Well... Perhaps?

Maybe deviating away from the previous post I want to make of, but I guess I'll just state it here. 

This week I got back from 3 of IDK amount of universities I applied has replied/respond to my application. though only UC Davis of the 3 rejected me, I made a thought about it. It said that 400 students applied for 20 spots in the university, which is literally only 5% acceptance rate ish, assuming all the applicants are equally good. what I have in mind is what about the higher end schools that I applied then? Stanford? MIT? Harvard? Like why do I dream of these schools to even consider me if they are also just like UC Davis? surely is not wrong to dream and apply, but the audacity of me to feel so special that these schools would consider me is what I have been questioning. Surely there are other applicants who are much better than me. Like performed more outreach program than me? Better grades than me? Stronger letter of recommendation than me for sure. 

What do I say all these is because lately I have been dreaming of perhaps going back to my high school and tell them that even a not-so-great-student like me, who scored 6/40 for one of his maths test is able to climb up high into a super good school in the US, in the hopes to motivate students who were just like me to start dream big from younger age. I have started to seriously thinking of guiding the future students in my home country/Kuching to their success, and don't let them feel getting straight A* is the only way to succeed. Sure, A* is a nice grade for entering good school, but it is not the only way. I want them to not feel special and such, in a way, to tell some people like my old self that they are worth in some special subject and being good in all subject doesn't mean they are 1000% successful. I truly hope to stop the younger generations from destroying their self-esteem as confidence, I learned, is the most important key to be successful. 

If there's 400 that applied to UC Davis, then what of the high grade schools that I applied to? 700? 900? 1000? Regardless, what are the odds that I am someone special in those list of students? Surely there are a crap ton of students out there who have achieved more than me, found more novel stuffs than me, or perhaps have direct relation to someone from the institution. All to say I ain't super special. Could my application really is on some stacks of ignored applicants in the office now? Perhaps awaiting for someone to take the stash and send them emails that they are rejected? 

Am I a fool who always dream big but never really achieved anything? Did I really think that I could get into those schools? Why do I have hope in the first place? 

Am I just a normal student who would only get into normal school and normal life? 

Well... Perhaps? 

Ephemeral Experiences I

 Certainly some experiences we go through may or may not last very long. At points I do think that a certain moment of my life would stay with me for years to come. But certainly the rule of life doesn't allow me to experience those.

Just like pain, good experiences would one day break down and cease to exist. I am not talking about the loss of life, but rather those "summer minecraft memory of 2010 memory" kind of thing. Yes is about gaming. For those who don't game, it is a weird thing where you met some people you don't know online, but to later spend so much time with them and actually gave you good gaming memory. Those people mostly comes and leaves without any means of you to contact them once again as they move on to play something else. But the problem is not longer that evident as something like discord would allow gamers to always connect to each other even if they have moved on to other games. 

I am writing this down because I wished I could write my past experiences together about gaming here as well, but I couldn't as the only memory I had was nothing but an imagine or short clips of those experiences. 

Let's begin with the very first memory....

Maplestory. A very fucked up game where I gave my all just to get hacked. I knew about this game because of my older brother. I went to his friend's birthday party, I think her name is Stephanie or something, where she showed him the game. I recall I said I want to try too, and she immediately told me "no, you can't play." I understood that she doesn't want everyone in the house to play her account, but fuck her and her fully pimpled face. After I got my own PC, I tried downloading it like a bazillion times just to get failed installation. Apparently the application was so senstivie that if I clicked the loading bar or do something else, it would crash. 

I began as bowmaster, with the name Kushluk, the traitorous leader in Genghis Khan's army or something. Then I remember using my whole weekend or something to play that bitch ass game to level the fuck up. Back then leveling to 30 takes about a week of gameplay (now if you have the gear and cash item, you can go to level 200 in 1 hour 30 min).  Back then grinding was such an intense shit but fun. I even remember using my own money to buy cash, but to later be accused of getting scammed and beaten up by my parents. Good memories. 

I got to level 70 after like what, half a year? But later my friend was so into my character that he helped me grind my hero with hacks, which later caused my account to be banned for 8 years (i think i should be able to play that account now since this was like 10 years ago). During those times, truly my memory of having fun is undeniable. My grinding for level and items... my times when I literally went to Free Market and ask for a GF. I got a GF and I literally added her in my Facebook. From this game, I united my classmates to play and I genuinely was so fond of those memories of being a loser and spread it to my class. Back then for what it felt like forever, had to end as maplesotry was already losing it reputation even before I graduate high school. I certainly played a lot of other private servers, which gave me the fun, but in the end it wasn't as much fun as the original maple where I played with the whole class. I played lao shu ai ta mi on repeat and from then everytime I play this song, I recalled those times in maplestory. 

During the same timeline as Maplestory, or even before (actually it is before MS), that I played Warcraft 3 custom maps. Playing in garena was one of those memories I can't forget. Sad that garena actually removed this very to quality option of playing TFE3 maps, but oh wells. Almost every other Saturdays, I went to the pregnant lady's house to play random custom maps with others from the class. DOTA was one of those, but I quickly lose interest in DOTA. I remember Ghost Park and some other shits that I played back then. I don't have much strong memories of WC3 before, but I'll get to more later. 

I honestly I don't remember much of other games I playted during high schools other than those mentioned, as well as counter strike I guess, but I don't play CS as much before. Oh I do play GTA SA given from the very own big boy from my class. It honestly was a very cool game where I get to mod lots of shits to make better car or planes or what the fuck ever skin I want for my self. And from that I get called to his house just for me to help him get the skins for him. 

Guess that's all I have, but I do have a more recent and stronger memories that I hopefully will write here soon before I forget my shits. 

Ephemeral Experiences I

...

 A: Imagination, a very handy tool for the advancement of humanity. Yet if used wrongly , it can be used to degrade their creators. 

Me: That sounds hella obvious and gae, so what's this about?

A: Depending on your nature, imagination itself is unstoppable when you don't desire them. As long as it sparked, you'll have it in your head for awhile. And some people have vivid memories of their imagination from when they are a kid, of something that they view as demonic or paranormal. In any case, what's your first few memories of fear that you remember up to today.

Me: Uhh.... there is two. The first one was.... about an asteriod i saw from the planetorium in Kuching and another is something that I... perhaps dreamt of but was vivid.

Me: The one girl or creature.... I know its name is Okamayashi or just Mayashi. I think it was devried from some snack I used to eat when I was like 5-7. 

A: Describe her appearance.

Me:  It has a long face. Just imagine god made human body, but decided to put a cylinder as a head. Imagine the cylinder is placed perpendicularly to the neck at its mid points, but when its walk or look at people, its head tilts about 45 degree so face side is at the front. It has a red circular blush on its "cheeks" and it has a very, circular, big crossed eyes. She also have hair, tied with some accessory that hangs from the hair. 

A: So what did it do to you?

Me: All it did was coming to my class as a transfer student, looked at us with her creepy face and said that everyone has to be her friend. But then I, who spoke for the class, rejected her. Funny enough I don't remember what happen then on. Was this a dream? Did I woke up from there? All I know is her vivid face and appearance until today. 

A: what about this asterioid thing?

Me: The planetorium in Kuching showed the disaster that a large meteorite could cause to humanity. What induced my fear was not the fact that a meteor could hit us at any moment but rather the picture used for the meteor. 

A: Describe?

Me: It probably was just a normal rock, but I pictured it as a brain with eyes on it. It could float and hunt me, that's all. I imagined it once floating from the bedroom door and creeped to me. 

A: What does it do to you? Or did?

Me: Literally nothing. Just that I was scared by it. 

A: so you basically feared it, but not fearing what it can do to you?

ME: very much yea. Maybe it wanna be friends with me I don't know? 

A: Fear, easily one of the things that drives you into submission, yet at time you don't even know what the factor that made you fear could actually do to you. 

Me: over thinking is not even the problem here. I fear for something, but that's it. I didn't fear what it could do, just its appearance brought  me to my knees. 

......

Me: so why are we....

A: Ok let's end here bye.

"..."

The most beautiful thing

As far as we all know it, and majority of the educated people in this world, knows the world is bound by science. Yet in us all, we seek fantasy life that would make our life more interesting. To satisfy our crave of a different world, we dream. But sad for us as that at the very end of all our dreams, is always us waking up. Never would we dream to wake up to have that world that we dream of to materialize. But what if we are able to do that? To create a world where it fills all our needs, and having scenarios that would make our life more colorful?

If that is true, that means we are a God or just a lone sentient creature in a dream world that would never end. If all of us can make our own scenarios, that would affect others, and what if they wised for another world too? Conflict of everyone's ideology would end up in chaos and cease to exist in harmony. Is this why the fundamental law of science tries to keep us away from? 

But what if I am the only one, or you potentially, that can change this world to the scenario that me or you wish for? Would I ask for a romantic scenario? Would I add a little of tragedy? But if I did, how would it be fun to venture a journey that I know the plot of?  Of course unless if I set my world, clear my memory and run this world till the end without my memory of designing this life. What if I asked for a better scenario after creating my 1st? Then would I be satisfied after that? Would I ask for another modification of my life again? If that happens.... then would I re-create a world that is perfect for me, and only me? The fact that I am able to create my own scenario is creepy. Does that mean that my life now is set by what I designed before I was born? I.... would not be super surprised I guess, as sometimes I do think that I am being guided by a divine entity, that could potentially be myself. Could we all be a God to ourselves? I doubt someone wants to live or born in a poverty setting though. I am actually quite tired to think about this discussion any further. I am typing this because I watched Your Name, which questioned if this world is just a world bound to science, and no fantasy are allowed in this world. What I really like from the movie is the theme of knowing something, or loved someone, but yet you can't recall about them, and you tloeft with the drive to find this thing you can't remember. But no, I don't want this theme to be driven by Alzheimer or concussion. 

I have my own scenario of life that, if fantasy can happen, I would love to happen. I tried to write my story down, but I ended up stop writing because it got too far in my own world that I don't wish to write them anymore. I wrote the beginning months ago. The theme is like Your Name, I went to a world with magic and shit, but I just can't remember my exact life from here. I retain the feeling of those I love, but I don't remember their name either. Same with many other people who got summoned into this world like me, they don't have a clue of their identity or the name of people they know from this world. The plot is to liberate this world so we can go back to our original world, but of course, the twist is what "liberate" means. And at the end of the story, I wouldn't remember anyone exactly from the dream world, except for their faces and some other fragment of memories I carry about the fantasy world.

Fantasy, truly not something that we can achieve in this world. Well maybe? Who knows my time is not up, or I'm just some secondary or background character in other people's fantasy world. I am not going to wait for my fantasy world to happen, I'll just live my life and hope for the better of myself because the last time I thought I know something is for sure be better for me (and her), ended up not. 

Will it happen, will it not at all? Still, to hope for the possibility itself is not wrong. 

Some things in life are beautiful because one can not achieve them. 

The most beautiful thing

The long ago Fantasia

It's 2020 and been a couple months since I last updated this page. I haven't had anything in my mind that drives me to write anything. Back when I was in romantic period of chasing a girl, I always rely on doing this in order to ease my mind. I am still in the same relationship for 5 years now, and I realize that the peak moment of my blog is when we first separate. From then on, I rarely write anything about my relationship. It's just so stable that I don't know what to say here or rant about.

So why am I here writing/typing today? It's because I told myself to write something now so I won't regret it in future that my blog is abandoned, and there is nothing that I can laugh or nostalgic about.
But ofcourse I came in today with a topic to write. It is about this person that I sometimes forget, but was somewhat a part of my life before.

Ok now that's awkward because I literally stopped at my 2nd paragraph and did not update until now... which is like 1 month.

Something I had in mind is the question of the girl from my 1st blog. It does seem like I could never stop writing......

Even more awkward as I just stopped and did not continue write this entry for another 1-2 months.

I'll just update now if not I probably forget later. First thing first, the idea of trying to apologize or again reconnect with Nia. I always thought of a way to talk with her, but it would have been awkward to just start talking now without context. What should I say? "Hi, it's been a long time, how are you doing?" That sounds real gey, but a sufficient way to start the conversation I say. I always get into a roadblock where I question myself "why does it even matter what I say after years of dormancy between us?" Like people have impression of first words or speech, but I have met her before and talked to her before for almost everyday. True that things ended up awkward between us, but why is it also I don't want to start any conversation? The fear of unknown I suppose? What is the unknown? Her replies? What would she feel or say? But does it even matter how others feel? The concept of me thinking about how she feels is legit based on her version inside my head. And her version inside my head hasn't been updated ever since 4-5 years ago, or maybe even more.

Logically, the best move for me is to just start talking to her, but the human emotion part of me denies that and don't want to involve unnecessary actions. I guess that's what makes us human. Though logic is more likely will give us better future, but the human of us limits us to what we can do and not be a total robot. This notion reminds me of the game Nier Automata, where the original Aliens who invaded Earth were perceived as "boring" by their own creations, as they only follow logic: "if something is broken (be it physical or social problems), then it will be fixed with no emotions" "if something is required for the sake of their race but not others, then they will do anything necessary for their own survival." The list goes on but the idea is they are a race of creatures that have zero emotions. And the main protagonist, of course, are pro-human, and that's why the Alien's creations (antagonist) are more interested in humans than their own kind. I won't spoil more on the story but the more I think about it the more I realize that we are a very dramatic creature. We seek drama as if it is necessary for our life. I don't mean drama in terms of K-drama or some other romantic/tragic story, but rather we use our emotion to guide ourself, and sometimes, but not always, diverge from doing something better. Let's say you are an introvert who doesn't talk to anyone, sit in corner everyday minding you own toughts. Others may say "take a look at him/her, acting all cool and shit." You may not want it, but the act of being different from others is considerably dramatic, as why can't you just be like other people and instead be very different. Another example is if you want were given the choice of doing something, but you ended up using your emotion to guide you, rather than logic. The most common example I see is people posting up emotional quotes or life updates in social medias about their life, like relationship for example, where they have hard time dealing with their partner, and instead of logically processing what is best for his/her relationship. Yes some probably they tried, but based a story I heard, the amount they "tried" is basically dumb. For one story, which is a friend of my girl friend who she knew for years. She had a boyfriend who only seeks short term relation ship and doesn't want to go beyond, in addition he demands deep physical interaction with her. Her, playing the "caretaker" let her boy friend does that, but he still doesn't consider deep relationship just because he got hurt before by his ex. And of course the girl is sad. She gave whatever she can to the boy, but the boy doesn't want to give his best to believe in her. Now, play that you are the girl, what would you do:

1) Try your best to learn his situation, find correct ways to wake him up from his nightmare and give him all you can to give him experiences that would make him acknowledge that you are not going to repeat his past. And in all cases that he doesn't want to change at all, you would just move on from the boy.

2) Try give the boy whatever he wants that doesn't actually help him, for example feeding him all the lust/pleasures he desires. Dismiss his "unpleasant behavior" with an excuse of "his is still 21, and he is still growing." Continuously get depressed from his behavior, and post emotional quotes/updates at Instagram. And probably quit the relationship when you get enough mental scar from doing this.

Many seeks part 2 as we are human. But there is something that may not support this idea of mine. What if logic was taught properly at early education, so people can grow to use logic more than emotions? Would that create a less dramatic society? I still believe that emotions will be there to judge an individual's action, but would cases like I describe above be less common? Something like science, maths they are logic, but we are forced to memorize them, rather than actually embrace the fact that logical approaches would lead to a correct answer. Maybe zero emotion can be acheived if someone is raised in a school where their reality is based on a society that should never show emotion, like an extreme army school I guess. Though they may not show emotions, I still believe somehow that those individuals still have a tiny or spark of emotion in them, waiting to burst out. What is human without emotions I guess.

I guess I derailed enough. Back to the main question, I would follow my human part to not talk to her now, but I would probably start the conversation at her birthday, where I can wish her and hopefully a seed would be planted then.


The long ago Fantasia

-Insert Interesting Title here about Life Update-

For awhile now, I have been thinking of good entries for the blog, but most of them time I forgot to write it and eventually forgotten forever.

(20 days later)

As of now, it is 2 days before cousin Steph's wedding, and I am current in my aunt's house.

(9 days later)

Now I am back in Seattle to run my old life. What I wrote up there is basically me trying to continue this blog, but at the same time not having the spirit to do so. I mean this blog is not alive nor dead, just very inactive because I hardly have the will to write anything these days. I recall back then when I started this blog, I had a lot of things that I wanted to write that I posted at least 2 post in a day. Now adays I have just been struck by work (unpaid), and not drama had happened for so long. My Aniki/senpai that I hang with is not dramatic (which is why I hang with him in the 1st place), so I almost have nothing to write about him either. Now I am in a local American cafe, supposedly doing my review on aging stem cell. Before I grow old and senile, this is the current update I have:

1) Graduated from UWUniveristy OWOshington with degree in MCD.
2) I got accepted into OPT program.
3)Stayed in the same stem cell lab (Hannele's) and have 3 projects going on (Review on Stem Cell Aging, Mechanism of Quiescence by the means of cellular pathway and Mechanism of Quiescence by the means of epigenetic.
4) Went to cousin's Steph's wedding. Which was epic in my opinion.

The graduation was hot as af, and I wasted my aunt's birthday by having her to sit under the sun for hours. Feels bad. But the graduation itself is nothing to me. If I haven't get a job, support parent, get my the darl into a western world, then I am still a loooooser. Next, the OPT thing... I got accepted quite early, but sadly my aniki did not  get his approval until like a month later or so. But in the end everything went fine for the both of us.

The wedding was interesting, as it was my first time going into a western style wedding. I first learned the existential of "Tea Ceremony" where the bridge and groom has to offer tea to the elders (based on asian tradition). I was told that this was common, but apparently out of the 1000 asian wedding I went, I have never been invited into 1, so I never learned about it. But out of all, I was able to meet many of Uncle Ong's cool family. They were chill and such that I really felt like at home. At first I didn't want to go, but in the end of the day.... I didn't want to leave. Very nice people and very nice wedding.... It was held at a place where I could see the desert mountains. I like the place they chose, with the only downside being under the sun and it was blindingly bright during the ceremony. Other than that.... oh I also regret ordering fish than beef, because beef menu was filet mignon, whereas the fish is just sea bass.... which are cheaper. Very angry but oh wells, it was still good and that is all that matters.

Now my life is back to the old grind where I have to impress my PI by working hard. Thank god the projects that I received was in line with my interest. But other than that I really have no idea what comes next. I wonder if there is anything major that is due or have to be done soon.... Maybe just try to apply to graduate school? For grad school, I would love to stay or go to CA. If CA, I would want it to be a school where I can get funding for my entire study time... If not I will be in damnation of always using parent's money. But as of now, I really don't know what is coming. I say this because I typically have something that I usually nervous about.... Oh, I am applying for the unescorted access to large nuclear material, which takes about a few months to process? And at the process, the FBI will be looking into me deeply. Well,  I am not too scared by this because, as far as I am aware of, I have never done any wrong or crime in the life that I have lived (other than lying about my homework being eaten by a cicak).

I guess that's much as I can report. Oh... I finally met that girl again. Well the word "finally" is not really correct, but more like... I see her again... that person from the "hella" lab. Not real name, but that PI was so bad that my experience in his/her lab was like hell. Back to topic,  I met the same person I used to work with in that lab. You probably won't understand who I am referring to today, because I purposefully written her story in a hidden side of the blog. And no, we are not going back to find that hidden blog now. But basically this person almost pulled me out of my current relationship. She did nothing, it was all on me. AND NO, WE ARE NOT GOING TO FIND THAT HIDDEN POST UWU. Back to story, I met her again, now at my current work place. She looks exactly the same. I wonder if she is working in the same institute as I am now or something. It was already 6 pm though. I know she always came in late to lab back when I used to work with her, but that was because of class and stuff. I wonder if she also taking 2 lab positions as she did before. But that would mean that she is working more as a technician than researcher. I am quite curious on what she is doing currently. She was actually the person that drove me to have 2 research experience at the same time. But I never told her anything about it. I never want to tell her that I wanted to challenge her, but this is more for myself. "If she can do it, so can I," was the saying that I had in my head when I first heard from my ex-PI that she is working for 2 different lab at the same time. And for that, I was her "silent challenger,"  by working in 2 different lab at the same time, while also taking hard ass classes. The moment I saw her was when she went down off the shuttle and our eyes met, we said hi, but both of us just walked passed, me going into the shuttle, she walked to whatever place she wanted to go to. At that brief moment.... I recall a little of the past where I met and worked with her. My mind stopped working as I recall the face of that ex-PI of mine. Oh I saw her during my graduation. Saw her, and immediately was pissed by her as she doesn't say hi back to me. Freaking PI..... she saw me and acted like she never knew me. I worked my ass hard for her but she never guide me right. In the end of the day.... seeing my old PI was very unpleasant. Now to think about it... is she still working with my ex-PI? Next time I see her, I'll pin her down and ask her about her life, or atleast, about how is my dear ex-PI doing.

To think about it, the next story is about my a the darl. She couldn't get a job and her parents are like grinding her to get one and seem to use more of emotion than intellect to keep her having the "drive" to get a job fast. I discussed this with her before: But perfections doesn't come with being hurried. What I am trying to say is, when people or parents are desperate, they tend to use emotion to want things to get done, but at the same time, not very efficient and also drives other people or their kids to fall into mental depression. I know this well because it was well written on my blog.... part... 2? I described well the drama I had at home. Where I was pushed hard to get into Fall quarter to start my education. I chose winter quarter and my parents were unhappy and immediately assumed that I am lazy, picking romance over future, stupid, etc etc. The more I think about it the more I have no doubt that my parents were just flooded with fear of thinking that I have been influenced to be a "bad person" or someone that they totally do want to have. It was, of course, very sad on my side, where parents don't support your thinking, even though I logically had planned everything, just to be fired with ideology that are only supported by emotions. In the end, my choice had brought me good experience of life in college and university. I regret nothing over my choice. I ended in a lab where I am given 3 projects that can be used to support my entry to grad school better than other candidates. I am lucky to be where I am now. My parents wanted me to go to school 3 months earlier, but would that choice bring me to where I am now? Probably same or better? I do doubt that. I get to where I am now by meeting right people at right time. Even my failures here had brought me to where I can excel better than others. What are the odds of me working in the same lab with the same work moral and such if I hadn't been exposed to the failure that I was supposed to receive and learn from? Just what are the odds of me going into a the same place or better? A stem cell lab that gave me 3 projects relating to cancer and aging? Name me a more interesting lab and project than that! What I am trying to say is.... just by 3 months later than normal application, I probably had gotten a good or better life. I mean there could still be chance of me ended up in the same place, but again, what are the odds? If I hadn't sacrificed 3 more months being with my darl, both of us... agreed that we might not be able to last as long as we are now. I also ended up graduating from my college at the same time if I had came in 3 months earlier, but would I be the same person? If I had broken up with my darl, would I still have the drive to move forward as today? Maybe yes and no. There's a chance I might get someone here and of course get citizenship in a blink. That's all cool and stuff, but will my application to grad school be as great as I have now? How much depression would I fall into if I had to break with darl?
One can argue it could be better and not, but the idea is, I still did not fail as of now. I am actually doing better than I thought I would do actually..... Back to the main idea.... Don't let your parents' emotion influence your future choice. Make your own logical decision and stick to it. Outcome my be better or worst or same, just don't regret not following your own instinct. And again...  don't randomly assume that you know better than your parents or elderly, I was like this because I knew their logic were based on emotion and were full of doubts. If your parents gave you a logical statement with little to no emotions infused, then you might want to listen to them. My parents always force me to graduate fast, but that idea only works if you are in business major (correct me if I am wrong), and atleast, definitely not my major. I had followed what they wanted me to do, which is to study fast and graduate fast, I would 100% not be in good condition to go to grad school, as my field of study requires me to have as much research experience more than grades. If I graduate early, I would have taken away my chances of doing as much undergrad research as I should atleast have, and that would not lead me anywhere, as no one would even want to hire me. Like that neighbor that my parents used to compare me to.... He is also in bio-related major as I am, but all he did was to get good grade and graduate earlier. And that's when the problem came in. He couldn't find a job and from then on, my mother had never shared me his story or compared me to him anymore. Now to make it even worst, I heard many universities are dropping the GRE system (a  standardized exam), so your application is weighted heavily on good research experience. And as of me, if my projects can really move to how I wish, my name would atleast be at the top 10 to 5% of best applicant. So really.... my entire point is... I made it to where I want to be by listening to my own belief. I know my gamble and I played it right. But don't interpret me wrongly, if you are not rational and drive your choices mostly by emotion, then you should NOT LISTEN TO YOURSELF. Seem like as long as you are rational (don't simply assume that you are though), you can move correctly. It's kind of weird though....to think about it,  how do you know that you are a rational person? when can you start to listen to yourself and not others? When are you sure that you are right? All I know was that I could closely predict the logical order of possible future back then. If I go early..... less interaction with darl, high chance of breaking up, sad life in USA, no motivation to move forward. If I go a little later the chances of breaking up is lower (as we spend more time together and know about each other more deeply), and hence I can focus on my studies better; which overall lead me to a better life. The latter choice had brought me a good life, and I can't say too much about the former. And how did I get this kind of thinking without doubting myself that I might be super wrong? Failure, I am one of the biggest loser in my class. I acted like shit and stuff while at the same time, practiced my skill of logical thinking. I learned all emotion driven actions always end up in failure, whereas logical thinking are the ones that saved me. I practiced logical thinking in high school as I knew damn well that I had nothing to lose, other than friend or dignity. I trained my thinking since then, and that's how I was able to chose my own path without getting into as much doubt. All that matter is, I was able to make a choice without being influenced by my parent. Now I recall that there are times where I made my choice and my parents still try to persuade me to go earlier. I am quite proud of myself that I am capable of sticking to my own belief/gamble, even after being roasted everyday at home by my very own parents. Kind of annoying though. They were not happy with my choice and tried to control me. To think about it, did the relationship with my darl also made me into such a confident person?  Because I recall that I was a person who's easily affected by other people's words, especially by my own parents. If I had gone into the former choice and fail ultimately as predicted by my gamble, who would I blame? My parents or myself? Regardless, I will to live with an eternal regret, and that's what I want to avoid. One of the reason I was able to keep on to my gamble is because I know the feeling of following the choice that is not made by my own will, and to ultimately end up in regret. And let me share with you that the feeling of regret by not following other people's words are not as painful (sometimes the regret just fades away real quick from me... as soon as I learn from the mistake of course...) as regretting from not to follow your own instinct (I have a couple of this regret since high school, and some of them still haunts me up till today, eventhough they were not very important to me). I am happy that I had been experiencing failures when the stakes was so low, but in turn, I learned a lot about decision making for myself. If you are a parent and is currently reading this, please do not force your kids to do something out of emotions, you would probably destroy them internally. Please do not throw away their self esteem if you can.... So what's of my relationship with my parent now? All I can say is better. I was given the chance of going back hometown to visit my GF and see my parents once more, and luckly this time, they never compared me to anyone anymore and I was given the smiles that I have wanted to see. From then on... though the trip was just a total of a month, I was able to fix my self and forgive them of their past mistakes on me. If they had not wanted me to go back, I would probably still in hatred and not contact them as often as I do now. I recall there was a time, before my visit back from US, I did not call my parents for 2-3 months straight. Now at least every week or 2 weeks there are calls between me and the family. I've been like ranting about this for hours, probably the essay if full of repetition by this point. Here are some favorite quotes I got my captain Levi:

"The only thing we're allowed to do... is to believe that we won't regret the choice we made."


"I don't know which option you should choose. I could never advise you on that... No matter what kind of wisdom dictates you the option you pick, no one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong until you arrive to some sort of outcome from your choice."

With all of that. I'll end this post as I am going to continue reading some research papers regarding aging and such.

Silent Challenger

Greetings to whoever is following this blog. Actually I don't think there's anyone, as my viewer calculator said zero. Am not sad , as I never plan this blog to be those blog that anyone would follow crazily. In addition, my broken English probably repelled many out there from following this blog.

I am writing this post for giving future self a note that I have graduated with a Bachelor of Science's degree in Molecular, Cellular and Developmental Biology, and now I am waiting for my EAD card to be approved. I hope it comes out by this month.... As of now, I am learning a little of R and Python programming language because why not. Actually because I don't see how I can advance forward without programming background in my future. Most of biological data are going to be in expressed with computer and we must know how to read, access and interpret those data.

I wasn't very motivated at first because I felt that I needed a break from studies and such, but feelings change after I finished reading the Beta Version of the novel I described on my previous post. The story itself is indeed very different from the Alpha version. I read only the deaf girl's route, as her's wasn't satisfying on the alpha route. The beta story had more story and richer than the alpha version's, however, there were a lot of grammatical errors, as expected from it's beta status. I love the story as how it address the handicap that the girl has, more than in the alpha version, where the issue of being deaf (it's disadvantage and, surprisingly, advantage) is not played as strongly. The alpha version only talked about how her competitiveness got the best out of her, whereas in beta version, the problem came from her deafness itself. I heard the written purposefully wanted to make this character less of a handicap, and more of a normal person. I understand what he/she wanted, as there are people out there who are handicap but lives normally and mostly deal with problems outside of being handicap. However, making a unique story has its downside, that it may not address much of the theme. I came to this novel, wanting to understand how broken people cope with life, and not super interested with stories that are commonly told in typical high school shounen/shoujo. But that's just my trashy opinion. Also the story in the beta is less corny as the one in the alpha. But the beta is darker than the alpha, as someone suicides in the story, but I think the writer justified that part well. Aside the grammar though, reading a beta story has its major downside, which is the writing on minor part of the story. Many minor parts are skipped, for example when the 2 characters were going on a date, the novel skipped the entire date and explained that both came home... and that's it. A lot of short time skips, but certainly we could imagine that nothing major happened. The main reason I felt motivated is because the beta version is great, and I was able to embrace the girl's philosophy in relationship, more than in the alpha version. Both in alpha and beta, the girl had the believe that one must challenge the other in order for both of them to grow. I didn't buy this statement as much on the alpha version, as the story itself pissed me off and I wasn't able to appreciate the content as much. But now I am into her even more, and I had this feeling that I want her even more. Just to clarify, I am already satisfied with my current lover, as loyalty is my main priority. However, I do like girls that challenges life itself, which drives me to want to beat her. My lover though, is a very chill person, so sometimes I just never had the drive to make myself better. The only motivation I have is to get a good job, get citizenship else where, and immigrate her with me. But other than that.... nothing really had driven me to be a competitive person. But as I read the novel, I had this feeling of familiarity of trying to surpass someone before. That was none other than the person I described mediumly in the 1st blog. I believe, it was her that I tried to beat, that's why my grade skyrocketed from ABCDE, to AAAAA. And just recently, I got from my lover that she was interviewed and posted in the university and linkedin website.

Link: https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:6551429078912729088/

I must say, she always beat me in something. I think she's the first in my class to have this kind of acknowledgement? I don't know what this is called, Joan please tell me. I expected other A* students to earn these kind of recognition faster than her. No offence, but I always thought Nat would be the one who would come out in the newspaper or online paper or something. But the idea is.... when I read her post, while Skyping my darl, I had the feeling of guilt. I did bad things to her and I really want to apologize. All I had in mind is how she built her life so well that her luck is always high, in terms of academic and career wise. I can't stop this feeling of wanting to praise her and... most of all... apologize for my stupidity. With negativity aside.... I want to see her as my challenge again. Trying to surpass her silently, so I have the motivation to move on. I do hope that she will get published again or something so I can get more motivation to do things that can sharpen my future.

With the main points written, I should end this now, as Im hungry, and this blog supposed to act as my data collection, to see if Zipf's Law plays in my writing.

Silent Challenger