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 Hi! I bet you, my one million followers, suddenly dropped your things, be it your work, date, and any tax related obligations because your papa here posted a blog... AFTER TWO YEARS! Hell YEA! And what's up? Basically many thing has passed, but obviously I ain't typing all of that here now... Don't be sad! One day I'll update the important things here as it belong in this channel. I am sorry that this post isn't what you wanted. I know the notification you had from the notification ping made your heart jump, muscles jitter, prostate weak and bladder full to bursting. However it will come a day those will be paid off! Just not today, and maybe someday when I post, unless I totally forgot about it, or I lost my memory before I get the chance to write and post them!

Ok ok here's the deal today. I decided to put up the 4th installment to this hyper successful blog, Season 4: Reunion! The deal is that this will be more of a... French study update! YAY! FUN! Much MORE BORING TO WHAT I ALREADY HAD TO OFFER IN THIS CHANNEL!!!! Anyway it really is just that, so have fun reading it. 

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To you, whom my subconcious desires

 Uhhhh it's really been like forever since I last update. I've always told myself that everytime I am in a plane or somewhere travelling long hours, I'd atleast update something. Well out of the 100 hours of flying across the fucking world, like litereally flying through the Atlantic/Europe/Arab route to home and through the pacific, I literally have never had that one desire to write something for this forgotten blog. Like who the heck even reads this to be honest?

Regardless, currently I am actually writing in the train, Amtrak, from NY to Boston, after submitting my passport for Canada visitor visa (which I am stressing the fuck off right now, fearing it will get lost in transit because they dumbfuck don't allow on-site pickup, which is LITERALLY THE SAFEST OPTION). Either case, the train is bumpy interestingly and full due to the plane outage from the Windows 11 bullshit crashing worldwide. 

Eithercase, that's not what I want to write here. Something have been haunting my subconsciousness for the past years. The very entity that I been haunted by occasionally is you, Nat. Not like it is everyday nor everyweek, but suffice to say enough times that it sometime makes me wonder if I ever give a fuck about you. Well clearly something about me is still very much still... curious about you, to the point I have hyper vivid dreams about you, and only you, out of other classmates back in lodge. Ok sometimes is still Nia, but very rarely and also not as vivid nor impactful as what I have for you.

Well these dreams are not... in anyways negative. Is really about me dreaming to know more about you. Is really like me and you sit at a bar and discuss life kind of a vibe. I ask myself why actually. Being the one of the naturally smartest kid in the class, what is it that goes through your mind during those times I ask. Why did you study hard? What makes you? What stopped you being like other girls?

*as i am typing the train is passing through a field that does seem to have a potential for motivational speech/quote, but unfortunately I know those field are just field grass and don't mean a shit other than it is a field of grass. maybe because the sun has set and it just looks dull idk. also why the fak is the train moving so damn fast in turns?*

I often question myself. Why did I never honestly just ask any of these to you myself? I mean the answer is probably I was shy back then and I tried to be someone I am not for the longest time. By being myself now, I've reached goals that some people won't even be able to do. Like first author publications in a good tier journal before PhD? Either case, I've noticed that if I were myself then, would I've been able to learn more from you then? You are just this enigmatic person, whom sometimes is by my side at random times of my life. For many others, I have kind of understood their nature, not their life and everything mind you. I mean it is easy to do once you deal with alot of people and seeked their stories/wisdom. Moreover after seeking my path from the basics of philosophical techniques, even you can kind of figure the general reason why certain people are like what they are. Like understand how people like Karen/Amy/Nia/etc. did what they did seem to be straightforward after a couple of months of self question, but you? Years it has been and I am still stuck in this void of a character you left me with. Did I not read enough books? Did not think hard enough? Or...did I just never get to see your true self?..Or better yet.. never know when you are actually on your true self or faking it. Well how would I know though? 

I remember some events in high school that happened to you that still sticks to me for questioning. For when you cry that time and leaving us guessing because you were also laughing, what was on your mind? When you got scolded in the library by Mdm Chew because you were playing with Sab, what ran across your mind? When you were the prefect president, what was in your mind? When you decide to read what I wrote for other people's magazine, why? When you heard that I decided to join your group for music project to dance, what came in your mind? What came in your mind when I was desperately sending you signs that I liked you? What did you think of me as even? What kind of creature did you see in me?

To fake it till you make it is a very strong mentality to survive in this harsh world. It took me years to really understood its value. The value of overselling and trying to make fake impressions to your surroundings. To create the scenario you wish. So tell me... did you already know that by then? Well of course I wouldn't know, and probably every will unless I go down to koala land myself. Being a researched myself is definitely one of the major fuels my curiosity and always question things that I couldn't answer. I know I am jumping here and there, but importantly, did you know how to live in this harsh world from the get go?

How about now? How did you get to where you are now? Is this the product of you being yourself the entire time? Are you... happy? How successful are you marking yourself now? How is, the person I admire when I was young faring in this adult world? What wisdom do you have that you can share?

From here on are what I am writing in the assumption that you indeed have gone through your path and gets to where you wished.

Being an engineer, clearly not something I expected but regardless very cool, and I assume it is your dream job, or atleast anything close to that (I am well aware that dream job is hard af). All your instagram post shows your smile, which ofcourse, seems real. or is it?  Seeing you landing a good job and being able to enjoy life is really what I wished to achieve in life as well. You still are, what drives the motivation in me. Have I gone through free diving? Going scuba and stuffs? Well I don't... but cause I haven't feel like I am there yet. I am still in the phase of "working my ass off" but one day, I want to enjoy my life like you are doing now. 

Since young, I always envision you being the role model, and it has been since. I just hope that stupid factors like government paperwork lost or some fake accusation would not happen in life that ruins me completely. But then again, even if shits don't go well I assume there's always other ways.... copium.

So to you in how many ever years if you ever stumble to this blog and ever read what I posted. Have I already reached out to you regarding life then? Have I already approached you to ask the following mysteries that I have bottled up in me? Have I sat in a bar with you discussing life? Have I already made peace with this question? Have I actually enjoying life like you are? Am I there to enjoy life with my role model (like just adventuring outdoors lol)? 

But then again. Are you as what you are posted in social media?

To you, whom my subconcious desires

Allegreto Allegro

 Maturity is something almost all of us Asian kids are hammered with when we grow up. But there's always a thing that I always question since long ago: what is maturity?

That began when people I was compared to in the family for being mature began to show attitudes that I would see as "off." There's a cousin I have that always win awards, acts very adult and etc and needless to say he was my parent's perfect kid. I was told a few times that I used to admire the trophies that he brought home, but I myself never aim, neither cared for, getting one for myself. He was the perfect kid until there was a moment where he let go of his chance to be Australian to go to Singapore for the girl he was in love with , but eventually broke up. That went against one of what my mom told me as "what it meant to be mature" which is to care for future and not some puppy love. And slowly I began to open my eyes, the people she used to compared me with began, one by one, showing their "immature" side and when I asked I should be like that just because they were my examples of what "mature" supposed to be, I was told, obviously, not to follow. 

I also began understanding more of the other cousins in the capital when I escorted my grandma there to live with them. The image of "mature" people keep tumbling down ever the day passes. Especially the aunt/uncles I met there, I learned their methodology of life is simply... to survive rather than enjoying life. Is that what it meant to be mature? They screamed at their kids and even calling them dogs at times (yea here's a diversion story: so she was bought a dog from her friends, which she couldn't have because her parents (my aunt) didn't allow it. I was funny because you should never give your friend a pet, if their family doesn't allow it lmao, pets are family thing, not a personal thing in the end of the day. So she didn't talk to her mom as much due to how she overreacts all the time, and this case was quite bad because she was supposed to get something done for school. But she clearly didn't say anything till the last minute, which leads her to just spend her time with her dog for some reason. Needless to she my aunt was mad and she screamed at her and called her "just become a dog instead if you want to spend your time with your dog.") And she was also the same cousin that my mom said infront of myself that I was immature and delayed my semester to start college just for my wife, Mrs. Udang di Balik Batu (that part of the story was stated in a post in 2nd Season blog). I was at that time, already had doubts on what it meant to be mature in Asian culture, hence I began to make my own choices without outside interference.

There are much more to that ofcourse. Being mature apparently is to be able to apply for colleges by myself apparently, which I did and wasn't getting much praised for. Being mature is also being able to clean up after oneself and being able to be independent. Which, though the cleanliness is always an issue for me, atleast my home isn't the Atlantic garbage patch and able to live away from those I love without much issues. Being mature is to be able to get good scores and be able to talk about the world and have big general knowledge, which I know I was lacking before, but now I have it most than many. Being mature, is to not watch animations/cartoons but watch news, which probably all of you probably have heard once in your life. Last but not least, being mature was apparently to be able to speak "smartly" and be "arrogant" at a young age.

Let's talk about the latter most subject. I always told, or even notice it myself, that girls mature faster than most boys. Of course there are mature boys too, but really less common. Here then I looked back into my childhood times and compared myself to the people that were deemed "mature" in asian culture. I learned that they indeed are acting like an adult, but with once catch, they seem to stop learning to be better at younger age too. I was conisdered the one of the kids that matured late. And in the definition, being arrongant was stated, but in a way that we stand up for our own views/believes in a young age. Which is good to have, but also a double edge sword, since I notice they tend to grow into an ignorant person who thinks they are right and rarely reflects upon themselves and learn to be better. They seem to take what they know at young age, persumably because others kept telling them they are mature or something, which made them think they are right from the young age. Let's face it, we all are dumb as fuck when we are young. Sure you can give me an exception for some people, but in general most of us are not set on the right path since we are a kid. I was lucky to grow with people deemed immature and learned one aspect of life that I always enjoy: freedom with discipline. I know my value, I am willing to learn to be better and I know that there are things outside of being "mature." This is what I noticed long ago too, that the "immature" people tend to question things and the "mature" ones tend to take things as they are. This is of course different in Western world, which I notice, but can't say for sure if my current deduction is right.

The one of the kids I know to be "mature" in standard of Asian culture is doing PhD as I am now, worst yet, I already published more than her in a better journals too. And there's another that would also be seen as my level of immature, but he's a vet now. So there's this clear illusion of maturity in our culture. It is 1) the act of taking the positives of one person and ignore their negative sides and 2) the illusion of one perfect person. I know we should always take the positives of someone but, in the end they should just be an example of a person living their life, not an example to become. Only until recently my parents deemed me mature, but clearly I wasn't like the ones they used to compare me to. Some of them have gone to live not as successful as mine or more successful because of their parents' connection. I forged my own path, strayed away from the illusion of maturity at early age and needless to say I am thankful that I was mature myself to know how to pick choices based on logical observation, rather than following a dead end stereotype life.

So what it meant to be mature on my side, is to know the choices that I picked are based on rational/logical/ choices that are REALLY logically thought of, and not emotionally driven. This was something that I knew I had to try back then, it may had not worked, but somewhere in life I have to risk and follow my believe system. Ofcourse to make decision that are not driven by emotion is something that I had to learn in pain from trying to get that girl from the first blog. Remembering it makes me cringe to how I became someone I am not in order to impress others. That experience indeed helped out after reflecting upon it. I guess I have to say thank you Nia for making me a better person (also thank you for saying "You'll get a better girl than I am" cause I definitely did). Since then, what I invested in had always been so far either modestly good or excellent to get to where I am here. I had ofcourse suffer the pain of being looked down by my family members, but now they know that since a long time ago, I already had it in me: to be mature in my own way. It doesn't matter that I have a few flaws, as long as I they don't risk my future, harm/hurt others, disappoint others and my life then it is ok since I can't, and no one can, be perfect.

Be better, but don't be butter, that's all I am saying.

ABRSM 2011: Allegreto

Well now I am just waiting for time to pass so I can go to Gyu kaku with senpai before he leaves to Japan.

It is always well sit in my life that whenever I do something out of the ordinary in my daily life, chaos ensures and usually is not the positive,and neither negative type. Am here I am just writing to remember my Summer of 2022.

It was the year that determines my fate in the US. That's right the Visa renewal bullshit where you have to leave the country and risk not coming back here~ The application itself was already stressful for me, being perfectionist and try to make sure all is right in the application, with any minor issues would alarm me; and needless to say most of them was just being dumb ass paranoid and definitely wouldn't contribute to pain.

First of, I had to change program when I applied for visa. Wow, what are the odds I changed during the most important part of the application. What happens if I change and then the interviewer be asking why and shit.Why change my program, am I incapable, yadi yadi yadah that is dumb. It was surprising that I was able to get the program people to expedite my request, which happens a week right before I had to submit the application. And the week before I left, I got my first time car accident in Boston. What's more? One of our lab mate was denied visa from peru because he couldn't hear the interviewer due to his hearing problem, and the interviewer rejected him by thinking his english sucks. Bruh he even got to like top US school? Like why interviewers are so retarded? Very nice to think about these, considering I was already in a negative state of mind. I mean imagine: what if I can't come back? Where do I even go? I don't like working in Asia, and other countries may see my US visa rejection as a deterrent for future visa opportunities. Like the country made things so dumb that my fate could be sealed easily.

Then on the interview itself, dear me, a very new person. That guy doesn't even know that permit for stay and visa for entry is 2 separate things and thought I was deported for extended stay. I was bombarded with "did the police catch you?" shit, like can't you just ask me if I got deported instead? Like just jump to the conclusion and not beating around the bush question. Luckily I mentioned that I have always worked with my DSO to keep my legal stay and he decided to check with his advisor and was able to confirm I was not in the wrong doing. Man that guy gave me the creep for the rest of the week.

I was then having to make decisions on to stay or to choose to fly to Malaysia to see Johan. I had such a chaotic week considering it was my holiday. It was painful because I finally learned the importance of family, but also forced to pick a side in the end. Even the trip in Malaysia wasn't as great as I felt like I was doing chore to make people happy than actually enjoying myself. Like I do work in the house, having to keep wifey happy, like I felt I wasn't good enough. Sure sure I was treated like a family, but No, that's not what I wanted. I wanted to have a blissful break, not having me there like I have always been there. Like care for cat? Why? Clean house? Well sure since I am guest I should clean up after myself, but not I clean the whole house for cry out loud. I felt like it wasn't rewarding, considering that I paid alot for the travels myself, and having to risk my future to see Johan, I genuinely did not feel like it was paid of. Which made me having to admit something here: I was nervous about having to visit Johan at 2022 December. Do I have to go home to serve other people? I am going back to do "chores" in a way that I am just making things up because I did not visit since forever? I am paying a communal service here? And all honestly I was glad that I am not going back this December as I truly do not know if I would enjoy the trip or not.  Do I miss her? Yes, but I do not want to waste my time to serve others nor am I there to work to make people happy. I didn't mean to go all selfish mode to be a prince, but can't a man get an actual rest from all these shits he had to undergo to go back and visit? 

Yea IDK. Here I am blissfully enjoying the moment by myself and my gaming people. Perhaps I just like this zen of just not having to think alot... while knowing things can't go like this forever as I have to shape my destiny to be a citizen here.

At this point I am just ranting than anything.

ABRSM 2011: Allegreto

I genuinely forgot to post this.

 I worked with Dr. Ruohola-Baker for 3 years (1st year as an undergraduate, and 2 years as a post-bachelor employee), and she was the mentor that sharpened me into a scientist. She has a very strong will and motivation to do good science, and to my understanding, she obtained this by persevering through tough times as a female scientist during the 80s-90s. 

The thing is, I did not learn to be a scientist from her via a smooth road, it was rather by a very strict way. Although unintentional, most of us from the lab, including me, learned to be a better scientist from her via the fear factor. For instance if we did not do experiments well, we would be questioned very seriously of our method, and if we did not present well in the meeting, we would be placed onto spotlight. To top that, her standard is very high in regards to presenting and thinking scientifically. I have to say, not many students were able to stay with her for too long, however, I did persevered through it and became one of the lab's core member. To be who I am today, I had to change from a very quiet person into a more of an active person (in a way that I would speak up to what I have questions/concerns of or immediately reach out to anyone whenever I have problem), which is a core necessity to be a good scientist. And via the rough way of how she taught me to do good science (building hypothesis, designing an experiment and writing a scientific literature), I was sharpened very much that I was ready to be a graduate student. And the fact that the things that I have been doing today are going very smooth is all thanks to her mentoring skills.

As much as I liked who I became now, I did not like what I went through and I understood that her methodology of teaching/mentoring would not apply well to most of the current generations (or any). I learned, however, to teach others in a better way. Dr. Ruohola-Baker gave me the opportunities to work with many undergraduates, and that gave me the experience of how to properly mentor a student. I learned that students can be made into a great scientist without having to experience any fear-factor by passionately and patiently guiding the students slowly throughout their development. With a balance of seriousness, introducing humor during research is vitally necessary to make the lab environment less stressful and would make them more engaged in the project. Overall, a happy setting would generate a productive environment. 

I genuinely forgot to post this. 

Lasting Memories

Hold it hold it, before you scroll further up or down, do you recognize some of these things here: 

There seem to be a trend in me that I tend to dream about the people from high school. A beautiful memory where all I did was to fool around and enjoy life before we all move on. I am lucky that I am able to get to where I am now without having to sacrifice much of my high school life to be the slave of marking scheme. Well I did at the end, but not for the majority of my school life. Some days I dream about some people I don't mingle as much with, some days, or most days, I dream about him. The very one guy name Sheldon. 

We met when I first came to Kuching. At first I had to survive and be an ass by following the trend of bully. Yes, I was a dipshit when I was at that age. Just a kid that causes chaos that I was not proud of. He had to be the target for the first few months. But as I notice him more, the more peculiar that guy became. He wandered alone, and does things that the normal kids don't. That definition of chaos in him was what switched my side into his. I embrace neutral chaos and his is truly at the level of my interest. I quit doing shits to tease him after the negative influencers decided to let me be. I like that he was able to keep up with his smile and jokes and chaos even under high pressure of bully. I can't stop it because I was mostly neutral in the classroom and not really supporting anyone in particular. 

During elementary school, I don't really consider us being close, yet I felt the opposite too. We tend to look play together and joke around and that was it, I wasn't able to digest that he was a friend, but deep inside he was already part of me. As ended our elementary school, I remember that one moment, where he hugged me infront of his parents and our classroom. It was the very moment I understood he felt something that's more than I ever realized on me. 

Came the high school moment. We were in the same class, which was epic and all. Although I ended up being with more of the cool kids side, I was also at the same time on his side of the group. That was the moment, where the romance me got the better of me. The most childish thing ever: focusing on romance and throwing away bros. I failed miserably on both sides, as I could have spent more time with him, at the same time being myself and not trying to be someone else while being with the cool kids group. It was disgusting but definitely not the end of my idiocy. Throughout however, I never completely abandon him. Though, I would probably could have spent more time with him, had it not my stupidity taken over. Honestly, till the end of high school, all was well, and I could have end things there and everything would not have been as bad as today.

Now came the A-level period, where all shit goes down. The early period was about the 3rd girl I referred to in the last last blog. I was depressed and shit from romance that I isolated myself. He lost his dad a year before this, but I believe it was also the issue that I wasn't able to address properly. He felt kicked out and that's when he distanced himself from me. I felt alienated and I had to use the rough words to actually fixed the situation then. Looking back at the message, I definitely was an asshole. Then came the second romance with the girl I am with now. This was also the time... where I lost myself to be someone that is unappreciative and retarded in general. I kept him away from my circle because of how I felt annoyed by him becoming more clingy onto me. I hated anyone being clingy on me, even my girlfriend. I always felt he kept invading my bubble and made me uncomfortable. In addition to the pain I got from the 3rd girl, he also became very touchy on me, which made me extra discomfort. though I agree I let him touch me in the most retarded way possible before, but due to the situation, I wasn't able to. At times when he came to me, giving hospitality, that I believe was the moment he lost his chaos that I embraced. He became more dependent on me and that was something that deterred me. I wonder if it is all Kenny's fault that made him like that but all in all, he grew his dependence with me until to the point I felt uncomfortable.  

I knew that all along, he wanted me to be closer to me, it was the methodology he utilized that made me feel... not enjoy. I loved his past self of being independent and laugh at shits that I find extremely chaotic for the majority of the society, but it seemed that was not a thing anymore at that time. 

All these years, the dream I have is always about him when it comes to childhood memories. He gave me the experiences that I wished I could feel again. I don't believe in the "it's too late" mentality, but rather, "when's the right time?" is more appropriate to ask for apologies. Though even if I could, would he even take my hand? He wrote to me in his "divorce letter" that he want me to forget him, but at the same time, looking at the sky to remember him at times. Well, sadly he can't be forgotten, neither can I move on completely without apologizing for my retardedness. 

Even if I do, how? Has he moved house? His social medias are mostly deleted, so how to contact him? Has he moved on hating me and trying not to associate with me anymore? I have always known his past self that he would probably forgive and forget, but with his newer attitude... That I don't know. It's been years since that too, so is like the one I met, or the one I left? I do think that apologizes are in order, and again I don't know how and when. 

If there was a regret in my high school, is not to spend more time with him. Though life is still long (hopefully) perhaps I can make that happen again sometime in future... experiencing the retarded life we had back in high school and forget everything else that's happening on earth. 

I could still remember the stupid things you said and did that brighten my school life. If you are reading this. I hope at least you know that I'd like to amend for everything. It's been years since, and I have learned all my mistakes, and for any mistakes to come: we'll face it together pragmatically because I know, regardless of who you are now, being logical is still part of you.  

Lasting Memories

Sundome

 I'm kindda always try to tell myself to write up something so the future retired senile old me will have something to get entertained by his younger, larger peepee sizer, self. 

I don't know if this is entertaining or what but I do have some few words to write on. Ever since in elementary school, I never once earn a trophy or award like other siblings or cousins and dogs do. I never saw myself as one with potential due to my self-esteem being crushed into the pieces every time my mom says something. Not that I resend her in anyways, though I see it as the price to pay to get to where I am now. Back to the topic, I just never once felt like one of the progressing kids. I never got awarded and appreciated, even when I got straight As in my IGCSE exam (compared to my diversity of grades I got before the said exam of A-E). Is funny that the education system always praises the top students but the lower ones are nearly non-existent. Though "progressive" awards were given, but it only is given to the top 3 who have progressed. Doesn't matter if you progressed a lot slowly, all it matters is if you are able to progress more in a given short period of time and progress better than others. Doesn't matter either if you slowly becoming a successful person by the end of the school's program because you no longer a student of the school. Even though I myself notice my progress, it was not good enough to be seen by the community.

Next, it comes to the most painful memory, the cum laude that I lost. I won't go too in depth but it is due to the fact that a omega-prime-sigma grandma who actually have a nice house by the lake that degrades my semester by having to only drop the bomb when it is TOO LATE and not having to talk to me about it on any prior occasion. In summary, I follow my mentor (like I FOLLOW FOLLOW because I had no idea what it is meant to be an undergraduate researcher), and it happens that she doesn't like what I became and decide to kick me of the workplace due to the fact that I followed a mentor that she doesn't seem to enjoy working with either (I actually don't know about the last part as much, but I do assume she wants a new change after his graduation). To me, back then the small research was my everything. I was naive and dumb and shit that I thought I was at the end of the line, without knowing there's better places and researches out there for me and I wasn't running out of time or anything. But regardless, she had to tell me that right before my final exam week, which crippled me and shit. That was the worst semester I have performed and lowered my grade away from cum laude. Had it not for her I'd win mine. To me that was a huge thing to obtain, since my most esteemed cousin had it and was given the recognition throughout the family. Not that I want to shove things up their faces with mine, but I just want to show that I am not always that dumbass they know since along time ago. I was so close to obtaining the award, yet it pains me that I lost it due to some dumbass mentoring.. I never yearn to show off my greatness, I just want to show my extended family that even I, the kid who  was ridiculed in the family, can still achieve greatness. Without it, I felt a little empty. Passing my bachelors meant nothing to me as that's what everyone else could do too. The feeling of nearly getting that recognition is just unbearable to me at times. 

Then the next is the school application, where I got waitlisted for Harvard. This one least pain me, but still, although I feel good that I still got waitlisted into Harvard, it still pains me that I didn't get in there. Though being in Boston University still makes me feel happy.

Lastly was the recent shenanigan. I got into the university, and with the greatest luck (or so I thought), I got into one of the best lab or richest lab in the campus. And the project was the greatest too, it being the generation of a new method to sequence protein in intact cells. This, is the next thing to mass-spec. Being in a project of this high level caliber (and even nobel-price worthy by many people who knew about this project), I gave all I got to impress them during my trial moment so that they will welcome me to the group. There I was able to win everyone's heart and actually made myself being their top candidate. While the trial period was over and I had to try other labs (is just part of the program called rotations), I dreamt this being the thing: The thing that will make me one of the greatest out there. The thing or factor that will help to inform the future high/middle schoolers that you don't need to be highly recognized all the time i.e. winning awards to actually be successful and have a good future, and best of all, contributing to the better of humanity in a huge way. With that all said, of course, the bad news has to come. 1 week before I was able to finally start my grand research, I was given the news that the professor had decided to move to other institute in Oregon (a place that happens to be the one that I wouldn't want to spend my PhD life in, story will be another day or lifetime)... Essentially,  after all that dreaming of being above, it was taken away by a highly NOT-EXPECTED FACTOR, even the people who had been working there for years never knew this was coming, hence to emphasize the sudden news of my professor's moving out of state. It was the most destructive news of the year. Yet again my ambition was robbed away from me. Is it wrong for me to be up there, and later lectures the future generation that not being in the top 5 of the class doesn't affect your future to be a great person? I guess it may very well be. I am destined for a low profile life. Perhaps of course it may be not. But it is the fact that I am always close to get that Achievement is the one that pisses me off all the time. So close yet in the end it is taken away by known or entirely RANDOM factor.

Of course I am not in the end of the line here. Though I may be broken, I have not given up things yet. Though I am going to commit myself into a smaller of caliber project, I will still spice it up and try my best to achieve the greatest. One word in the meeting with the previously said professor, he told me that "the limit of my ambition/project is not the wall of the lab." A very simple statement, yet easily tells me that regardless I am moving to work with a different supervisor with a different project of caliber, I can always make it better or higher caliber if I want to. Of course I will take that statement. I'll do my best to make my project to be extra greatest by even maybe collaborate with people in MIT or Harvard because that's what my current supervisor seem to be able to do as well. But of course with the given theme of my life so far, sundome, I do have to always expect the worst all the time and be prepared for it. Maybe or maybe not I will achieve the greatest and later reach back to the future generations that placement of yourself in elementary/high school doesn't matter, as what's matter, and it really is, is what you do later in life. I honestly just want to motivate kids who used to be like me, down and low, with stupid awards and class placement being the thing that I know being "great." Of course you, who gained alot of god-tier grades would say the same thing, but you don't know what it meant to be in the lower side of the class. Is just like capitalism, you top people can always try to help, but eventually if you have to give away yourself for the better of others, you won't; maybe some small relief help, but you'll still hoard alot of that cash up your bank for luxurious life. Or maybe you will. Though you can go give talks to other smarter kids to encourage them to be more ambitious and what-not, I have, more like is the only thing I can do, is to encourage the "less brighter" kids out there. I can do that because I was not the greatest in class, like I scored 6/40 for one of the maths class quiz? If you give speech to these kids, it would just be the same as what I got when I was younger too, listening to top tier student making their, to me, a senseless speech that would only target the smarter ends of the student and not the less brighter ones. I want to be the one that targets the other end of spectrum kids, but will fate let me do it? Or I am permanently in sundome? 

Sundome

Just general update

 With all the useless post I posted, I forgot to mention that I actually ended up in Boston University where my senpai is. It's kind of neat that I atleast get into a PhD program and not staying in a "particular place" for another year.

So far the school has been nice and I learned that students that goes to Harvard (maybe MIT) have a much stressful life that includes a longer PhD time of about 6-7 years, unlike my school of 5-6 years graduation. Thank god that I didn't end up in a place that would make me not having a life for another 6-7 years. And I must say I got pretty lucky here too.

When I first got here, I wasn't sure when and which professors to contact with in order to get into the lab that I want to spend my 5-6 years in. There's a roomate, who is in a particularly great lab which I was hoping to get in but hadn't had the belief that I could get in (as the lab is one of the top star choices in the department). Being a pushy guy he is, he actually pushed me to email the professor ASAP, even before the school began. At first I was nervous and wasn't sure if I could even get any reponses, but guess what, I was accepted for the fact that I had a prior experience with a superresolution microscopy. What's more is the fact that I was also in his class for that semester, which is truly a coincidence. In the class I was able to show him my enthusiasm and my ability to ask questions regardless it is dumb question or not. And when I was in the lab, I did what I knew I must do to succeed in a lab. For 2.5 months I worked, I was able to make him proud of my initiative and enthusiasm in doing research in his lab. I did things my way and things worked out very well. It was though, tough as fuck because my mentors were undergraduate students who actually take their experience in the lab as a "job" and I am not sure how much enthusiasm they actually have in the project. I had to hear them complain, deal with their emotions and etc. which I find rather annoying to deal. If I get a undergrad, I know who to choose hehehehe. 

But after thinking about it, how did I manage to succeed based on "my way"? How did I get this knowledge? The answer is obvious... is the lab where I used to work in. Every time I get scolded, get lectured, get flamed, and etc, I thought of ways in order to avoid the same thing from happening again. And I must say, the pain I endured for 3 years came to fruition. Though I must say, after the experience here, my old boss is quite on the negative side. If you don't ask question then she might say "oh so you know more than me? Even I have questions." If you know something is not too correct but not asking the person or telling them what you think, she would also be very mad. All these, made me into a proper researcher who knows how to ask question and speak up when something is not working well. Especially the latter part that I think helped me alot during the rotation in this new lab. Also I guess the fact that his research is definitely one of the next best thing, I am also highly motivated to work in his lab. 

But even though I worked my bones off, even when I was unpaid back then, I still get contacted by the old boss just because there's a publication that my name is on. I find it rather weird. Why am I still asked to do more? Have I not done the things you asked me to do before? I didn't have weekends, holidays, heck I came during snow storm too! I remember when this first happened, like I was so scared, like driven by fear I still abide to her words even though I am across the country.  Like I was also wondered, why am I still scared of her? Then do I realize that I am traumatized rather than scared. I thought I would ever got into trauma but I see that I suffered a small/minor level of trauma from her. When she speaks and calls my name, I froze and I was in fear and my mind goes scrabbled and the only thing my brain tries to tell me to do is just to say "yes," as if I am begging for my life. Comparing this to my new boss, he's is much more pragmatic and doesn't use emotion do deal with problems, which made me more relax and easier to approach him. Unlike before, I don't have to pray to all the Gods before meeting with my current professor. I know the things to do before even the meeting, which made me very ready to meet my professor whenever meeting calls. Though it is thanks to my old boss that I am very ready for PhD, I am still not happy that I get to be this in a negative way possible. I am amazed to how far I have come and those memories in Seattle... not too pleasant, but it seriously went in a blink of an eye..

Regarding my old boss, at least now I have learned better to say no to my old boss than before. And I must admit that even this minor trauma can be very devastating, and that's of course leads to how others with bigger trauma could get by in their life. They (perhaps you) are very strong and I commend you for that. 

With that said, apparently the other person I used to work with, Julien, finally found another job. This time he really said he's going into another job, and also actually going for it, unlike the other times he told me. Of course now the problem is the first author of this paper is gone, what's next? I hope I don't get contacted anymore to be honest. But I do wish him luck in his future endeavor. 

Now, regarding my free time. I decided to run my own group in the dungeon life I mentioned in earlier posts. The new boss has arrived and the group (not team) has segregated into the ones that are geared and not geared, the geared went together to fight off the new boss, whereas the non-geared are left. This is just the downside of not being in a proper team. I could join them, but there are people who I like to play with that are not geared at all and probably won't fit into the stronger team. with the addition that there are potential people with classes that would function in a group, I decided to form my group. My team, which is made a secret, is now 2 months old and have ~13 active people. We began from doing alot of DF on the early days, and now we are nearly full Nereid and soon to Agareth. I used my knowledge from my past groups to generate a hopefully long lasting group. I haven't seen any trouble yet, and I do hope I won't land to one anytime soon. Hope we can conquer whatever tough bosses that are coming without drama. But kind of weird to think about it. I never wanted to be a leader of this group, but now I am. And from these 2 months, I actually manage to learn to manage people and stuff. Not like this simulates 100%  real life leadership, but I do say that it is a good practice since I am dealing with gamers, people who are most likely introverted and not wanting to deal with bullshit in life. This all lead to me to be more assertive, which is needed to keep this group alive. 

With that said, Imma make dinner now. Menu will be Butterfish and pork slices and your ass.

Just general update 

25 Years of raid

 One battle that I have been battling, is the demons in me. Just like in a MMO-RPG what they share in common is the bosses have different skills for attacking and we need to have our proper strategy for fighting a given boss. 

Now what is this I am saying? Everyone has their inner demon and that's a given. I don't know and don't bother looking up what people call them commonly, but it is a weakness one has in general. Do you feel like you have been giving, but never then be repaid? That to me is your inner demon working on you. You may be the one that's giving but say to yourself that it is the goodwill of God to do so. But how can you be so sure that it is not the false statement of you demon? How can one be good, but one that is also not drain one self from being to good? I am not considering creating non-profit charity or organization for helping the need falls into this cat4egory by the way; rather I am referring to one that is always giving when they themselves also don't have anything to give to one self, which also to be clear, excludes the love a parent gives. That's one example, and others are as common as prejudice related intentions, including but not limited to racism and sexism.

 One problem with the society since long ago is some people decide to take these weaknesses/demons and try to justify that they are that way and others should accept their "opinion." It gets more ridiculous for those who used this for their free speech movements and cause despair in the general population that it is helping. Fear, is a common drive to this. Fear upon the unknown is natural, however, creating one believe and justifying it as correct is just another act of stupidly, especially not trying to understand science/logic in general. 

Although I can blab on how some people can really be fixated in becoming very naive and not chaging, here, I'll list the battles and perhaps victories I have over the demon I have in me.

One thing clear, I choose to destroy the demon in me than actually justifying their presence in me.

1) Fear 

The demon fear is one that I have in me for some time of my life, which also is the common one in the major popultion. I fear the unknown and had the options to either spread the fear or to keep it in me. I could, fear things because my imagination is acting up, and I can easily tell when it happens; though calming it down is hard. Just like how some religions spread fear from their God, I for one, don't think I should fear my God. Why? Simple, I live a proper and helpful life, I am good. Others? They can worship their deity and have their own god judge them and my God don't probably give a shit about them. Why should I worship a bad idol? Another thing that makes my mind easier to process this ie because I grew up in a multi-cultural places, hence I learn that everyone with different religion can actually be good and not fearing their God, and also not telling me to convert and be worshiping their god. I actually once believed that my God is also to be feared, but upon performing "rituals" that I thought is necessary for me to get out of damnation, I learned those self-hurting rituals did not work and in fact, my life has been so much better without it. Like as if my God is telling me that there's no need for a despair to have a better luck/future. From then on, I truly have removed the fear of deity and future, as now that I look at my surrounding... where people are suffering from their own life, I must say I am grateful for me to be who am I today. 

2) Illusion of Power

Being born a male in a species that's predominantly patriarchy, I began with the most stereotype thinking ever regarding gender inequalities. However throughout my growing, I notice that not all females are weak. There are some strong ones and smarts ones than majority of the males exist in this world. It is more evident of me when I started dating. My exertion of man-power was at its upmost digesting. Why, just because I am an XY chromosome creature, I have to think that I am better? Truly grateful I have such a patient wifey that made me a better person today, and not like most males out there that's always exerting their stereotype power. But how is it they can change though? I am very lucky, but of many others, I don't know how they can change other than someone they love actually nurtures them and they are also willing to learn. 

Racism is a thing that I don't have since the get go since I grew up in a multi cultural place, so it's never in my system to defeat.

3) Revenge

I started as a person who curses and love to be in hate and drama. It was only until recently that I learned, the time I curse a person, I get it back onto me, it's like a reflect. Another is to utilize the idea of getting back for getting something bad on me. To a certain extent, it is still in me, but in general I used to think badly about someone for being not nice to me (including when I also was the one who started it) and I'd imagine ways to spread the hate and bring back to that person. But now? I learned that most of those problems that I hated and wishing for revenge for are nothing but child plays. It's almost so dumb that I'd take revenge for even someone talking shit about me. Like what, those are just words. Not like they should define me or anything. But criticism are different, those I take in with me, however those without credentials who talk as if they are smart, I usually ignore because they are probably suffering from their demons that they probably have been comfortably living with. For me, I defeat this by logic. As simple as, will those words actually affect my future? If no, don't care. If yes, probably care. But how often it is that it doesn't affect my future? I notice is 100% as of now. Ya, no one's word I remember actually would affect my future. I can still express disgust upon a person for their story, but main point I decide not to take shits personally. I filter the goods and the bad, not ignoring all, but process if the statements given to me are actually useful for my growth or not. 

4) Assumption and Fear

The demon of assumption is a scary one these days as it is the reason how pseudoscience people think. This and that correlated, and AHA it is connected. Very common in anti-vaxxers as well as flat earthers, the ones that would use highly assumption ruled works and justify their fact, with out knowing those who actually made those facts are the ones purposefully control the string to rule these people out of their caves. I have long removed this actually, since I went to the world of science and research, where I know, it is not probably controlled by the government for faking or tracking people. Also one thing out of this that I don't udnerstand, is why people are so scared in the first place of having microchips in them? Like what? A FBI gonna watch you all the time? Please Susan, no body gives a  SHIT about your life. Also if you don't do bad deeds then why fear? As if they want to see your ragged body every 30 mins. Don't.... flatter yourself please. 

5) Segregation and fear

I also grew up with the ideology of not accepting diverse sex identity as the hyper conservative place I grew up in doesn't accept them. This is also tanks to my wifey as well as being in the USA, that essentially, everyone's the same. Gay/lesbians/queer/w.e. like they all acts like normal people, so what's there to discriminate? This is of course gets defeated by exposure and logic (they act like other people, hence they are? That's right, normal people). This is actually what I hate from some countries that highly enforces law from before dark age. Like as if their civilization then is good? Some people just want to justify the power from the past in order to maintain power (which also could be driven by fear). At this point I don't know what to say other than wowing on people who are so driven by fear and decides to embrace them. 

Fighting all of these sounds like it is simple... Like yea essentially use logic right? Yea, but it is also given that emotion is stronger than your logic. Your emotion is the first key to unlock logical thinking, but certainly some people who never acknowledge their demons would not even recognize their demons and actually just think that their are correct and logical. 

In summary, I ended up a very... lax person after all these years. Not very ignorant because that is also another type of demon that I have yet to understand in me (Ignorance). Feels good though... living without prejudices and hate and segregation. 

Life... is actually good after 25 Years of raid.

Dungeon Life

 It is withou saying that I am always in love with the life of adventuring in a fantasy world. The wild idea of going into the unknown and destroy monsters to get loot and experiences is without a doubt my everyday fantasy and view of freedom. So what are my sources of fanatsy dreams? Alot actually, and every day few months I get a new anime/manga/games that would fuel new or ongoing stories I have in my head. 

But I do want to mention one RPG game that happens to be the one of the strongest ones that drives my dungeon dream from time to time. Interestingly it is just a custom map from Warcraft 3 called TWRPG. Like the chances of one getting to know this game is really low in the world as it is just, again, a custom map in a bigger game. However the community is not too small either, a few hundred in NA community, and about thousands in Korea and China community. A very unlikely source of RPG experience, but boy did I have some wild experiences in this community. 

The story began when I literally, without knowing, played the hacked map; it was called Shan RPG. At that time Warcraft 3 was my only source of RPG games and the gameplay of this custom map was very well made and I was truly awed by it. From time to time I joined the map hosted in Garena and I soon recruited my younger brother to play as well with me. I started playing as a Bowmaster with the name of 
"Chaika" really because I was super big fan of that anime back then. It is also odd that the class I always pick first in an RPG is usually a Bowmaster for whatever reason other than it is ranged unit.  I remember a few moments where I played with my brother for 30 minutes trying to take down Demon Lord Beriel because back then it was one of the harder boss to kill, and the drop rate is also very low. I also remember trapping a Summon Boss by a tree and then summon it there so it get stuck and I get to kill from far away. 

For whatever reason, I stopped playing for abit. Then I started playing again during my sophomore year during my community college life. And that was when I think Garena community was still there because it was the time that I complained about the game as that was when I just realized that Replays are important, and the one I have been playing was a hacked map. Ofcourse I was basically an unintended criminal for a little bit, but luckily I wasn't reported as a full hacker and get banned. So I created a new Bowmaster and played with a group of people before leaving the game because Ent gaming portal was down and I had no idea how to play with anyone anymore. 

Fast forward to 2 years ago, 2 weeks before Halloween. I ended up starting in Battle net where I ended up purchasing the full legit game. And that's when I get into the adventure today. I joined random lobbies, get to play with certain groups, and at times get kicked by someone named Juggy as he doesn't want random people to join his game. I still played until I ended up carrying a person we called pin alongside the people he play with. That's the beginning of me in a real group of gamers. He set up his group and I was in it and we progress and regress at times, which is of course the fun of this game. Some join as some left, and that's the nature of games. That's until I entered mii/phony group, which was apparently one of the best group in Eng community. That's all fun and shit though my progress on my Bow master was slow as fuck. It was odd because to build, the back then best Bow, the God Bow, I had to underwent suffer where Essence of Storm never drop  and I saw ~15 Aegis of storm drops before I see Essence drop (note that both Essence of Storm and Aegis of Storm has the same drop rate). I still remember that day when the drop rate for full house turned to 100% increase and I gamed with my group until 4-5am. And I also remembered that I dreamt of the item that I wanted dropped twice. It was a total nightmare, but eventually I received it from Turtle's group. Now comes the last material, Spearhead of Death. That took me months before it even drop, and the funny thing is, it dropped during the Summer event at the Volley ball, which is supposed to be much much more rare than from the normal boss itself. But that's how I finally got my then end game weapon. Later on, I was finally dragged to the then new end game boss, Agareth, and boy was it suffering as it was not an easy one to kill when we first started. 

However, like karma chameleon, things come and goes, and so do the group after a dispute over certain problem which shattered the group and ended the life. Though I wasn't around during those period (I was doing my school application), it was still sad that things like this happened. I ended up backing to the life of gacha game, which was Fate Grand Order for many months. I used up a lot of money and learned that it was very toxic for my behavior; but I still play till today anyways.

When life comes to kind of dull and boring, suddenly one of the ex member, Idol as we call him, suddenly pulled all of us together and play again. We technically are not a group, as no one is mandating a proper group set up and what not, but we just play again. This time however, I learned that I am quite bored of playing one same unit, so I decided to play another, which is Phantom Blade, due to its unique playstyle and of course, 2B skin. And that's what led to today's dungeon life. though some people betrayed to Masin, but still, I am grateful that the same people are back at it again with a new policy to prevent whatever happened before that shattered the group from ever happening again. 

Dungeon Life

Well... Perhaps?

Maybe deviating away from the previous post I want to make of, but I guess I'll just state it here. 

This week I got back from 3 of IDK amount of universities I applied has replied/respond to my application. though only UC Davis of the 3 rejected me, I made a thought about it. It said that 400 students applied for 20 spots in the university, which is literally only 5% acceptance rate ish, assuming all the applicants are equally good. what I have in mind is what about the higher end schools that I applied then? Stanford? MIT? Harvard? Like why do I dream of these schools to even consider me if they are also just like UC Davis? surely is not wrong to dream and apply, but the audacity of me to feel so special that these schools would consider me is what I have been questioning. Surely there are other applicants who are much better than me. Like performed more outreach program than me? Better grades than me? Stronger letter of recommendation than me for sure. 

What do I say all these is because lately I have been dreaming of perhaps going back to my high school and tell them that even a not-so-great-student like me, who scored 6/40 for one of his maths test is able to climb up high into a super good school in the US, in the hopes to motivate students who were just like me to start dream big from younger age. I have started to seriously thinking of guiding the future students in my home country/Kuching to their success, and don't let them feel getting straight A* is the only way to succeed. Sure, A* is a nice grade for entering good school, but it is not the only way. I want them to not feel special and such, in a way, to tell some people like my old self that they are worth in some special subject and being good in all subject doesn't mean they are 1000% successful. I truly hope to stop the younger generations from destroying their self-esteem as confidence, I learned, is the most important key to be successful. 

If there's 400 that applied to UC Davis, then what of the high grade schools that I applied to? 700? 900? 1000? Regardless, what are the odds that I am someone special in those list of students? Surely there are a crap ton of students out there who have achieved more than me, found more novel stuffs than me, or perhaps have direct relation to someone from the institution. All to say I ain't super special. Could my application really is on some stacks of ignored applicants in the office now? Perhaps awaiting for someone to take the stash and send them emails that they are rejected? 

Am I a fool who always dream big but never really achieved anything? Did I really think that I could get into those schools? Why do I have hope in the first place? 

Am I just a normal student who would only get into normal school and normal life? 

Well... Perhaps? 

Ephemeral Experiences I

 Certainly some experiences we go through may or may not last very long. At points I do think that a certain moment of my life would stay with me for years to come. But certainly the rule of life doesn't allow me to experience those.

Just like pain, good experiences would one day break down and cease to exist. I am not talking about the loss of life, but rather those "summer minecraft memory of 2010 memory" kind of thing. Yes is about gaming. For those who don't game, it is a weird thing where you met some people you don't know online, but to later spend so much time with them and actually gave you good gaming memory. Those people mostly comes and leaves without any means of you to contact them once again as they move on to play something else. But the problem is not longer that evident as something like discord would allow gamers to always connect to each other even if they have moved on to other games. 

I am writing this down because I wished I could write my past experiences together about gaming here as well, but I couldn't as the only memory I had was nothing but an imagine or short clips of those experiences. 

Let's begin with the very first memory....

Maplestory. A very fucked up game where I gave my all just to get hacked. I knew about this game because of my older brother. I went to his friend's birthday party, I think her name is Stephanie or something, where she showed him the game. I recall I said I want to try too, and she immediately told me "no, you can't play." I understood that she doesn't want everyone in the house to play her account, but fuck her and her fully pimpled face. After I got my own PC, I tried downloading it like a bazillion times just to get failed installation. Apparently the application was so senstivie that if I clicked the loading bar or do something else, it would crash. 

I began as bowmaster, with the name Kushluk, the traitorous leader in Genghis Khan's army or something. Then I remember using my whole weekend or something to play that bitch ass game to level the fuck up. Back then leveling to 30 takes about a week of gameplay (now if you have the gear and cash item, you can go to level 200 in 1 hour 30 min).  Back then grinding was such an intense shit but fun. I even remember using my own money to buy cash, but to later be accused of getting scammed and beaten up by my parents. Good memories. 

I got to level 70 after like what, half a year? But later my friend was so into my character that he helped me grind my hero with hacks, which later caused my account to be banned for 8 years (i think i should be able to play that account now since this was like 10 years ago). During those times, truly my memory of having fun is undeniable. My grinding for level and items... my times when I literally went to Free Market and ask for a GF. I got a GF and I literally added her in my Facebook. From this game, I united my classmates to play and I genuinely was so fond of those memories of being a loser and spread it to my class. Back then for what it felt like forever, had to end as maplesotry was already losing it reputation even before I graduate high school. I certainly played a lot of other private servers, which gave me the fun, but in the end it wasn't as much fun as the original maple where I played with the whole class. I played lao shu ai ta mi on repeat and from then everytime I play this song, I recalled those times in maplestory. 

During the same timeline as Maplestory, or even before (actually it is before MS), that I played Warcraft 3 custom maps. Playing in garena was one of those memories I can't forget. Sad that garena actually removed this very to quality option of playing TFE3 maps, but oh wells. Almost every other Saturdays, I went to the pregnant lady's house to play random custom maps with others from the class. DOTA was one of those, but I quickly lose interest in DOTA. I remember Ghost Park and some other shits that I played back then. I don't have much strong memories of WC3 before, but I'll get to more later. 

I honestly I don't remember much of other games I playted during high schools other than those mentioned, as well as counter strike I guess, but I don't play CS as much before. Oh I do play GTA SA given from the very own big boy from my class. It honestly was a very cool game where I get to mod lots of shits to make better car or planes or what the fuck ever skin I want for my self. And from that I get called to his house just for me to help him get the skins for him. 

Guess that's all I have, but I do have a more recent and stronger memories that I hopefully will write here soon before I forget my shits. 

Ephemeral Experiences I

...

 A: Imagination, a very handy tool for the advancement of humanity. Yet if used wrongly , it can be used to degrade their creators. 

Me: That sounds hella obvious and gae, so what's this about?

A: Depending on your nature, imagination itself is unstoppable when you don't desire them. As long as it sparked, you'll have it in your head for awhile. And some people have vivid memories of their imagination from when they are a kid, of something that they view as demonic or paranormal. In any case, what's your first few memories of fear that you remember up to today.

Me: Uhh.... there is two. The first one was.... about an asteriod i saw from the planetorium in Kuching and another is something that I... perhaps dreamt of but was vivid.

Me: The one girl or creature.... I know its name is Okamayashi or just Mayashi. I think it was devried from some snack I used to eat when I was like 5-7. 

A: Describe her appearance.

Me:  It has a long face. Just imagine god made human body, but decided to put a cylinder as a head. Imagine the cylinder is placed perpendicularly to the neck at its mid points, but when its walk or look at people, its head tilts about 45 degree so face side is at the front. It has a red circular blush on its "cheeks" and it has a very, circular, big crossed eyes. She also have hair, tied with some accessory that hangs from the hair. 

A: So what did it do to you?

Me: All it did was coming to my class as a transfer student, looked at us with her creepy face and said that everyone has to be her friend. But then I, who spoke for the class, rejected her. Funny enough I don't remember what happen then on. Was this a dream? Did I woke up from there? All I know is her vivid face and appearance until today. 

A: what about this asterioid thing?

Me: The planetorium in Kuching showed the disaster that a large meteorite could cause to humanity. What induced my fear was not the fact that a meteor could hit us at any moment but rather the picture used for the meteor. 

A: Describe?

Me: It probably was just a normal rock, but I pictured it as a brain with eyes on it. It could float and hunt me, that's all. I imagined it once floating from the bedroom door and creeped to me. 

A: What does it do to you? Or did?

Me: Literally nothing. Just that I was scared by it. 

A: so you basically feared it, but not fearing what it can do to you?

ME: very much yea. Maybe it wanna be friends with me I don't know? 

A: Fear, easily one of the things that drives you into submission, yet at time you don't even know what the factor that made you fear could actually do to you. 

Me: over thinking is not even the problem here. I fear for something, but that's it. I didn't fear what it could do, just its appearance brought  me to my knees. 

......

Me: so why are we....

A: Ok let's end here bye.

"..."

The most beautiful thing

As far as we all know it, and majority of the educated people in this world, knows the world is bound by science. Yet in us all, we seek fantasy life that would make our life more interesting. To satisfy our crave of a different world, we dream. But sad for us as that at the very end of all our dreams, is always us waking up. Never would we dream to wake up to have that world that we dream of to materialize. But what if we are able to do that? To create a world where it fills all our needs, and having scenarios that would make our life more colorful?

If that is true, that means we are a God or just a lone sentient creature in a dream world that would never end. If all of us can make our own scenarios, that would affect others, and what if they wised for another world too? Conflict of everyone's ideology would end up in chaos and cease to exist in harmony. Is this why the fundamental law of science tries to keep us away from? 

But what if I am the only one, or you potentially, that can change this world to the scenario that me or you wish for? Would I ask for a romantic scenario? Would I add a little of tragedy? But if I did, how would it be fun to venture a journey that I know the plot of?  Of course unless if I set my world, clear my memory and run this world till the end without my memory of designing this life. What if I asked for a better scenario after creating my 1st? Then would I be satisfied after that? Would I ask for another modification of my life again? If that happens.... then would I re-create a world that is perfect for me, and only me? The fact that I am able to create my own scenario is creepy. Does that mean that my life now is set by what I designed before I was born? I.... would not be super surprised I guess, as sometimes I do think that I am being guided by a divine entity, that could potentially be myself. Could we all be a God to ourselves? I doubt someone wants to live or born in a poverty setting though. I am actually quite tired to think about this discussion any further. I am typing this because I watched Your Name, which questioned if this world is just a world bound to science, and no fantasy are allowed in this world. What I really like from the movie is the theme of knowing something, or loved someone, but yet you can't recall about them, and you tloeft with the drive to find this thing you can't remember. But no, I don't want this theme to be driven by Alzheimer or concussion. 

I have my own scenario of life that, if fantasy can happen, I would love to happen. I tried to write my story down, but I ended up stop writing because it got too far in my own world that I don't wish to write them anymore. I wrote the beginning months ago. The theme is like Your Name, I went to a world with magic and shit, but I just can't remember my exact life from here. I retain the feeling of those I love, but I don't remember their name either. Same with many other people who got summoned into this world like me, they don't have a clue of their identity or the name of people they know from this world. The plot is to liberate this world so we can go back to our original world, but of course, the twist is what "liberate" means. And at the end of the story, I wouldn't remember anyone exactly from the dream world, except for their faces and some other fragment of memories I carry about the fantasy world.

Fantasy, truly not something that we can achieve in this world. Well maybe? Who knows my time is not up, or I'm just some secondary or background character in other people's fantasy world. I am not going to wait for my fantasy world to happen, I'll just live my life and hope for the better of myself because the last time I thought I know something is for sure be better for me (and her), ended up not. 

Will it happen, will it not at all? Still, to hope for the possibility itself is not wrong. 

Some things in life are beautiful because one can not achieve them. 

The most beautiful thing

The long ago Fantasia

It's 2020 and been a couple months since I last updated this page. I haven't had anything in my mind that drives me to write anything. Back when I was in romantic period of chasing a girl, I always rely on doing this in order to ease my mind. I am still in the same relationship for 5 years now, and I realize that the peak moment of my blog is when we first separate. From then on, I rarely write anything about my relationship. It's just so stable that I don't know what to say here or rant about.

So why am I here writing/typing today? It's because I told myself to write something now so I won't regret it in future that my blog is abandoned, and there is nothing that I can laugh or nostalgic about.
But ofcourse I came in today with a topic to write. It is about this person that I sometimes forget, but was somewhat a part of my life before.

Ok now that's awkward because I literally stopped at my 2nd paragraph and did not update until now... which is like 1 month.

Something I had in mind is the question of the girl from my 1st blog. It does seem like I could never stop writing......

Even more awkward as I just stopped and did not continue write this entry for another 1-2 months.

I'll just update now if not I probably forget later. First thing first, the idea of trying to apologize or again reconnect with Nia. I always thought of a way to talk with her, but it would have been awkward to just start talking now without context. What should I say? "Hi, it's been a long time, how are you doing?" That sounds real gey, but a sufficient way to start the conversation I say. I always get into a roadblock where I question myself "why does it even matter what I say after years of dormancy between us?" Like people have impression of first words or speech, but I have met her before and talked to her before for almost everyday. True that things ended up awkward between us, but why is it also I don't want to start any conversation? The fear of unknown I suppose? What is the unknown? Her replies? What would she feel or say? But does it even matter how others feel? The concept of me thinking about how she feels is legit based on her version inside my head. And her version inside my head hasn't been updated ever since 4-5 years ago, or maybe even more.

Logically, the best move for me is to just start talking to her, but the human emotion part of me denies that and don't want to involve unnecessary actions. I guess that's what makes us human. Though logic is more likely will give us better future, but the human of us limits us to what we can do and not be a total robot. This notion reminds me of the game Nier Automata, where the original Aliens who invaded Earth were perceived as "boring" by their own creations, as they only follow logic: "if something is broken (be it physical or social problems), then it will be fixed with no emotions" "if something is required for the sake of their race but not others, then they will do anything necessary for their own survival." The list goes on but the idea is they are a race of creatures that have zero emotions. And the main protagonist, of course, are pro-human, and that's why the Alien's creations (antagonist) are more interested in humans than their own kind. I won't spoil more on the story but the more I think about it the more I realize that we are a very dramatic creature. We seek drama as if it is necessary for our life. I don't mean drama in terms of K-drama or some other romantic/tragic story, but rather we use our emotion to guide ourself, and sometimes, but not always, diverge from doing something better. Let's say you are an introvert who doesn't talk to anyone, sit in corner everyday minding you own toughts. Others may say "take a look at him/her, acting all cool and shit." You may not want it, but the act of being different from others is considerably dramatic, as why can't you just be like other people and instead be very different. Another example is if you want were given the choice of doing something, but you ended up using your emotion to guide you, rather than logic. The most common example I see is people posting up emotional quotes or life updates in social medias about their life, like relationship for example, where they have hard time dealing with their partner, and instead of logically processing what is best for his/her relationship. Yes some probably they tried, but based a story I heard, the amount they "tried" is basically dumb. For one story, which is a friend of my girl friend who she knew for years. She had a boyfriend who only seeks short term relation ship and doesn't want to go beyond, in addition he demands deep physical interaction with her. Her, playing the "caretaker" let her boy friend does that, but he still doesn't consider deep relationship just because he got hurt before by his ex. And of course the girl is sad. She gave whatever she can to the boy, but the boy doesn't want to give his best to believe in her. Now, play that you are the girl, what would you do:

1) Try your best to learn his situation, find correct ways to wake him up from his nightmare and give him all you can to give him experiences that would make him acknowledge that you are not going to repeat his past. And in all cases that he doesn't want to change at all, you would just move on from the boy.

2) Try give the boy whatever he wants that doesn't actually help him, for example feeding him all the lust/pleasures he desires. Dismiss his "unpleasant behavior" with an excuse of "his is still 21, and he is still growing." Continuously get depressed from his behavior, and post emotional quotes/updates at Instagram. And probably quit the relationship when you get enough mental scar from doing this.

Many seeks part 2 as we are human. But there is something that may not support this idea of mine. What if logic was taught properly at early education, so people can grow to use logic more than emotions? Would that create a less dramatic society? I still believe that emotions will be there to judge an individual's action, but would cases like I describe above be less common? Something like science, maths they are logic, but we are forced to memorize them, rather than actually embrace the fact that logical approaches would lead to a correct answer. Maybe zero emotion can be acheived if someone is raised in a school where their reality is based on a society that should never show emotion, like an extreme army school I guess. Though they may not show emotions, I still believe somehow that those individuals still have a tiny or spark of emotion in them, waiting to burst out. What is human without emotions I guess.

I guess I derailed enough. Back to the main question, I would follow my human part to not talk to her now, but I would probably start the conversation at her birthday, where I can wish her and hopefully a seed would be planted then.


The long ago Fantasia

-Insert Interesting Title here about Life Update-

For awhile now, I have been thinking of good entries for the blog, but most of them time I forgot to write it and eventually forgotten forever.

(20 days later)

As of now, it is 2 days before cousin Steph's wedding, and I am current in my aunt's house.

(9 days later)

Now I am back in Seattle to run my old life. What I wrote up there is basically me trying to continue this blog, but at the same time not having the spirit to do so. I mean this blog is not alive nor dead, just very inactive because I hardly have the will to write anything these days. I recall back then when I started this blog, I had a lot of things that I wanted to write that I posted at least 2 post in a day. Now adays I have just been struck by work (unpaid), and not drama had happened for so long. My Aniki/senpai that I hang with is not dramatic (which is why I hang with him in the 1st place), so I almost have nothing to write about him either. Now I am in a local American cafe, supposedly doing my review on aging stem cell. Before I grow old and senile, this is the current update I have:

1) Graduated from UWUniveristy OWOshington with degree in MCD.
2) I got accepted into OPT program.
3)Stayed in the same stem cell lab (Hannele's) and have 3 projects going on (Review on Stem Cell Aging, Mechanism of Quiescence by the means of cellular pathway and Mechanism of Quiescence by the means of epigenetic.
4) Went to cousin's Steph's wedding. Which was epic in my opinion.

The graduation was hot as af, and I wasted my aunt's birthday by having her to sit under the sun for hours. Feels bad. But the graduation itself is nothing to me. If I haven't get a job, support parent, get my the darl into a western world, then I am still a loooooser. Next, the OPT thing... I got accepted quite early, but sadly my aniki did not  get his approval until like a month later or so. But in the end everything went fine for the both of us.

The wedding was interesting, as it was my first time going into a western style wedding. I first learned the existential of "Tea Ceremony" where the bridge and groom has to offer tea to the elders (based on asian tradition). I was told that this was common, but apparently out of the 1000 asian wedding I went, I have never been invited into 1, so I never learned about it. But out of all, I was able to meet many of Uncle Ong's cool family. They were chill and such that I really felt like at home. At first I didn't want to go, but in the end of the day.... I didn't want to leave. Very nice people and very nice wedding.... It was held at a place where I could see the desert mountains. I like the place they chose, with the only downside being under the sun and it was blindingly bright during the ceremony. Other than that.... oh I also regret ordering fish than beef, because beef menu was filet mignon, whereas the fish is just sea bass.... which are cheaper. Very angry but oh wells, it was still good and that is all that matters.

Now my life is back to the old grind where I have to impress my PI by working hard. Thank god the projects that I received was in line with my interest. But other than that I really have no idea what comes next. I wonder if there is anything major that is due or have to be done soon.... Maybe just try to apply to graduate school? For grad school, I would love to stay or go to CA. If CA, I would want it to be a school where I can get funding for my entire study time... If not I will be in damnation of always using parent's money. But as of now, I really don't know what is coming. I say this because I typically have something that I usually nervous about.... Oh, I am applying for the unescorted access to large nuclear material, which takes about a few months to process? And at the process, the FBI will be looking into me deeply. Well,  I am not too scared by this because, as far as I am aware of, I have never done any wrong or crime in the life that I have lived (other than lying about my homework being eaten by a cicak).

I guess that's much as I can report. Oh... I finally met that girl again. Well the word "finally" is not really correct, but more like... I see her again... that person from the "hella" lab. Not real name, but that PI was so bad that my experience in his/her lab was like hell. Back to topic,  I met the same person I used to work with in that lab. You probably won't understand who I am referring to today, because I purposefully written her story in a hidden side of the blog. And no, we are not going back to find that hidden blog now. But basically this person almost pulled me out of my current relationship. She did nothing, it was all on me. AND NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO FIND THAT HIDDEN POST UWU. Back to story, I met her again, now at my current work place. She looks exactly the same. I wonder if she is working in the same institute as I am now or something. It was already 6 pm though. I know she always came in late to lab back when I used to work with her, but that was because of class and stuff. I wonder if she also taking 2 lab positions as she did before. But that would mean that she is working more as a technician than researcher. I am quite curious on what she is doing currently. She was actually the person that drove me to have 2 research experience at the same time. But I never told her anything about it. I never want to tell her that I wanted to challenge her, but this is more for myself. "If she can do it, so can I," was the saying that I had in my head when I first heard from my ex-PI that she is working for 2 different lab at the same time. And for that, I was her "silent challenger,"  by working in 2 different lab at the same time, while also taking hard ass classes. The moment I saw her was when she went down off the shuttle and our eyes met, we said hi, but both of us just walked passed, me going into the shuttle, she walked to whatever place she wanted to go to. At that brief moment.... I recall a little of the past where I met and worked with her. My mind stopped working as I recall the face of that ex-PI of mine. Oh I saw her during my graduation. Saw her, and immediately was pissed by her as she doesn't say hi back to me. Freaking PI..... she saw me and acted like she never knew me. I worked my ass hard for her but she never guide me right. In the end of the day.... seeing my old PI was very unpleasant. Now to think about it... is she still working with my ex-PI? Next time I see her, I'll pin her down and ask her about her life, or atleast, about how is my dear ex-PI doing.

To think about it, the next story is about my a the darl. She couldn't get a job and her parents are like grinding her to get one and seem to use more of emotion than intellect to keep her having the "drive" to get a job fast. I discussed this with her before: But perfections doesn't come with being hurried. What I am trying to say is, when people or parents are desperate, they tend to use emotion to want things to get done, but at the same time, not very efficient and also drives other people or their kids to fall into mental depression. I know this well because it was well written on my blog.... part... 2? I described well the drama I had at home. Where I was pushed hard to get into Fall quarter to start my education. I chose winter quarter and my parents were unhappy and immediately assumed that I am lazy, picking romance over future, stupid, etc etc. The more I think about it the more I have no doubt that my parents were just flooded with fear of thinking that I have been influenced to be a "bad person" or someone that they totally do want to have. It was, of course, very sad on my side, where parents don't support your thinking, even though I logically had planned everything, just to be fired with ideology that are only supported by emotions. In the end, my choice had brought me good experience of life in college and university. I regret nothing over my choice. I ended in a lab where I am given 3 projects that can be used to support my entry to grad school better than other candidates. I am lucky to be where I am now. My parents wanted me to go to school 3 months earlier, but would that choice bring me to where I am now? Probably same or better? I do doubt that. I get to where I am now by meeting right people at right time. Even my failures here had brought me to where I can excel better than others. What are the odds of me working in the same lab with the same work moral and such if I hadn't been exposed to the failure that I was supposed to receive and learn from? Just what are the odds of me going into a the same place or better? A stem cell lab that gave me 3 projects relating to cancer and aging? Name me a more interesting lab and project than that! What I am trying to say is.... just by 3 months later than normal application, I probably had gotten a good or better life. I mean there could still be chance of me ended up in the same place, but again, what are the odds? If I hadn't sacrificed 3 more months being with my darl, both of us... agreed that we might not be able to last as long as we are now. I also ended up graduating from my college at the same time if I had came in 3 months earlier, but would I be the same person? If I had broken up with my darl, would I still have the drive to move forward as today? Maybe yes and no. There's a chance I might get someone here and of course get citizenship in a blink. That's all cool and stuff, but will my application to grad school be as great as I have now? How much depression would I fall into if I had to break with darl?
One can argue it could be better and not, but the idea is, I still did not fail as of now. I am actually doing better than I thought I would do actually..... Back to the main idea.... Don't let your parents' emotion influence your future choice. Make your own logical decision and stick to it. Outcome my be better or worst or same, just don't regret not following your own instinct. And again...  don't randomly assume that you know better than your parents or elderly, I was like this because I knew their logic were based on emotion and were full of doubts. If your parents gave you a logical statement with little to no emotions infused, then you might want to listen to them. My parents always force me to graduate fast, but that idea only works if you are in business major (correct me if I am wrong), and atleast, definitely not my major. I had followed what they wanted me to do, which is to study fast and graduate fast, I would 100% not be in good condition to go to grad school, as my field of study requires me to have as much research experience more than grades. If I graduate early, I would have taken away my chances of doing as much undergrad research as I should atleast have, and that would not lead me anywhere, as no one would even want to hire me. Like that neighbor that my parents used to compare me to.... He is also in bio-related major as I am, but all he did was to get good grade and graduate earlier. And that's when the problem came in. He couldn't find a job and from then on, my mother had never shared me his story or compared me to him anymore. Now to make it even worst, I heard many universities are dropping the GRE system (a  standardized exam), so your application is weighted heavily on good research experience. And as of me, if my projects can really move to how I wish, my name would atleast be at the top 10 to 5% of best applicant. So really.... my entire point is... I made it to where I want to be by listening to my own belief. I know my gamble and I played it right. But don't interpret me wrongly, if you are not rational and drive your choices mostly by emotion, then you should NOT LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Seem like as long as you are rational (don't simply assume that you are though), you can move correctly. It's kind of weird though....to think about it,  how do you know that you are a rational person? when can you start to listen to yourself and not others? When are you sure that you are right? All I know was that I could closely predict the logical order of possible future back then. If I go early..... less interaction with darl, high chance of breaking up, sad life in USA, no motivation to move forward. If I go a little later the chances of breaking up is lower (as we spend more time together and know about each other more deeply), and hence I can focus on my studies better; which overall lead me to a better life. The latter choice had brought me a good life, and I can't say too much about the former. And how did I get this kind of thinking without doubting myself that I might be super wrong? Failure, I am one of the biggest loser in my class. I acted like shit and stuff while at the same time, practiced my skill of logical thinking. I learned all emotion driven actions always end up in failure, whereas logical thinking are the ones that saved me. I practiced logical thinking in high school as I knew damn well that I had nothing to lose, other than friend or dignity. I trained my thinking since then, and that's how I was able to chose my own path without getting into as much doubt. All that matter is, I was able to make a choice without being influenced by my parent. Now I recall that there are times where I made my choice and my parents still try to persuade me to go earlier. I am quite proud of myself that I am capable of sticking to my own belief/gamble, even after being roasted everyday at home by my very own parents. Kind of annoying though. They were not happy with my choice and tried to control me. To think about it, did the relationship with my darl also made me into such a confident person?  Because I recall that I was a person who's easily affected by other people's words, especially by my own parents. If I had gone into the former choice and fail ultimately as predicted by my gamble, who would I blame? My parents or myself? Regardless, I will to live with an eternal regret, and that's what I want to avoid. One of the reason I was able to keep on to my gamble is because I know the feeling of following the choice that is not made by my own will, and to ultimately end up in regret. And let me share with you that the feeling of regret by not following other people's words are not as painful (sometimes the regret just fades away real quick from me... as soon as I learn from the mistake of course...) as regretting from not to follow your own instinct (I have a couple of this regret since high school, and some of them still haunts me up till today, eventhough they were not very important to me). I am happy that I had been experiencing failures when the stakes was so low, but in turn, I learned a lot about decision making for myself. If you are a parent and is currently reading this, please do not force your kids to do something out of emotions, you would probably destroy them internally. Please do not throw away their self esteem if you can.... So what's of my relationship with my parent now? All I can say is better. I was given the chance of going back hometown to visit my GF and see my parents once more, and luckly this time, they never compared me to anyone anymore and I was given the smiles that I have wanted to see. From then on... though the trip was just a total of a month, I was able to fix my self and forgive them of their past mistakes on me. If they had not wanted me to go back, I would probably still in hatred and not contact them as often as I do now. I recall there was a time, before my visit back from US, I did not call my parents for 2-3 months straight. Now at least every week or 2 weeks there are calls between me and the family. I've been like ranting about this for hours, probably the essay if full of repetition by this point. Here are some favorite quotes I got my captain Levi:

"The only thing we're allowed to do... is to believe that we won't regret the choice we made."


"I don't know which option you should choose. I could never advise you on that... No matter what kind of wisdom dictates you the option you pick, no one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong until you arrive to some sort of outcome from your choice."

With all of that. I'll end this post as I am going to continue reading some research papers regarding aging and such.