25 Years of raid

 One battle that I have been battling, is the demons in me. Just like in a MMO-RPG what they share in common is the bosses have different skills for attacking and we need to have our proper strategy for fighting a given boss. 

Now what is this I am saying? Everyone has their inner demon and that's a given. I don't know and don't bother looking up what people call them commonly, but it is a weakness one has in general. Do you feel like you have been giving, but never then be repaid? That to me is your inner demon working on you. You may be the one that's giving but say to yourself that it is the goodwill of God to do so. But how can you be so sure that it is not the false statement of you demon? How can one be good, but one that is also not drain one self from being to good? I am not considering creating non-profit charity or organization for helping the need falls into this cat4egory by the way; rather I am referring to one that is always giving when they themselves also don't have anything to give to one self, which also to be clear, excludes the love a parent gives. That's one example, and others are as common as prejudice related intentions, including but not limited to racism and sexism.

 One problem with the society since long ago is some people decide to take these weaknesses/demons and try to justify that they are that way and others should accept their "opinion." It gets more ridiculous for those who used this for their free speech movements and cause despair in the general population that it is helping. Fear, is a common drive to this. Fear upon the unknown is natural, however, creating one believe and justifying it as correct is just another act of stupidly, especially not trying to understand science/logic in general. 

Although I can blab on how some people can really be fixated in becoming very naive and not chaging, here, I'll list the battles and perhaps victories I have over the demon I have in me.

One thing clear, I choose to destroy the demon in me than actually justifying their presence in me.

1) Fear 

The demon fear is one that I have in me for some time of my life, which also is the common one in the major popultion. I fear the unknown and had the options to either spread the fear or to keep it in me. I could, fear things because my imagination is acting up, and I can easily tell when it happens; though calming it down is hard. Just like how some religions spread fear from their God, I for one, don't think I should fear my God. Why? Simple, I live a proper and helpful life, I am good. Others? They can worship their deity and have their own god judge them and my God don't probably give a shit about them. Why should I worship a bad idol? Another thing that makes my mind easier to process this ie because I grew up in a multi-cultural places, hence I learn that everyone with different religion can actually be good and not fearing their God, and also not telling me to convert and be worshiping their god. I actually once believed that my God is also to be feared, but upon performing "rituals" that I thought is necessary for me to get out of damnation, I learned those self-hurting rituals did not work and in fact, my life has been so much better without it. Like as if my God is telling me that there's no need for a despair to have a better luck/future. From then on, I truly have removed the fear of deity and future, as now that I look at my surrounding... where people are suffering from their own life, I must say I am grateful for me to be who am I today. 

2) Illusion of Power

Being born a male in a species that's predominantly patriarchy, I began with the most stereotype thinking ever regarding gender inequalities. However throughout my growing, I notice that not all females are weak. There are some strong ones and smarts ones than majority of the males exist in this world. It is more evident of me when I started dating. My exertion of man-power was at its upmost digesting. Why, just because I am an XY chromosome creature, I have to think that I am better? Truly grateful I have such a patient wifey that made me a better person today, and not like most males out there that's always exerting their stereotype power. But how is it they can change though? I am very lucky, but of many others, I don't know how they can change other than someone they love actually nurtures them and they are also willing to learn. 

Racism is a thing that I don't have since the get go since I grew up in a multi cultural place, so it's never in my system to defeat.

3) Revenge

I started as a person who curses and love to be in hate and drama. It was only until recently that I learned, the time I curse a person, I get it back onto me, it's like a reflect. Another is to utilize the idea of getting back for getting something bad on me. To a certain extent, it is still in me, but in general I used to think badly about someone for being not nice to me (including when I also was the one who started it) and I'd imagine ways to spread the hate and bring back to that person. But now? I learned that most of those problems that I hated and wishing for revenge for are nothing but child plays. It's almost so dumb that I'd take revenge for even someone talking shit about me. Like what, those are just words. Not like they should define me or anything. But criticism are different, those I take in with me, however those without credentials who talk as if they are smart, I usually ignore because they are probably suffering from their demons that they probably have been comfortably living with. For me, I defeat this by logic. As simple as, will those words actually affect my future? If no, don't care. If yes, probably care. But how often it is that it doesn't affect my future? I notice is 100% as of now. Ya, no one's word I remember actually would affect my future. I can still express disgust upon a person for their story, but main point I decide not to take shits personally. I filter the goods and the bad, not ignoring all, but process if the statements given to me are actually useful for my growth or not. 

4) Assumption and Fear

The demon of assumption is a scary one these days as it is the reason how pseudoscience people think. This and that correlated, and AHA it is connected. Very common in anti-vaxxers as well as flat earthers, the ones that would use highly assumption ruled works and justify their fact, with out knowing those who actually made those facts are the ones purposefully control the string to rule these people out of their caves. I have long removed this actually, since I went to the world of science and research, where I know, it is not probably controlled by the government for faking or tracking people. Also one thing out of this that I don't udnerstand, is why people are so scared in the first place of having microchips in them? Like what? A FBI gonna watch you all the time? Please Susan, no body gives a  SHIT about your life. Also if you don't do bad deeds then why fear? As if they want to see your ragged body every 30 mins. Don't.... flatter yourself please. 

5) Segregation and fear

I also grew up with the ideology of not accepting diverse sex identity as the hyper conservative place I grew up in doesn't accept them. This is also tanks to my wifey as well as being in the USA, that essentially, everyone's the same. Gay/lesbians/queer/w.e. like they all acts like normal people, so what's there to discriminate? This is of course gets defeated by exposure and logic (they act like other people, hence they are? That's right, normal people). This is actually what I hate from some countries that highly enforces law from before dark age. Like as if their civilization then is good? Some people just want to justify the power from the past in order to maintain power (which also could be driven by fear). At this point I don't know what to say other than wowing on people who are so driven by fear and decides to embrace them. 

Fighting all of these sounds like it is simple... Like yea essentially use logic right? Yea, but it is also given that emotion is stronger than your logic. Your emotion is the first key to unlock logical thinking, but certainly some people who never acknowledge their demons would not even recognize their demons and actually just think that their are correct and logical. 

In summary, I ended up a very... lax person after all these years. Not very ignorant because that is also another type of demon that I have yet to understand in me (Ignorance). Feels good though... living without prejudices and hate and segregation. 

Life... is actually good after 25 Years of raid.

Dungeon Life

 It is withou saying that I am always in love with the life of adventuring in a fantasy world. The wild idea of going into the unknown and destroy monsters to get loot and experiences is without a doubt my everyday fantasy and view of freedom. So what are my sources of fanatsy dreams? Alot actually, and every day few months I get a new anime/manga/games that would fuel new or ongoing stories I have in my head. 

But I do want to mention one RPG game that happens to be the one of the strongest ones that drives my dungeon dream from time to time. Interestingly it is just a custom map from Warcraft 3 called TWRPG. Like the chances of one getting to know this game is really low in the world as it is just, again, a custom map in a bigger game. However the community is not too small either, a few hundred in NA community, and about thousands in Korea and China community. A very unlikely source of RPG experience, but boy did I have some wild experiences in this community. 

The story began when I literally, without knowing, played the hacked map; it was called Shan RPG. At that time Warcraft 3 was my only source of RPG games and the gameplay of this custom map was very well made and I was truly awed by it. From time to time I joined the map hosted in Garena and I soon recruited my younger brother to play as well with me. I started playing as a Bowmaster with the name of 
"Chaika" really because I was super big fan of that anime back then. It is also odd that the class I always pick first in an RPG is usually a Bowmaster for whatever reason other than it is ranged unit.  I remember a few moments where I played with my brother for 30 minutes trying to take down Demon Lord Beriel because back then it was one of the harder boss to kill, and the drop rate is also very low. I also remember trapping a Summon Boss by a tree and then summon it there so it get stuck and I get to kill from far away. 

For whatever reason, I stopped playing for abit. Then I started playing again during my sophomore year during my community college life. And that was when I think Garena community was still there because it was the time that I complained about the game as that was when I just realized that Replays are important, and the one I have been playing was a hacked map. Ofcourse I was basically an unintended criminal for a little bit, but luckily I wasn't reported as a full hacker and get banned. So I created a new Bowmaster and played with a group of people before leaving the game because Ent gaming portal was down and I had no idea how to play with anyone anymore. 

Fast forward to 2 years ago, 2 weeks before Halloween. I ended up starting in Battle net where I ended up purchasing the full legit game. And that's when I get into the adventure today. I joined random lobbies, get to play with certain groups, and at times get kicked by someone named Juggy as he doesn't want random people to join his game. I still played until I ended up carrying a person we called pin alongside the people he play with. That's the beginning of me in a real group of gamers. He set up his group and I was in it and we progress and regress at times, which is of course the fun of this game. Some join as some left, and that's the nature of games. That's until I entered mii/phony group, which was apparently one of the best group in Eng community. That's all fun and shit though my progress on my Bow master was slow as fuck. It was odd because to build, the back then best Bow, the God Bow, I had to underwent suffer where Essence of Storm never drop  and I saw ~15 Aegis of storm drops before I see Essence drop (note that both Essence of Storm and Aegis of Storm has the same drop rate). I still remember that day when the drop rate for full house turned to 100% increase and I gamed with my group until 4-5am. And I also remembered that I dreamt of the item that I wanted dropped twice. It was a total nightmare, but eventually I received it from Turtle's group. Now comes the last material, Spearhead of Death. That took me months before it even drop, and the funny thing is, it dropped during the Summer event at the Volley ball, which is supposed to be much much more rare than from the normal boss itself. But that's how I finally got my then end game weapon. Later on, I was finally dragged to the then new end game boss, Agareth, and boy was it suffering as it was not an easy one to kill when we first started. 

However, like karma chameleon, things come and goes, and so do the group after a dispute over certain problem which shattered the group and ended the life. Though I wasn't around during those period (I was doing my school application), it was still sad that things like this happened. I ended up backing to the life of gacha game, which was Fate Grand Order for many months. I used up a lot of money and learned that it was very toxic for my behavior; but I still play till today anyways.

When life comes to kind of dull and boring, suddenly one of the ex member, Idol as we call him, suddenly pulled all of us together and play again. We technically are not a group, as no one is mandating a proper group set up and what not, but we just play again. This time however, I learned that I am quite bored of playing one same unit, so I decided to play another, which is Phantom Blade, due to its unique playstyle and of course, 2B skin. And that's what led to today's dungeon life. though some people betrayed to Masin, but still, I am grateful that the same people are back at it again with a new policy to prevent whatever happened before that shattered the group from ever happening again. 

Dungeon Life

Well... Perhaps?

Maybe deviating away from the previous post I want to make of, but I guess I'll just state it here. 

This week I got back from 3 of IDK amount of universities I applied has replied/respond to my application. though only UC Davis of the 3 rejected me, I made a thought about it. It said that 400 students applied for 20 spots in the university, which is literally only 5% acceptance rate ish, assuming all the applicants are equally good. what I have in mind is what about the higher end schools that I applied then? Stanford? MIT? Harvard? Like why do I dream of these schools to even consider me if they are also just like UC Davis? surely is not wrong to dream and apply, but the audacity of me to feel so special that these schools would consider me is what I have been questioning. Surely there are other applicants who are much better than me. Like performed more outreach program than me? Better grades than me? Stronger letter of recommendation than me for sure. 

What do I say all these is because lately I have been dreaming of perhaps going back to my high school and tell them that even a not-so-great-student like me, who scored 6/40 for one of his maths test is able to climb up high into a super good school in the US, in the hopes to motivate students who were just like me to start dream big from younger age. I have started to seriously thinking of guiding the future students in my home country/Kuching to their success, and don't let them feel getting straight A* is the only way to succeed. Sure, A* is a nice grade for entering good school, but it is not the only way. I want them to not feel special and such, in a way, to tell some people like my old self that they are worth in some special subject and being good in all subject doesn't mean they are 1000% successful. I truly hope to stop the younger generations from destroying their self-esteem as confidence, I learned, is the most important key to be successful. 

If there's 400 that applied to UC Davis, then what of the high grade schools that I applied to? 700? 900? 1000? Regardless, what are the odds that I am someone special in those list of students? Surely there are a crap ton of students out there who have achieved more than me, found more novel stuffs than me, or perhaps have direct relation to someone from the institution. All to say I ain't super special. Could my application really is on some stacks of ignored applicants in the office now? Perhaps awaiting for someone to take the stash and send them emails that they are rejected? 

Am I a fool who always dream big but never really achieved anything? Did I really think that I could get into those schools? Why do I have hope in the first place? 

Am I just a normal student who would only get into normal school and normal life? 

Well... Perhaps? 

Ephemeral Experiences I

 Certainly some experiences we go through may or may not last very long. At points I do think that a certain moment of my life would stay with me for years to come. But certainly the rule of life doesn't allow me to experience those.

Just like pain, good experiences would one day break down and cease to exist. I am not talking about the loss of life, but rather those "summer minecraft memory of 2010 memory" kind of thing. Yes is about gaming. For those who don't game, it is a weird thing where you met some people you don't know online, but to later spend so much time with them and actually gave you good gaming memory. Those people mostly comes and leaves without any means of you to contact them once again as they move on to play something else. But the problem is not longer that evident as something like discord would allow gamers to always connect to each other even if they have moved on to other games. 

I am writing this down because I wished I could write my past experiences together about gaming here as well, but I couldn't as the only memory I had was nothing but an imagine or short clips of those experiences. 

Let's begin with the very first memory....

Maplestory. A very fucked up game where I gave my all just to get hacked. I knew about this game because of my older brother. I went to his friend's birthday party, I think her name is Stephanie or something, where she showed him the game. I recall I said I want to try too, and she immediately told me "no, you can't play." I understood that she doesn't want everyone in the house to play her account, but fuck her and her fully pimpled face. After I got my own PC, I tried downloading it like a bazillion times just to get failed installation. Apparently the application was so senstivie that if I clicked the loading bar or do something else, it would crash. 

I began as bowmaster, with the name Kushluk, the traitorous leader in Genghis Khan's army or something. Then I remember using my whole weekend or something to play that bitch ass game to level the fuck up. Back then leveling to 30 takes about a week of gameplay (now if you have the gear and cash item, you can go to level 200 in 1 hour 30 min).  Back then grinding was such an intense shit but fun. I even remember using my own money to buy cash, but to later be accused of getting scammed and beaten up by my parents. Good memories. 

I got to level 70 after like what, half a year? But later my friend was so into my character that he helped me grind my hero with hacks, which later caused my account to be banned for 8 years (i think i should be able to play that account now since this was like 10 years ago). During those times, truly my memory of having fun is undeniable. My grinding for level and items... my times when I literally went to Free Market and ask for a GF. I got a GF and I literally added her in my Facebook. From this game, I united my classmates to play and I genuinely was so fond of those memories of being a loser and spread it to my class. Back then for what it felt like forever, had to end as maplesotry was already losing it reputation even before I graduate high school. I certainly played a lot of other private servers, which gave me the fun, but in the end it wasn't as much fun as the original maple where I played with the whole class. I played lao shu ai ta mi on repeat and from then everytime I play this song, I recalled those times in maplestory. 

During the same timeline as Maplestory, or even before (actually it is before MS), that I played Warcraft 3 custom maps. Playing in garena was one of those memories I can't forget. Sad that garena actually removed this very to quality option of playing TFE3 maps, but oh wells. Almost every other Saturdays, I went to the pregnant lady's house to play random custom maps with others from the class. DOTA was one of those, but I quickly lose interest in DOTA. I remember Ghost Park and some other shits that I played back then. I don't have much strong memories of WC3 before, but I'll get to more later. 

I honestly I don't remember much of other games I playted during high schools other than those mentioned, as well as counter strike I guess, but I don't play CS as much before. Oh I do play GTA SA given from the very own big boy from my class. It honestly was a very cool game where I get to mod lots of shits to make better car or planes or what the fuck ever skin I want for my self. And from that I get called to his house just for me to help him get the skins for him. 

Guess that's all I have, but I do have a more recent and stronger memories that I hopefully will write here soon before I forget my shits. 

Ephemeral Experiences I

...

 A: Imagination, a very handy tool for the advancement of humanity. Yet if used wrongly , it can be used to degrade their creators. 

Me: That sounds hella obvious and gae, so what's this about?

A: Depending on your nature, imagination itself is unstoppable when you don't desire them. As long as it sparked, you'll have it in your head for awhile. And some people have vivid memories of their imagination from when they are a kid, of something that they view as demonic or paranormal. In any case, what's your first few memories of fear that you remember up to today.

Me: Uhh.... there is two. The first one was.... about an asteriod i saw from the planetorium in Kuching and another is something that I... perhaps dreamt of but was vivid.

Me: The one girl or creature.... I know its name is Okamayashi or just Mayashi. I think it was devried from some snack I used to eat when I was like 5-7. 

A: Describe her appearance.

Me:  It has a long face. Just imagine god made human body, but decided to put a cylinder as a head. Imagine the cylinder is placed perpendicularly to the neck at its mid points, but when its walk or look at people, its head tilts about 45 degree so face side is at the front. It has a red circular blush on its "cheeks" and it has a very, circular, big crossed eyes. She also have hair, tied with some accessory that hangs from the hair. 

A: So what did it do to you?

Me: All it did was coming to my class as a transfer student, looked at us with her creepy face and said that everyone has to be her friend. But then I, who spoke for the class, rejected her. Funny enough I don't remember what happen then on. Was this a dream? Did I woke up from there? All I know is her vivid face and appearance until today. 

A: what about this asterioid thing?

Me: The planetorium in Kuching showed the disaster that a large meteorite could cause to humanity. What induced my fear was not the fact that a meteor could hit us at any moment but rather the picture used for the meteor. 

A: Describe?

Me: It probably was just a normal rock, but I pictured it as a brain with eyes on it. It could float and hunt me, that's all. I imagined it once floating from the bedroom door and creeped to me. 

A: What does it do to you? Or did?

Me: Literally nothing. Just that I was scared by it. 

A: so you basically feared it, but not fearing what it can do to you?

ME: very much yea. Maybe it wanna be friends with me I don't know? 

A: Fear, easily one of the things that drives you into submission, yet at time you don't even know what the factor that made you fear could actually do to you. 

Me: over thinking is not even the problem here. I fear for something, but that's it. I didn't fear what it could do, just its appearance brought  me to my knees. 

......

Me: so why are we....

A: Ok let's end here bye.

"..."

The most beautiful thing

As far as we all know it, and majority of the educated people in this world, knows the world is bound by science. Yet in us all, we seek fantasy life that would make our life more interesting. To satisfy our crave of a different world, we dream. But sad for us as that at the very end of all our dreams, is always us waking up. Never would we dream to wake up to have that world that we dream of to materialize. But what if we are able to do that? To create a world where it fills all our needs, and having scenarios that would make our life more colorful?

If that is true, that means we are a God or just a lone sentient creature in a dream world that would never end. If all of us can make our own scenarios, that would affect others, and what if they wised for another world too? Conflict of everyone's ideology would end up in chaos and cease to exist in harmony. Is this why the fundamental law of science tries to keep us away from? 

But what if I am the only one, or you potentially, that can change this world to the scenario that me or you wish for? Would I ask for a romantic scenario? Would I add a little of tragedy? But if I did, how would it be fun to venture a journey that I know the plot of?  Of course unless if I set my world, clear my memory and run this world till the end without my memory of designing this life. What if I asked for a better scenario after creating my 1st? Then would I be satisfied after that? Would I ask for another modification of my life again? If that happens.... then would I re-create a world that is perfect for me, and only me? The fact that I am able to create my own scenario is creepy. Does that mean that my life now is set by what I designed before I was born? I.... would not be super surprised I guess, as sometimes I do think that I am being guided by a divine entity, that could potentially be myself. Could we all be a God to ourselves? I doubt someone wants to live or born in a poverty setting though. I am actually quite tired to think about this discussion any further. I am typing this because I watched Your Name, which questioned if this world is just a world bound to science, and no fantasy are allowed in this world. What I really like from the movie is the theme of knowing something, or loved someone, but yet you can't recall about them, and you tloeft with the drive to find this thing you can't remember. But no, I don't want this theme to be driven by Alzheimer or concussion. 

I have my own scenario of life that, if fantasy can happen, I would love to happen. I tried to write my story down, but I ended up stop writing because it got too far in my own world that I don't wish to write them anymore. I wrote the beginning months ago. The theme is like Your Name, I went to a world with magic and shit, but I just can't remember my exact life from here. I retain the feeling of those I love, but I don't remember their name either. Same with many other people who got summoned into this world like me, they don't have a clue of their identity or the name of people they know from this world. The plot is to liberate this world so we can go back to our original world, but of course, the twist is what "liberate" means. And at the end of the story, I wouldn't remember anyone exactly from the dream world, except for their faces and some other fragment of memories I carry about the fantasy world.

Fantasy, truly not something that we can achieve in this world. Well maybe? Who knows my time is not up, or I'm just some secondary or background character in other people's fantasy world. I am not going to wait for my fantasy world to happen, I'll just live my life and hope for the better of myself because the last time I thought I know something is for sure be better for me (and her), ended up not. 

Will it happen, will it not at all? Still, to hope for the possibility itself is not wrong. 

Some things in life are beautiful because one can not achieve them. 

The most beautiful thing

The long ago Fantasia

It's 2020 and been a couple months since I last updated this page. I haven't had anything in my mind that drives me to write anything. Back when I was in romantic period of chasing a girl, I always rely on doing this in order to ease my mind. I am still in the same relationship for 5 years now, and I realize that the peak moment of my blog is when we first separate. From then on, I rarely write anything about my relationship. It's just so stable that I don't know what to say here or rant about.

So why am I here writing/typing today? It's because I told myself to write something now so I won't regret it in future that my blog is abandoned, and there is nothing that I can laugh or nostalgic about.
But ofcourse I came in today with a topic to write. It is about this person that I sometimes forget, but was somewhat a part of my life before.

Ok now that's awkward because I literally stopped at my 2nd paragraph and did not update until now... which is like 1 month.

Something I had in mind is the question of the girl from my 1st blog. It does seem like I could never stop writing......

Even more awkward as I just stopped and did not continue write this entry for another 1-2 months.

I'll just update now if not I probably forget later. First thing first, the idea of trying to apologize or again reconnect with Nia. I always thought of a way to talk with her, but it would have been awkward to just start talking now without context. What should I say? "Hi, it's been a long time, how are you doing?" That sounds real gey, but a sufficient way to start the conversation I say. I always get into a roadblock where I question myself "why does it even matter what I say after years of dormancy between us?" Like people have impression of first words or speech, but I have met her before and talked to her before for almost everyday. True that things ended up awkward between us, but why is it also I don't want to start any conversation? The fear of unknown I suppose? What is the unknown? Her replies? What would she feel or say? But does it even matter how others feel? The concept of me thinking about how she feels is legit based on her version inside my head. And her version inside my head hasn't been updated ever since 4-5 years ago, or maybe even more.

Logically, the best move for me is to just start talking to her, but the human emotion part of me denies that and don't want to involve unnecessary actions. I guess that's what makes us human. Though logic is more likely will give us better future, but the human of us limits us to what we can do and not be a total robot. This notion reminds me of the game Nier Automata, where the original Aliens who invaded Earth were perceived as "boring" by their own creations, as they only follow logic: "if something is broken (be it physical or social problems), then it will be fixed with no emotions" "if something is required for the sake of their race but not others, then they will do anything necessary for their own survival." The list goes on but the idea is they are a race of creatures that have zero emotions. And the main protagonist, of course, are pro-human, and that's why the Alien's creations (antagonist) are more interested in humans than their own kind. I won't spoil more on the story but the more I think about it the more I realize that we are a very dramatic creature. We seek drama as if it is necessary for our life. I don't mean drama in terms of K-drama or some other romantic/tragic story, but rather we use our emotion to guide ourself, and sometimes, but not always, diverge from doing something better. Let's say you are an introvert who doesn't talk to anyone, sit in corner everyday minding you own toughts. Others may say "take a look at him/her, acting all cool and shit." You may not want it, but the act of being different from others is considerably dramatic, as why can't you just be like other people and instead be very different. Another example is if you want were given the choice of doing something, but you ended up using your emotion to guide you, rather than logic. The most common example I see is people posting up emotional quotes or life updates in social medias about their life, like relationship for example, where they have hard time dealing with their partner, and instead of logically processing what is best for his/her relationship. Yes some probably they tried, but based a story I heard, the amount they "tried" is basically dumb. For one story, which is a friend of my girl friend who she knew for years. She had a boyfriend who only seeks short term relation ship and doesn't want to go beyond, in addition he demands deep physical interaction with her. Her, playing the "caretaker" let her boy friend does that, but he still doesn't consider deep relationship just because he got hurt before by his ex. And of course the girl is sad. She gave whatever she can to the boy, but the boy doesn't want to give his best to believe in her. Now, play that you are the girl, what would you do:

1) Try your best to learn his situation, find correct ways to wake him up from his nightmare and give him all you can to give him experiences that would make him acknowledge that you are not going to repeat his past. And in all cases that he doesn't want to change at all, you would just move on from the boy.

2) Try give the boy whatever he wants that doesn't actually help him, for example feeding him all the lust/pleasures he desires. Dismiss his "unpleasant behavior" with an excuse of "his is still 21, and he is still growing." Continuously get depressed from his behavior, and post emotional quotes/updates at Instagram. And probably quit the relationship when you get enough mental scar from doing this.

Many seeks part 2 as we are human. But there is something that may not support this idea of mine. What if logic was taught properly at early education, so people can grow to use logic more than emotions? Would that create a less dramatic society? I still believe that emotions will be there to judge an individual's action, but would cases like I describe above be less common? Something like science, maths they are logic, but we are forced to memorize them, rather than actually embrace the fact that logical approaches would lead to a correct answer. Maybe zero emotion can be acheived if someone is raised in a school where their reality is based on a society that should never show emotion, like an extreme army school I guess. Though they may not show emotions, I still believe somehow that those individuals still have a tiny or spark of emotion in them, waiting to burst out. What is human without emotions I guess.

I guess I derailed enough. Back to the main question, I would follow my human part to not talk to her now, but I would probably start the conversation at her birthday, where I can wish her and hopefully a seed would be planted then.


The long ago Fantasia