said professor, he told me that "the limit of my ambition/project is not the wall of the lab." A very simple statement, yet easily tells me that regardless I am moving to work with a different supervisor with a different project of caliber, I can always make it better or higher caliber if I want to. Of course I will take that statement. I'll do my best to make my project to be extra greatest by even maybe collaborate with people in MIT or Harvard because that's what my current supervisor seem to be able to do as well. But of course with the given theme of my life so far, sundome, I do have to always expect the worst all the time and be prepared for it. Maybe or maybe not I will achieve the greatest and later reach back to the future generations that placement of yourself in elementary/high school doesn't matter, as what's matter, and it really is, is what you do later in life. I honestly just want to motivate kids who used to be like me, down and low, with stupid awards and class placement being the thing that I know being "great." Of course you, who gained alot of god-tier grades would say the same thing, but you don't know what it meant to be in the lower side of the class. Is just like capitalism, you top people can always try to help, but eventually if you have to give away yourself for the better of others, you won't; maybe some small relief help, but you'll still hoard alot of that cash up your bank for luxurious life. Or maybe you will. Though you can go give talks to other smarter kids to encourage them to be more ambitious and what-not, I have, more like is the only thing I can do, is to encourage the "less brighter" kids out there. I can do that because I was not the greatest in class, like I scored 6/40 for one of the maths class quiz? If you give speech to these kids, it would just be the same as what I got when I was younger too, listening to top tier student making their, to me, a senseless speech that would only target the smarter ends of the student and not the less brighter ones. I want to be the one that targets the other end of spectrum kids, but will fate let me do it? Or I am permanently in sundome? 

Sundome