Marker

I actually have to make this quick because i want to sleep. Also note that I have alot of things to write, but not enough time. I also have to write my waiver for lab class this week, and prepare up for my Journal Club that is going to happen in 2 week time. 

So, recently I felt like my paper towel I have for my room have been teleporting to the bathroom. And ofcourse my prime suspect is that one K guy that have been ruining my house with his piss. To confirm this suspicion, I had set up trap for him in my room to make sure that he really did come by and took my paper towel, as he requires to use a ton of them due to the "diet" pill he is taking. Spoiler alert, diet pill causes the deactivation of fat digesting enzymes that would normally digest fat. So you can tell that the bathroom is dirty as fuck because the accumulation of fat gives the microbes in intestine to grow more rapidly, and lead to constant diarrhea. 

When I was setting up my trap, I did not use a vid cam since I wasn't in the mood to spend money for something like this. So what I did was the very well known marker of door opening, which is tape. I could just tape the bathroom door connecting to my room. But that is not foolproof at all, as I have another door leading to the living room, which he could access too. And I can't set up tape indicator as my trap, as he could simply notice the tape, place back the tape, and use the other door leading to the living room as well. Note that I can't tape the door leading to the living room because I have to exit the room somehow too, and the tape would have been useless practically. 

So what did I have to do, in order to have me know weather he entered my room or not? Do I have to gamble that he would not notice the tape? Do I have to gamble the fact that he may just not thought about me testing his presence in my room? Do I have to gamble that he used the bathroom door, and not the living room door? Do I have to gamble that he took the tissue roll and placed it back at the same exact place, and I can't tell the difference? 

With all those in mind, something came out in my head. A conversation of a father and a kid. 

Father: One should not gamble, as they are designed to drain one's cash eventually.

Kid: But what if one day I have to gamble no matter what?

Father: At that moment, you'll have to do what I am about to teach you... a method to gain victory during gamble. 

With that.... I knew what I should do. A fail proof method to identify if he entered the room or not. 

The following is set by this K's perspective.

K boy planned to enter T's room to steal his tissue paper. As he opened the door he noticed 3 tape strip hanging on the top of the door, and one on the bottom. He went in anyway and take my tissue paper. He pay to attention took a roll which was placed very obviously on my table. He went to the bathroom, used the roll and placed it back on the plastic bag he found. He retapped the top tape strip, and he removed the plastic bag on the floor that covered the tape strip, retape the door, and place the plastic bag back to where it was. He also noticed some tape strip on the door leading to living room as well. He tried to fix, but since he knew that he won't be able to fix it and not perturbed the other door's trap, he had no choice but to use the door leading to the living room as the exit. Also he did that because he knew I wouldn't be able to tell any way since I always use the door connecting to the living room to enter my room. So he then used the living room door and left to the bathroom. 

All in all, he had triggered 2 traps I set. 1 is a confirmation trap that he used my toilet roll, the other is just a trap to see if he actually noticed my bluff and tried to fixed it, or basically to confirm if he thinks I am fine having him to randomly enter my room. If he came in through the door via the living room and exit via that door only, I would know that he had entered and stole my roll anyway. Anyhow, I have set up a very simple trap. 

Let's go through how he had triggered my trap. The trap that is a little complex is the test to see if he thinks that entering my room is fine for him (not fine for me lol). If he entered via the bathroom door, and take my roll, he'll notice 5 strips of tapes that is located very obvious at my door leading to the living room. Note the door to the living room and to the bathroom is perpendicular to each other, at the corner of my room. So either way he has to see it and noticed that I set up tapes on both door before going back into the bathroom. The living room door 5 strips are just to get his attention that there are strips on the bathroom door as well, which are obvious when he walks toward the bathroom door. If he would fix that and exit via the front door, he would tape the 3 strips that I placed. 2 of them are just to guide him that there is 1 more tape at the bottom of the door. And when he moved the plastic bag away, put the strip back and place back my plastic bag, he triggered my trap/indicator if he tried to fix those tapes back together. This is a very simple physics, which is the idea of entropy. when he moved my bag, he have to grab it, place it as where, grab it and placed it back. Now, what are the odd of him capable of folding the plastic bag to how it was like before? Nearly zero, as it is a old plastic bag that can change shape with the slightest movement. and how did I able to confirm that, is by taking picture of it on 3 diff angle before I leave my house. the more he touches the bag, the more it changes. That's it. If he noticed the tapes and would try to fix them, he triggers that, if he doesn't then that answers that he doesn't care about just entering my room like that. There is one gamble that I make here, which is that we would never enter my room via living door room, as he always check on bathroom for toilet roll before entering my room. This would not be triggered if he entered my room via front door. All that complexity just to see if he cares about my privacy at all. Next, which is the most simplest trick that I don't think it is worth being called a trick at all, which is to give a small graphite mark on the tissue roll. If it is used just once, the marking will disappear ( as it is marked on the front most square of the roll), which shows that it is used by someone while I was gone. 

Was this the result? No. I wish though. I have wasted your time, so thank you and have a good day/night.

Misleading Opera

Probably not gonna that about what I promised before.

But I want to write about more regarding the statement "we perceive things as how we want it to be." I am pretty sure I wrote something similar to this back in the previous post. Instead of discussing this logic regarding to flatter ourselves by the action of another, I want to write more about how we use the same logic on song lyrics to justify our actions (or giving us false motivation).

I don't know if other humans are like this, but I tend to listen to songs back then and try to use the lyrics to motivate myself. But instead of really trying to understand what each sentence in the lyrics meant, I, either just listen to some parts of the song and skip the others or literally/VOLUNTARILY, make myself believe that the song 100% relates to my life so that I can feel as if I am not in the boat alone, eventhough the song has a different purpose/motive(?). And it is also funny that when we look back at some of these songs that we listened to during our "love phase," we noticed that some of the lyrics don't actually meant what you believe it was before. 

Note that i am not typing these at home, I am actually in UW Southlake Union right now, sitting using a desk formally used by a post doc name Mario, waiting for my virgin UAS-Dcr2; nos-Gal4 virgins to hatch (need to cross them later with the Atg RNAi lines, as well as Tsc RNAi lines).

Back to topic, I want to emphasize the fact that I do not know if anyone of you were as stupid as me, in terms of trying to do the above (the song part). So if I am really that retarded, then I.... am retarded.... Whatever.... Instead of me going through theories, I would rather just use a song that I engraved in my heart long ago, back when I was still in the 1st blog drama.

I will write the lyrics, as well as how I'll define the lyrics as before and today.

Song title: Heaven Knows, by Rick Price

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up 'til I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

Before and Now: I see this part similarly to how I interpret it before. It's really like a weird feeling where she is always on your mind, whenever/wherever you are. I recall it was very taxing to have such a feeling, but I wasn't able to get out of it. The worst is when I start laughing/giggling at anything, her face would have popped out in my head a second after that. Could that be me trying to relate her to my happiness?

And though she's so far away
It just keeps gettin' stronger, every day
And even now she's gone

Before: I always see it as she is so close, yet so far, eventhough it is vague here. The "gone" I believed in the past was when she no longer want to look into me as her potential, where in actual fact, she never had. 

Now: I just think this part is trying to convey the idea that the girl had physically moved out town, yet the singer still builds his lover for her; probably because the singer and the guy were already dating and somehow they break up, and the guy finally see how separation has made him realized how much he actually loved her. 

I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't want to let her go

Before: I conveyed to myself hard that this means "I am hoping that she would just like me back... somehow." When I was like this, I also begged the question of how to maintain my emotion like that forever? What should I do in order to get her like me and break me out of the misery? Where should I start? And all I know is, I don't want to stop loving her because I was desperate in trying to get her out of her sad life as well. I recall I always see her life as "some one who's lost." And to guide someone out of that is what I would sacrifice myself for.

Now: Probably he realized how much she was important to him, and he begged the question on how to get this girl back to him (where should he start?). And the 2 lines are obviously because of the same reason, he can't leave her because he just realized her value to his life. This song actually fits in the  summarized scenario of :couples fight, break, boy regret, girl find other boy, boy sad, boy make song. 

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Before: As memory serves, I always never had the 1st part understood and i randomly perceive is as some other lyric. "Maybe my love will come back some day" I took this as if my definition of love, or my quest of love itself has lost its meaning because I am in love with someone that probably don't love me back. Which... is still considered "love," so I don't know how I went so far in trying to twist the lyrics, where I knew it wasn't defining what the lyrics meant. The rest is pretty similar to how I see it today.

Now: When he say "my love" he probably is referring to the girl. It's quite a common pet calling(?) where someone calls their significant others "my love." And the rest is basically hoping that the girl would love him back again, and that's why all he can do is hope and pray. What would happen if he just aggressively chase after her though? 

My friends keep tellin' me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
But tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't want to let her go

Before: 1st 3 lines is as obvious as it is. I did not misled this part because someone in my class literally said the same thing to me. What is weird is the 4th and 5th line. I took those lines before as separate sentences. I took the 4th line as "As if she returns in kind," which made myself meant "as if she would return to me and love me directly ( I honestly thought this quantum defying thing could happen)." And the 5th line as just "I know she's mine," which obviously trying to further fool myself that she is fated to be mine. This shows just how loving someone could make yourself blinder than a blind person. 

Now: The 3rd line is connected to the 4th and 5th line. If he set her free, he could finally attain peace in himself. 4th line is more of saying "who knows if she would come back," so not only the guy would attain peace in himself, but he also would still be playing the chance of having the woman coming back to him. And if that happens, that would be great, since 1) the guy doesn't have to continuously suffer while waiting (or he could just not wait), 2) if she returns, all he got to do is to began loving her back and 3) when a woman/man comes back after hardship, usually is because they have finally opened themselves to change that had cause the hole in the relationship. If he doesn't let her go, he'd probably just suffer, at the same time waiting on the person to come back.  I probably could summarize this part as "if you see your best friend suffer of love, you would tell them to move on and if she comes back, then oh lalala).

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there

Before: 1st line same, only 2nd and 3rd  line. I took the 2nd and 3rd as one sentence and slightly misled the lyrics. I said it as "Cause why we go dreaming, while I know she's never there." It's really funny that I LITERALLY added words that were never there, yet at that time I believed real hard that they where there when I listened to it 911 times. I don't have to explain why I heard what I heard since it is quite clear to you what I am trying to convey in that part.

Now: I think he is just in agony because as long as he exist to love her, she is never there. I honestly still IDK in this part.

And all the time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so

Before: I literally ignored this part, since I had no idea how it would biasly relate to me.

Now: Still IDK.

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows


Well that's all about it. As we can see, we perceive things as how we want them to be. And it gets worst when you are in love. Just how pathetic we (or at least I am) are when we are in love... trying to get someone and use songs to justify our actions and feelings. 



Misleading Opera

Original/Ever-changing Symphony

Okay... so whatever i wrote yesterday wasn't saved. Do note that I haven't been writing for quite a while now, so I my engrish is quite brokan.

Basically I am typing stuff that my brain have been asking/wondering about...

What is our natural state?

When I ask what is our natural state, I meant more of the reasons why we are brought up the way we are, and why do we do things in high school which usually ends up us regretting doing it in the future. If you are an endocrinologist, you would answer that question with "sleep" (for some of you who didn't take any classes discussing about sleep, sleeping is our actual "native state" of the body) If I ask you, I bet 0.50 cents (i legit no money right now, so I don't wanna gamble) that you did some embarrassing things that you wished you would not have done.

But, why did we do it in the first place? Why did I, have to try acting differently in front of others, when certainly that is not who I really am? Why did I act cool in front if Nia and said that "it's okay to reject me, we can still be friends" repeatedly and ended up breaking her heart and thrust? Not only that, I broke my own life...  Why did I, take the dancing group with Natalie and others, yet I myself do not enjoy dancing? Why did I, try to impress others by drinking excessively? Why did I,  drove myself into K pop, where I never really liked them? Why did I, when do something funny or weird, always look at the girls? Why did I, have to order a rose for Natalie when I was in grade 8, and to Nia at grade 11? Why did I, have to do any of these?

To impress others, is what many people do during their youth. Some people don't, and they ended up lonelier. For those who impress others but not themselves, why? It is such a hurtful feeling, yet we drive ourselves to believe that the silver lining exist. We do these hurtful things, yet when we get a small yet hopeful news, we actually buy it and straight away assumed that what we have been doing was right all along.... but in actual fact... it doesn't carry any of that good news at all. We perceive things as what we would like it to be. It's like when Nia just slept on my shoulder, she didn't mean anything, she just saw me as a friend and that's all to it. She trusted our relationship so much that she would even do that when at that time, she was dating a guy from A-level (incase you forgot, it's that guy that have a protruding lower jaw, have glasses, really short haired, and have a scar on his head). Yet the only thing I assumed from that event is "there's a hope."

What is this "impress?" For us, for you, for me, for him, for her, for it, for any higher up eukaryotes organism, it is simply to mate. To mate, to create offspring, is the drive in all of us. Some females wait, some others chase endlessly. Some males chase endlessly, some have no desire (not gay). For me, I am a simple one who tried to chase all the time. To impress, is simply to show that you are different than others, and that you are the prime candidate for anyone to mate. It is simply true that most of men's high school memory is about to impress the other sex to have fun with them. It is simply weird, but true. In the wild, we would go around and try to kill each other just for territory and women, but in our shifted society, all we could do is to impress. But why do we get embarrassed by our moves in the end? Because we failed. What if we had done it differently? Would we get the sacred bobs and vagana?

What if, we had been truthful to ourselves and instead of impressing others by doing things that are not ourselves, we impress them by becoming ourselves? Sad for us, that rule is generally not allowed in the community. Just look at Sheldon, he had always been true to himself, yet he is the one that got bullied to no end. He is different, in that he is not seen as "worthy" of passing offspring. If he read this post right now, I would bet 10 cents (i decide to go lower because i am seriously broke), that he would say "why the fuck would I do that?" That's exactly why. To those who stay true to themselves in the wild with no interest in mating, tend to be the outlier of the community. They don't follow norms, which includes no desire to pass on offspring. And that action itself is already declaring war on natural selection. Of course, for those who are born to oppose the nature, will die; same goes for those who couldn't/want to create offspring.

For one, don't you think it seems funny that to hate LGBT is literally normal in our community? Now now don't get allllllll pumped up yet~ Let me phrase that sentence a little more understandable to you all air breathing humans: Why, does hate on LGBT even exist in the 1st place? If you are not born in a more developed countries, you would probably be familiar with hearing your community referring people who are gay/lesbian as bad. Most of the people who are not fed with present education would agree on such statement. LGBT itself is already a topic of taboo from thousand of years ago. All of these hatred, can be rooted into natural selection. Natural selection doesn't give a triple shit about your kindness (actually in some way yes, but i don't want to get too far discussing this), all it care is if you could contribute to the community by creating more species of yourself, by having sex with an opposite gender. That's it. Finish, full stop, no comma, no colon, no whatever this ";" symbol is called, that's all natural selection wishes you to do. And ofcourse, it has the combat system to eliminate those who could not fulfill such a  criteria, which is hate. To hate... to punish... is what natural selection is doing on us to keep our species in check. You can google gay people being punished in Indonesia, and you will see videos where they are publicly humiliated for their "crime." To humiliate them, is to say "trying to fix them," where in actual fact, LGBT can't be "fixed."

It is so weird that all I have been doing is actually normal in natural selection sense. To impress, yet to regret.... If I hadn't done all of these, I would be deemed as "abnormal" and I would probably be the target of classes' bully. I really have to say, we are born eff up, and many people today still carry on the legacy of punishing those who are not worthy of mating. I do not have anything against the LGBT, just note that. I have couple people I know who are in the LGBT community, and I must say, they are much better than some people who are straight.

My perspectives are no longer in the natural state. All I have now is an altered state, where I am no longer participating in female chase or hating/discriminating the "unworthiest." Do note that humans are more inclined towards polygamy creature, which means males would prefer to have more than 1 female partner. Some of you who males who disagrees, try to consider the following: what if you have a wive, yet she encouraged you to get another? Better yet, your wive has another partner that she wouldn't mind sharing you with. If you say no, then ok. Not good or bad, just ok. Remember, I said humans are more inclined towards polygamy, not 100% polygamy.

It is weird that my present perspectives has given me the ability to give compassion and empathy to anyone living. Even enemies sometimes. I just hate it when I get to know more about my enemies, because I tend to ended up liking them. For example Angela from my workplace. I honestly do not like her personality. But when she told me some stories of her past, I was able to link her past to how she could have become the person I hated today; which in all, made me cared for her. But I know I should not care too much about her. I have done similar things in the past, and though it doesn't hurt me today, I can still remember how unpleasant it is to care others who don't care about us back. I don't really seek anything much in return, all I could ask for is the same empathy given, but mostly no one is able to even give anything back closer to that.

Looking back to all of that junk that I typed.... doesn't it seem like to have the altered view I have today is still considered "natural" since I am still human and evolution keeps on going regardless of anything?

What do you think? Have we evolved and created a new order in our "natural" state, or do we lost our natural state the more we are influenced by the present education system (basically the no hate system)? I could go all philosophical, but I am just going to end it here now because I am tired, and I have to go to lab tomorrow. I have to drug my flies with DMSO and 37187 chemotherapeutic drug.

Next topic will probably be about my final answer/ decision with how I should view the girl from the 1st blog. It's literally been almost 6(?) years since then.



Original/Ever-changing Symphony

Just who are you?

Hello again to who ever you are.

I have like 3 exams coming very soon and my throat is dry currently because i learn by the methodology of "teaching the air"; where I explain what I know to my imaginary friends, and try to make up random questions along the way.

I've done that and now I am exhausted. For the time being, I want to actually ask you about this question, do the government have the right to end your life?

One thing that pops out to your head is probably the penal system, where death sentence takes place. By the way I am tired as fuck so my english is probably at its worst. Back to topic... Death sentence is a fairly common practice used in many countries, including some of the modern countries. For example, Singapore is still executing anyone who carries certain amount of illegal drugs.

Before answering our question directly, I want you to know put this in your head as well:

1) that suicidal is also an illegal act in some of the countries that still carry the death penalty system. Any suicide attempts will be brought into the court and etc etc happens to you, as well as the family (depending on countries).

2) stupidly obvious, but murder is illegal as well...

3) assisted suicide is also murder.

At this point, don't you think that something is off? If you know it by now, this shows that your life is controlled directly by government only.

So what is life here? Why can the justice system take out such a thing? Is it because justice system is more reliable than specific individuals? To allow the act of taking someone's life, also risks taking out the innocent lives. Just what is being done here? We, do not have as much rights to decide our life's path than the governments. Don't get me wrong, I strongly agree that the 3 things are extremely sinful and illegal in my heart. But what makes the government so special that they are allowed to take out lives?

You might ask, so what do we do with a psychotic people then? Before answering that, I believe in 1 thing, which is that everyone has the right to grow. But what about their path? That should obviously be controlled by the government, since they are the ones that supposed to provide education to their citizens right? Many big time criminals out there.... I believe, are just those who were not helped to grow properly. Although it IS TRUE that some of these people did not want help to begin with, where they have indulged themselves in the life of crime that it is their norm. But again, many of these people were already set to the wrong path when they were young. Younger people are easier to get manipulated, but that is the essence of life isn't it. Isn't exposing your child to nature, teaching all the goodness of the world and appreciate them in a way IS manipulating your child to grow towards the path of goodness? That's what education system should do. Manipulate child's mind so that they would grow towards the path of good. But do note that many countries until today still fails this criteria; which is to see the world as competition. Grades matter, rather than guiding each individuals to utilize their true ability and make use of that ability to make a better world.

Joan just sent me a yaoi of some guy grinding some other guy's D, with one of the partner's shirt lifted up to show the world their mini mountain. 

I agree with what I said because there is this one youtuber, who was lost in his life (close murder, street life, drop out, etc), managed to get his life back to socially good and has helped many out there in overcoming their bad lives. What brought him back to his feet? It is his hobby... to pet fish... make gorgeous aquariums. That's it. He personally said that his hobby had diverted his life from chaos to good. But... what education system encourages people today to work on something that they enjoy? Obviously, not many. And that's how such a education system have brought us to today. Those who don't do so well in class were kicked out, hated by parents, hated by community.... That, is the seed of evil being born. And what do they do when they got into the path of total chaos? Death penalty.
It is essentially the side effect of bad education system, which creates these hard time offenders, which the government have to get rid of. Weird, it's like these people with hidden ability that could potentially bring goodness to the world were taken down just because of the government's own small mistakes. Although what I said has many more factors, i would just leave it like that.

With all that's said, I would just say we have a weird system. And for the overall question, do I think that government have the right to take down people who did unforgivable offense?

My answer is Yes. However, the blame is still on the government themselves. The ones that should carry most of the sins, are those leaders who are not trying their upmost best to protect their own citizen. When I say fail to keep their upmost best, it is usually due to their: ignorance, lack of leadership skills and greed. But all in all, what can we do except electing the best leader~

Draw your life

Sometimes I do wonder... Were we born as a blank canvas?

As we grow, the more define our picture is. The picture that you drew/colored will only be completed, once you retired or done living.

People are born a beginner to art and drawing, and different lives were given different varieties of pencil. Some were born with an adequate life, which is to at least obtain a HB pencil. A pencil that ain't too dark, nor too light. And from there one must draw a beautiful outline, before getting other pencils. Same with life. You grow up and prove yourself worthy before a company hires you. But, some people are born very lucky. And those people, who were born rich, were given the higher opportunity to succeed in life; hence given the power to utilize all shades of pencils, color pencils, charcoal pencils, etc. at early life. Some others were born much tougher. Some were born poor... which is the same as born with 8H/8B pencil... basically pencils that are too extreme. These people are the ones that have hard time to show their talent. 8H pencil could give an outline, but it's too light that people would probably not wish to spend their time analyzing the outlines. Even with the given disadvantage, someone who cares would try and give their time to analyze the "nearly impossible to depict" picture. If, the outline was good or had potential, the person who analyzed it could fund that person with darker color of shades to create a masterpiece, as well as giving the picture colors. This example is not too common, but you have certainly heard of poor people who showed their potential and ended up being rich/famous. Again, it is hard for these people with 8H pencil to show their true potential. Why? These pencils are so light, that if you try to make a very strong and visible outline, you would probably be damaging your paper. I mean, do you remember when you tried to draw something real hard but you decide to erase everything?  Do you remember that when you tried to shade/draw on the same paper, you would see visible lines of unshaded regions on the paper? That is because you made "ditch" on the paper, and what ever you do, without proper equipment, you will never be able to hide/remove that ditch, AKA wasted your opportunity to show your potential as you have ruined the canvas. That's why, it's just not ideal to use 8H for starting the outline for beginners.

How about the 8B pencils? 8B gives similar problem. If you did not draw your outlines correctly in the first place, you might run the risk of "un-erase-able shading." It's true. Do you remember drawing excessively hard on a blunt, and dark, pencil and you realize that some tiny bitty shades were extremely hard to be erased? I always have that, but not only with 8B, but all pencils ranging from 2H-8B seem to do that, with the stronger shade pencil creating a more obvious mark. I honestly tried to erase one of these shades that I made by mistake, and instead of the pencil mark gone, the paper lose its fine layer (basically I ruined my canvas/paper). If 8B and 8H could easily create mistakes, it makes sense as well that poor people are the ones that could easily get themselves into troubles, such as gang fight/blind gambling/etc. The idea that I am trying to convey here is that, the more we can show a good outline, the more people would invest in us. And our outline must be clean, no visible scratches on paper, no unwanted shades and preferably have outlines that are easy to see and not risky of errors. Same like life, higher ups only invest in people who have good skills/history.

Outlines determines your final image, but some people don't follow that rule, or some people just don't.

TBC.

Solo World

Hoi to whoever is keeping up to this blag.

Short essay for this one because i really want to sleep, but i have decided to put this here for my future self to think or observe about. 

At this lab (stem cell), there is this girl, from China. All I get from her is... challenge. What I meant is... she view life itself as a challenge, which is the exact opposite to what my view of world is. 

I stated these because these are the things that she did/said directly to me, as well as some things about her:

1) Compared 4.0 grades with me. (basically bragging her excellency). 

2) She doesn't like tutoring because she doesn't understand stupid people. 

3) She... is a perfection person. If she doesn't get her results, she WILL be VERY VERY upset of herself.

4) She is the only child.

5) She personally told me that she's a very emotionally attached person. (Needs a physical love).

6) She doesn't understand how others won't understand her logical point of view. (she treated people like how she would treat herself, literally.)

7) Have parents that always quarrel during her childhood.

8) She gives off vibe of "being better" when I told her that she is younger than me. 

What is with her?.... 

Not that I am saying negative stuffs about her, but I do feel like... this is a product of... loneliness. 

When you are the only child... you literally are the only one that represents the family. Also she is... the only child.... has she been lonely the whole entire time? But what about her competitiveness? Why does she view things as competition? True that if we slow, we lose, but... not everything got to be a competition you know?  

I'll just end it here. A very good topic to think about, since this would shed light on how I could probably understand how the "kiasu" of my high school sees the world. 

Lousy Update

Hi brotherfuckers! It's your boyfriend Josephi Krawaski with FLEX TAPE! How is you doing? I don't really care anyway since that's never the point of my blog. But before diving into my topic of discussion today, I shall write about what happened in the past few months.

So 1st: I got "fired" from my previous lab because I did not give any good results and also I did not seem to "follow" her standard. Well, was I wrong? Yes, but by how? Firstly, my professor gave me a lazy looking mentor who I simply followed. So what did I do? I literally just copied what he do. But guess what, I WAS supposed to do more! But, was I told to do more? No, but shouldn't I knew by myself that I should have known what she wanted me to do? No, because it's my first time working in a lab. My professor literally just go with me finely until one day she decided to break my ice and said that she wasn't happy with my results and confidence. So ok.... All I did was exactly following what my mentor did. Furthermore, she said I should discuss data with her before I leave; but everytime I would leave the lab, I would ALWAYS(and never had I not) ask my professor nicely, "Is there anything I could/should do?" And she would reply nicely "No. Thank you so much for your help!" All the time. How do I know it was my part of duty when I was literally a blank canvas? My mentor never mentioned any of that discussion to me, so I never thought about it. Some of you may say "If there are results, wouldn't it be very logical to discuss it with your professor?" I could. I could do that if I was told that it was another part of my duty; because all I thought was to run experiments and that's it. I never knew what undergraduate research meant to be, nor anyone told me. However, I do admit my mistake here, which is not to ask.

Why do we ask question? Curiosity? Uncertainty? Uncertainty for me. Eventhough I didn't know about what it meant to be an undergraduate researcher, I do know 1 absolute thing, which is the presence of un-calming/un-satisfied feeling in the lab. I felt these when I realized that all I have been doing was to do Western Blotting every week, and no other experiment were done. I expected more, but I never asked. If I would have asked, I would probably be able to save my position in my lab.

It was awkward because my professor still invited me over to her house party for the 2 senior students who were graduating. I felt sad, and disgust to be eating in the house of a professor who don't seem to accept me as her student. But with that, I tried my best to eat as much food before I left just because hanyiah.

And that was it. I was left with no lab to work in. My early summer was sad and empty. I was only in 1 class in order to find myself a good lab to work in. It was a Vertebrate Biology class, where we memorize different animals, their trait, latin name, relationship (phylogeny) and other craps that I, by this moment,  have already forgotten. I applied to many different labs, and no one came back to me.

I was afraid that I might not be able to make a good resume and have to go back to my hometown and work (which is a big No for me). So then, I kept on applying until 1 lab accepted me. It was a muscular degeneration related research, which I never thought of. I went and for the "interview"  and I got accepted in. The people there were much different from my previous lab, there were more people (bigger lab) and I never used to work next/with many people. There were laughs and happiness around the lab, but the PI does look angry sometimes, but I know that she is just busy. But what came next was unprediced. I was also accepted into a Stem Cell lab. I was shocked and immediately accepted the interview, which ended me now working in 2 labs.

The Stem cell lab... is much more... tense and strict. The professor is a very busy person who travels across the world most of the time, and in the lab there are many people working on many different projects (quite like my muscle lab). But here, we have to Journal clubs (share with everyone about a research paper you read) and group meeting, where PhD students are showing their progress of research. It is very interesting, but the atmosphere is very tense during these meetings, as if 1 wrong sentence will lead up to 1000 questions. Not many people "appreciate" other people's work because many come and goes during the lab, which is not surprising for big lab and many experiments are running at the same time. But overall, this was the lab where I was able to do more things that I really like, which was to research the properties of cancer stem cells, AKA the one cell that divides slower, but created multiple quick dividing cancerous cells. Also they are the one that undergoes metastasis and lead to stage 4 cancer.

And we can see, when I was out of the lab, I was in depression because of the fear of failure. But instead, the negative effect of having me out of the previous lab had led to research what I REALLY LOVE MORE. Eventhough I know that the previous lab has it's own importance, I have always wanted to work on researches that are more direct to cancer cells.

With that said, I am going to give you all a very cliche lesson of mine:

1) Failure comes in and you are allowed to be depressed by that, but make sure you don't stop working on your future.

2) Take a failure as an opportunity for a better future.

3) Ask me wha Ligma, Sugondese and Updog is.

Bye.

Lousy Update