Sometimes I do wonder... Were we born as a blank canvas?
As we grow, the more define our picture is. The picture that you drew/colored will only be completed, once you retired or done living.
People are born a beginner to art and drawing, and different lives were given different varieties of pencil. Some were born with an adequate life, which is to at least obtain a HB pencil. A pencil that ain't too dark, nor too light. And from there one must draw a beautiful outline, before getting other pencils. Same with life. You grow up and prove yourself worthy before a company hires you. But, some people are born very lucky. And those people, who were born rich, were given the higher opportunity to succeed in life; hence given the power to utilize all shades of pencils, color pencils, charcoal pencils, etc. at early life. Some others were born much tougher. Some were born poor... which is the same as born with 8H/8B pencil... basically pencils that are too extreme. These people are the ones that have hard time to show their talent. 8H pencil could give an outline, but it's too light that people would probably not wish to spend their time analyzing the outlines. Even with the given disadvantage, someone who cares would try and give their time to analyze the "nearly impossible to depict" picture. If, the outline was good or had potential, the person who analyzed it could fund that person with darker color of shades to create a masterpiece, as well as giving the picture colors. This example is not too common, but you have certainly heard of poor people who showed their potential and ended up being rich/famous. Again, it is hard for these people with 8H pencil to show their true potential. Why? These pencils are so light, that if you try to make a very strong and visible outline, you would probably be damaging your paper. I mean, do you remember when you tried to draw something real hard but you decide to erase everything? Do you remember that when you tried to shade/draw on the same paper, you would see visible lines of unshaded regions on the paper? That is because you made "ditch" on the paper, and what ever you do, without proper equipment, you will never be able to hide/remove that ditch, AKA wasted your opportunity to show your potential as you have ruined the canvas. That's why, it's just not ideal to use 8H for starting the outline for beginners.
How about the 8B pencils? 8B gives similar problem. If you did not draw your outlines correctly in the first place, you might run the risk of "un-erase-able shading." It's true. Do you remember drawing excessively hard on a blunt, and dark, pencil and you realize that some tiny bitty shades were extremely hard to be erased? I always have that, but not only with 8B, but all pencils ranging from 2H-8B seem to do that, with the stronger shade pencil creating a more obvious mark. I honestly tried to erase one of these shades that I made by mistake, and instead of the pencil mark gone, the paper lose its fine layer (basically I ruined my canvas/paper). If 8B and 8H could easily create mistakes, it makes sense as well that poor people are the ones that could easily get themselves into troubles, such as gang fight/blind gambling/etc. The idea that I am trying to convey here is that, the more we can show a good outline, the more people would invest in us. And our outline must be clean, no visible scratches on paper, no unwanted shades and preferably have outlines that are easy to see and not risky of errors. Same like life, higher ups only invest in people who have good skills/history.
Outlines determines your final image, but some people don't follow that rule, or some people just don't.
TBC.
Monday, October 29, 2018
Sunday, October 28, 2018
Solo World
Hoi to whoever is keeping up to this blag.
Short essay for this one because i really want to sleep, but i have decided to put this here for my future self to think or observe about.
At this lab (stem cell), there is this girl, from China. All I get from her is... challenge. What I meant is... she view life itself as a challenge, which is the exact opposite to what my view of world is.
I stated these because these are the things that she did/said directly to me, as well as some things about her:
1) Compared 4.0 grades with me. (basically bragging her excellency).
2) She doesn't like tutoring because she doesn't understand stupid people.
3) She... is a perfection person. If she doesn't get her results, she WILL be VERY VERY upset of herself.
4) She is the only child.
5) She personally told me that she's a very emotionally attached person. (Needs a physical love).
6) She doesn't understand how others won't understand her logical point of view. (she treated people like how she would treat herself, literally.)
7) Have parents that always quarrel during her childhood.
8) She gives off vibe of "being better" when I told her that she is younger than me.
What is with her?....
Not that I am saying negative stuffs about her, but I do feel like... this is a product of... loneliness.
When you are the only child... you literally are the only one that represents the family. Also she is... the only child.... has she been lonely the whole entire time? But what about her competitiveness? Why does she view things as competition? True that if we slow, we lose, but... not everything got to be a competition you know?
I'll just end it here. A very good topic to think about, since this would shed light on how I could probably understand how the "kiasu" of my high school sees the world.
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Lousy Update
Hi brotherfuckers! It's your boyfriend Josephi Krawaski with FLEX TAPE! How is you doing? I don't really care anyway since that's never the point of my blog. But before diving into my topic of discussion today, I shall write about what happened in the past few months.
So 1st: I got "fired" from my previous lab because I did not give any good results and also I did not seem to "follow" her standard. Well, was I wrong? Yes, but by how? Firstly, my professor gave me a lazy looking mentor who I simply followed. So what did I do? I literally just copied what he do. But guess what, I WAS supposed to do more! But, was I told to do more? No, but shouldn't I knew by myself that I should have known what she wanted me to do? No, because it's my first time working in a lab. My professor literally just go with me finely until one day she decided to break my ice and said that she wasn't happy with my results and confidence. So ok.... All I did was exactly following what my mentor did. Furthermore, she said I should discuss data with her before I leave; but everytime I would leave the lab, I would ALWAYS(and never had I not) ask my professor nicely, "Is there anything I could/should do?" And she would reply nicely "No. Thank you so much for your help!" All the time. How do I know it was my part of duty when I was literally a blank canvas? My mentor never mentioned any of that discussion to me, so I never thought about it. Some of you may say "If there are results, wouldn't it be very logical to discuss it with your professor?" I could. I could do that if I was told that it was another part of my duty; because all I thought was to run experiments and that's it. I never knew what undergraduate research meant to be, nor anyone told me. However, I do admit my mistake here, which is not to ask.
Why do we ask question? Curiosity? Uncertainty? Uncertainty for me. Eventhough I didn't know about what it meant to be an undergraduate researcher, I do know 1 absolute thing, which is the presence of un-calming/un-satisfied feeling in the lab. I felt these when I realized that all I have been doing was to do Western Blotting every week, and no other experiment were done. I expected more, but I never asked. If I would have asked, I would probably be able to save my position in my lab.
It was awkward because my professor still invited me over to her house party for the 2 senior students who were graduating. I felt sad, and disgust to be eating in the house of a professor who don't seem to accept me as her student. But with that, I tried my best to eat as much food before I left just because hanyiah.
And that was it. I was left with no lab to work in. My early summer was sad and empty. I was only in 1 class in order to find myself a good lab to work in. It was a Vertebrate Biology class, where we memorize different animals, their trait, latin name, relationship (phylogeny) and other craps that I, by this moment, have already forgotten. I applied to many different labs, and no one came back to me.
I was afraid that I might not be able to make a good resume and have to go back to my hometown and work (which is a big No for me). So then, I kept on applying until 1 lab accepted me. It was a muscular degeneration related research, which I never thought of. I went and for the "interview" and I got accepted in. The people there were much different from my previous lab, there were more people (bigger lab) and I never used to work next/with many people. There were laughs and happiness around the lab, but the PI does look angry sometimes, but I know that she is just busy. But what came next was unprediced. I was also accepted into a Stem Cell lab. I was shocked and immediately accepted the interview, which ended me now working in 2 labs.
The Stem cell lab... is much more... tense and strict. The professor is a very busy person who travels across the world most of the time, and in the lab there are many people working on many different projects (quite like my muscle lab). But here, we have to Journal clubs (share with everyone about a research paper you read) and group meeting, where PhD students are showing their progress of research. It is very interesting, but the atmosphere is very tense during these meetings, as if 1 wrong sentence will lead up to 1000 questions. Not many people "appreciate" other people's work because many come and goes during the lab, which is not surprising for big lab and many experiments are running at the same time. But overall, this was the lab where I was able to do more things that I really like, which was to research the properties of cancer stem cells, AKA the one cell that divides slower, but created multiple quick dividing cancerous cells. Also they are the one that undergoes metastasis and lead to stage 4 cancer.
And we can see, when I was out of the lab, I was in depression because of the fear of failure. But instead, the negative effect of having me out of the previous lab had led to research what I REALLY LOVE MORE. Eventhough I know that the previous lab has it's own importance, I have always wanted to work on researches that are more direct to cancer cells.
With that said, I am going to give you all a very cliche lesson of mine:
1) Failure comes in and you are allowed to be depressed by that, but make sure you don't stop working on your future.
2) Take a failure as an opportunity for a better future.
3) Ask me wha Ligma, Sugondese and Updog is.
Bye.
Lousy Update
So 1st: I got "fired" from my previous lab because I did not give any good results and also I did not seem to "follow" her standard. Well, was I wrong? Yes, but by how? Firstly, my professor gave me a lazy looking mentor who I simply followed. So what did I do? I literally just copied what he do. But guess what, I WAS supposed to do more! But, was I told to do more? No, but shouldn't I knew by myself that I should have known what she wanted me to do? No, because it's my first time working in a lab. My professor literally just go with me finely until one day she decided to break my ice and said that she wasn't happy with my results and confidence. So ok.... All I did was exactly following what my mentor did. Furthermore, she said I should discuss data with her before I leave; but everytime I would leave the lab, I would ALWAYS(and never had I not) ask my professor nicely, "Is there anything I could/should do?" And she would reply nicely "No. Thank you so much for your help!" All the time. How do I know it was my part of duty when I was literally a blank canvas? My mentor never mentioned any of that discussion to me, so I never thought about it. Some of you may say "If there are results, wouldn't it be very logical to discuss it with your professor?" I could. I could do that if I was told that it was another part of my duty; because all I thought was to run experiments and that's it. I never knew what undergraduate research meant to be, nor anyone told me. However, I do admit my mistake here, which is not to ask.
Why do we ask question? Curiosity? Uncertainty? Uncertainty for me. Eventhough I didn't know about what it meant to be an undergraduate researcher, I do know 1 absolute thing, which is the presence of un-calming/un-satisfied feeling in the lab. I felt these when I realized that all I have been doing was to do Western Blotting every week, and no other experiment were done. I expected more, but I never asked. If I would have asked, I would probably be able to save my position in my lab.
It was awkward because my professor still invited me over to her house party for the 2 senior students who were graduating. I felt sad, and disgust to be eating in the house of a professor who don't seem to accept me as her student. But with that, I tried my best to eat as much food before I left just because hanyiah.
And that was it. I was left with no lab to work in. My early summer was sad and empty. I was only in 1 class in order to find myself a good lab to work in. It was a Vertebrate Biology class, where we memorize different animals, their trait, latin name, relationship (phylogeny) and other craps that I, by this moment, have already forgotten. I applied to many different labs, and no one came back to me.
I was afraid that I might not be able to make a good resume and have to go back to my hometown and work (which is a big No for me). So then, I kept on applying until 1 lab accepted me. It was a muscular degeneration related research, which I never thought of. I went and for the "interview" and I got accepted in. The people there were much different from my previous lab, there were more people (bigger lab) and I never used to work next/with many people. There were laughs and happiness around the lab, but the PI does look angry sometimes, but I know that she is just busy. But what came next was unprediced. I was also accepted into a Stem Cell lab. I was shocked and immediately accepted the interview, which ended me now working in 2 labs.
The Stem cell lab... is much more... tense and strict. The professor is a very busy person who travels across the world most of the time, and in the lab there are many people working on many different projects (quite like my muscle lab). But here, we have to Journal clubs (share with everyone about a research paper you read) and group meeting, where PhD students are showing their progress of research. It is very interesting, but the atmosphere is very tense during these meetings, as if 1 wrong sentence will lead up to 1000 questions. Not many people "appreciate" other people's work because many come and goes during the lab, which is not surprising for big lab and many experiments are running at the same time. But overall, this was the lab where I was able to do more things that I really like, which was to research the properties of cancer stem cells, AKA the one cell that divides slower, but created multiple quick dividing cancerous cells. Also they are the one that undergoes metastasis and lead to stage 4 cancer.
And we can see, when I was out of the lab, I was in depression because of the fear of failure. But instead, the negative effect of having me out of the previous lab had led to research what I REALLY LOVE MORE. Eventhough I know that the previous lab has it's own importance, I have always wanted to work on researches that are more direct to cancer cells.
With that said, I am going to give you all a very cliche lesson of mine:
1) Failure comes in and you are allowed to be depressed by that, but make sure you don't stop working on your future.
2) Take a failure as an opportunity for a better future.
3) Ask me wha Ligma, Sugondese and Updog is.
Bye.
Lousy Update
Monday, May 21, 2018
Wake Up.
Dear yourself. You have been "warned" today by your professor that you have not been producing good results because you are not confident in yourself. Guess what, you know you sucked. Why? Look at the past few months, have you been active? You worked much less than last quarter, that's why. You need to wake up. Please do.
WAKE UP
WAKE UP
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Fake World
Hi to who ever is still wishing to read this damn blog.
Right now I'm bored since I had to leave in 20 damn minute for some meeting. Actually, without having to white font or stuff, I gotta report that I have existed my own demon that made me trying to hate things and fail myself. So, I guess when I mentioned that when she waited for me, it didn't mean anything further. Also, conversation wise, she showed no interest or no wish to look at my horrid face for today.
Now here, I can intepret these observations as "maybe she was....." just to make myself feel better (most likely what would had happened) or I could just say, we are done, fulls to the stop. From all these, I realized that I all need was physical comfort, and that my foul soul would do just about anything to get to that. I'm nothing but a terrible person though. I would amplify any actions of friendliness into affection just to flatter myself and makes me forget about other things. But have I been retarded that this was the thing that led me to my doom the last time. Have I not forgotten about the 1st blog creature? It was exactly the same thing. All the friendly friendly gesture have been made into something "extra-ordinary" in which gave me the reason to dream for another day. Yet I never analyze the fact that I was used like how she would have used others as. Well... except for that one particular moment when she used my shoulder and slept on me. She rejected me once, and yet she does that, making me thought that I have not yet done with my destiny. I would have been so much more happier if I would have known about what happened during those occasion. Why would I actually fall into such a fake emotion like how I am today. Have I not grown enough? Why did I have to get into this stage and play this heart tearing play anyway?
Now here, I can intepret these observations as "maybe she was....." just to make myself feel better (most likely what would had happened) or I could just say, we are done, fulls to the stop. From all these, I realized that I all need was physical comfort, and that my foul soul would do just about anything to get to that. I'm nothing but a terrible person though. I would amplify any actions of friendliness into affection just to flatter myself and makes me forget about other things. But have I been retarded that this was the thing that led me to my doom the last time. Have I not forgotten about the 1st blog creature? It was exactly the same thing. All the friendly friendly gesture have been made into something "extra-ordinary" in which gave me the reason to dream for another day. Yet I never analyze the fact that I was used like how she would have used others as. Well... except for that one particular moment when she used my shoulder and slept on me. She rejected me once, and yet she does that, making me thought that I have not yet done with my destiny. I would have been so much more happier if I would have known about what happened during those occasion. Why would I actually fall into such a fake emotion like how I am today. Have I not grown enough? Why did I have to get into this stage and play this heart tearing play anyway?
Here is why. Dream. Dreams are the one that led me to what I had today and what I had on that particular woman. Dreams are so real that no matter how hard I tried to lucid whatever the "reality" was, I never succeeded. I know all the item placement in the room, and behavior of certain people, yet when I'm at this dream world, I failed to notice the differences and would just play along with the fake world. How disgusting is that? I play along in the world of fake, and bring the emotion away from the dream, making me a person who gained experiences from fake world, as well as the real world. Therefore, what I am today, is most likely <50> fake. I can't determine how fake I am today, therefore it is either more or less than 50. How can I tell? Number 1, I cannot differentiate dreams and reality when I in the world of dreams. So how can I tell if what had shaped me today is mainly on the real world experience or the fake world experience? I have faith that my memories are real, but what had shaped me, might be of my dream. Is this why though? Are the "normal" people in this world able to not bring their emotion along with them after they wake up? For that, mentally retarded people, like me, gained experiences from the fake world?
Have I not ever questioned such possibility. Only when I question myself, would it make sense. Now then, I have to go soon, so therefore I have to end this fucking dilemma. So, goodluck understanding if your life decision had come from the fake world or the real world. \
Fake World
Friday, May 4, 2018
Introduction
Sigh.... Here we go again with the introduction for every blog...1st, I would like to welcome you to the blog that probably I did not give twice shit about the audience. This is more like an open diary where if someone really stalks me enough, they will get the reward of knowing my past.
So what is special here? Here, in this blog, I would enter the determination of my future as I'm going to apply to a grad school. How will my relationship with the girl from 2nd blog go, where I go and.... ya.... Why am I doubting about the girl from 2nd blog? It's more like... I really want her to be happy, and if I were the cause to her sadness, I would think over of doing what her friend called YM did; which is to "split" path for the moment, and if love is still going great by the time I get residency in some other country, we would be together again. But if we were to find our happiness with someone else... that would be the end of our chance of going back, but we will be like blood siblings after that, or even better (at least to what I think and willing to do). What makes me doubt? It is because I'm stressing over the obtaining residency on different country, since I do not want to go back to where I came from (no future there). Even if I were to go back... I doubt the life I have with that girl from 2nd blog would ever be sweet as we imagined. That's why I would consider the other option so the both of us can be happy. It's really sad to think about it. We dreamt and plan about what our house will be, what pets, what car, even name for children for duck sake... We are just so deeply rooted, that I kind of think that I would even think the life with another person will even be nice. Life just.... sucked I guess. But again, I said the same thing when I end friendship with the 1st blog girl. I was all like
"OMG... how is life going to be? All I have in mind was her... all my future image has her in it...all....."
Yeap, that gay. And guess what, just couple months later, I all recovered (before dating the girl from 2nd blog). But still... I would say this one would take years or even... never if we were to still communicate and stuff. But again, if both of us come to this conclusion... I would, deep in my heart, have to still appreciate her for rescuing me from my depressed caused by 1st blog girl. She is just to perfect to be forgotten. At least, if we were to leave each other, we would leave with no regret... hopefully... i hope. And about that lab girl, I think I ruined the bridge to be friendly and instead being a creep now because I forgot what happened. I think I visited the lab hour at hours that she would never expected anyone.
Been feeling empty these days... due to bad scores from classes.... need to study for freaking GRE for grad school entrance, since my 4 year degree is NOT enough...need to have another recommendation letters.... need to write a fucking personal statement, as if my choice is not enough. I just need some physical interactions right now. I need a hug... but as you know my girl won't be here till I don't know when. The lab girl: And since she sees me more than any other times this week, as well as me trying to offer her company since she said she was going to be out late (this one Im just neutral though, I was just being nice that day. I HONESTLY just wanna go home after looking at my lousy protein experiment. luckily she said she was fine.). All in all, its a good news that I finally get rid myself of a factor that would potentially make me show any affection that is none other Joan. So I win this game.
Let's look at the nicer things that happens this week... wait.. nothing. I got one of the highest for my developmental class though. Other than that, I'm just sad. Oh ya, tomorrow class at 12:30 PM. I can sleep like a pig today. Why discriminating pig though?
Introduction
So what is special here? Here, in this blog, I would enter the determination of my future as I'm going to apply to a grad school. How will my relationship with the girl from 2nd blog go, where I go and.... ya.... Why am I doubting about the girl from 2nd blog? It's more like... I really want her to be happy, and if I were the cause to her sadness, I would think over of doing what her friend called YM did; which is to "split" path for the moment, and if love is still going great by the time I get residency in some other country, we would be together again. But if we were to find our happiness with someone else... that would be the end of our chance of going back, but we will be like blood siblings after that, or even better (at least to what I think and willing to do). What makes me doubt? It is because I'm stressing over the obtaining residency on different country, since I do not want to go back to where I came from (no future there). Even if I were to go back... I doubt the life I have with that girl from 2nd blog would ever be sweet as we imagined. That's why I would consider the other option so the both of us can be happy. It's really sad to think about it. We dreamt and plan about what our house will be, what pets, what car, even name for children for duck sake... We are just so deeply rooted, that I kind of think that I would even think the life with another person will even be nice. Life just.... sucked I guess. But again, I said the same thing when I end friendship with the 1st blog girl. I was all like
"OMG... how is life going to be? All I have in mind was her... all my future image has her in it...all....."
Yeap, that gay. And guess what, just couple months later, I all recovered (before dating the girl from 2nd blog). But still... I would say this one would take years or even... never if we were to still communicate and stuff. But again, if both of us come to this conclusion... I would, deep in my heart, have to still appreciate her for rescuing me from my depressed caused by 1st blog girl. She is just to perfect to be forgotten. At least, if we were to leave each other, we would leave with no regret... hopefully... i hope. And about that lab girl, I think I ruined the bridge to be friendly and instead being a creep now because I forgot what happened. I think I visited the lab hour at hours that she would never expected anyone.
Been feeling empty these days... due to bad scores from classes.... need to study for freaking GRE for grad school entrance, since my 4 year degree is NOT enough...need to have another recommendation letters.... need to write a fucking personal statement, as if my choice is not enough. I just need some physical interactions right now. I need a hug... but as you know my girl won't be here till I don't know when. The lab girl: And since she sees me more than any other times this week, as well as me trying to offer her company since she said she was going to be out late (this one Im just neutral though, I was just being nice that day. I HONESTLY just wanna go home after looking at my lousy protein experiment. luckily she said she was fine.). All in all, its a good news that I finally get rid myself of a factor that would potentially make me show any affection that is none other Joan. So I win this game.
Let's look at the nicer things that happens this week... wait.. nothing. I got one of the highest for my developmental class though. Other than that, I'm just sad. Oh ya, tomorrow class at 12:30 PM. I can sleep like a pig today. Why discriminating pig though?
Introduction
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
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